small beings

Featuring a secret baby army and inappropriate lingerie. But not on babies. Except kind of. *stay away pedophiles*

September 20, 2010

although not quite 9, you can see the power hunger in my eyes already.

This post has no purpose other than to give you a peek into my brain right now. Welcome. Bring flares and a first aid kit.

When I was like 9 years old, I would teach my 2 year old sister words for things that were not correct. For example, I would point to a door and tell her that it was called a *clamlicker.  I would have her repeat clamlicker while pointing the door at least 4 times so I thought she had thoroughly been brainwashed. Once I was satisfied, I’d move on with my day which included, but not limited to writing in my slam book and singing Mariah Carey in lingerie in front of my mirror. Ok not like real lingerie. Well, actually, yes, real lingerie. My mom worked at Victoria’s Secret and I INSISTED that she buy me chiffon and lace baby doll “dresses” which I know now were clearly inappropriate for a 9 year old. But my mom had bigger fish to fry. Like her 9 year old brainwashing her 2 year old.

I know you’re thinking, 9 year olds should know better than to F up their little sisters like that. But it gets worse. I’m now a 29 year old and I’m worried that I still MAY get the urge to do this sort of thing to Plankton. See when I was 9, I thought it would be fascinating to create a new language and my sister could be the pioneer of this language and society of secret baby language speakers and would teach this language to other babies. I think I saw on Oprah (I also watched Oprah when I was 9) that babies have a super human ability to learn new languages. So I thought that I could be the master of this new language and my sister could be the leader of the babies and they would all do as I said. Then I would be famous and be on Oprah for being the first 9 year old to start a new language and culture. And I could be their queen.

It always goes back to being famous. You know that.

So why am I tempted to tell Plankton that the door is a clamlicker? I mean I’m not 9 anymore. But babies are unique in that they do whatever you tell them to because they are babies and to them, you are god. That’s some power right there.  Maybe that was actually my 9 year old goal, power.

How can I turn this power from evil into good?

Do normal people F with their own kids? I mean they have to right?

Are you going to call child protective services on me?

*I just re-read this post and clamlicker is not meant to be sexual. It’s really what I said at 9 years old. In my lingerie.


Welcome to my brain.

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  • Beckles September 20, 2010 at 8:24 am

    This is the perfect Monday morning post for when it’s not even 8:30 and your boss is already annoying you. Also, I only ever fought with my brother when were were little, boy did I miss some opportunity. Or he did. He’s a year older.

  • Megan September 20, 2010 at 9:08 am

    MODG, don’t feel bad. I had my sister CONVINCED she was adopted until she was about 15.

    “Momma and Daddy don’t love you because you are ADOPTED.”

    clamlicker is nothing.

  • vodka logic September 20, 2010 at 9:25 am

    I have most certainly fucked with my kids.. for awhile we had them convinced the pile of dirt behind the shed is where their big brother was buried.. “If you misbehave you’ll end up like your brother”…. “what brother?” ” Exactly”

    Had the youngest convinced she had a different father…

    no worries we didnt make them upset with it, but was a laugh for a while.

  • KMW September 20, 2010 at 9:37 am

    Refer to my post on the last confession Friday to see that it is normal to F with your younger siblings (and by “normal” I mean totally cruel and unusual but super hilarious).

    I think a new MODG language would be pretty cool. You would come up with a better word for “shoes” because for something so glorious, it doesn’t have a spectacular sparkle name. Just sayin’

  • Jessica September 20, 2010 at 9:40 am

    This post was a hoot for my drab Monday.
    @Vodkalogic — I had my baby brother convinced he was adopted til he was like 12. I’m pretty sure I messed him up bad…

  • Birdie September 20, 2010 at 9:45 am

    I stuck straws up my nose (breathing tubes) and convinced my little sister I was dying of cancer.

    My kids are rad, but I’m sure people find them a little odd, maybe too mature for their age. And sarcasm coming out of a five year old isn’t always endearing.

  • Kaela September 20, 2010 at 9:46 am

    I’m not as disturbed by this post as I probably should be. Possibly because my older sister fucked me up long ago. She used to stand in the doorway and make me wrestle her for the right to leave the room and go to the bathroom. She was five years older than me and a tomboy to my pink-wearing, Barbie-obsessed girliness. Needless to say I had a lot of wet pants.

  • Mo September 20, 2010 at 10:29 am

    My baby’s daddy tried to do that with his daughter. Told her that “I have to mango dog-paddle in the banana patch” meant “I have to go to the bathroom.” She turned out okay.

  • Mo September 20, 2010 at 10:29 am

    (you perve.)

  • Rachel September 20, 2010 at 10:35 am

    You obviously haven’t seen the video of us torturing our daughter over her sleeping arrangements. Hilarious, but seriously cruel.

  • Big Boops September 20, 2010 at 10:36 am

    When I was a kid my grandpa worked for American Airlines. He would always tell us to learn a second language and the airlines would pay you big money to be a stewardess. So I worked my hardest and by about 7 I could speak pig latin like a pro. When the time came, I told him of my skill and demonstrated my linguistic abilities. Needless to say they did not hire me. And to this day I hate to fly. Uckfa ouya mericana irlinesa!

  • DoMo September 20, 2010 at 10:55 am

    I have a friend that taught his son the colors incorrectly because he thought it was funny. When his son went to preschool, the teachers considered holding him back from kindergarten because he was constantly confusing blue and green.

  • my favorite and my best- MFAMB to you September 20, 2010 at 11:24 am

    when plankton arrives you will do no such thing. just wait.
    you will grow a heart bigger than you thought possible.

  • Becky Mochaface September 20, 2010 at 11:49 am

    I totally had my little sister believing that we were related to Britney Spears and that the reason her last name was spelled differently than ours is for “artistic reasons”.

  • lilliebean September 20, 2010 at 11:50 am

    I’m 19 and I teach my best friends’ 2 year old inappropriate things. It’s really really mean, but hilarious to watch her repeat everything. My brother also tortured me this way when I was younger, including but not limited to holding me down until I peed myself. He was a jerkkk. However, I’m sure when your little guy comes you’ll love him waaaaay too much to mess wit him that way!

  • Jill September 20, 2010 at 12:15 pm

    Some things:

    Why did you let your mom put you in saddle shoes?! I thought we were soul sisters, MODG, but this might just change that. My mom LOVED her some saddle shoes and tried her hardest to get me to wear their heinousness for years – I was having none of it. And my family was a military family -> this was probably one three times I ever disobeyed my parents (to their knowledge) -> you know I had some sense even then!

    Also, messing with your kids is the only thing that keeps young moms sane, I’m pretty sure. My mom gave my black afro mohawks for fun; my cousin has her kids openly discussing their…parts…and…functions…in public, for her own ammusement; and I’m pretty sure my twins-to-be will be using the word, “cooter.” It’s how kids become awesome.

  • Jess September 20, 2010 at 12:25 pm

    Love it! I’m convinced my husband is going to do this. My poor kid is going to be like, “but teacher, my daddy said that the sky is blue because God poops smurfs.” He is already plotting.

    • Lorah September 20, 2010 at 12:42 pm

      LOL! this sounds like something my husband would do too!!!

  • Bri September 20, 2010 at 12:43 pm

    My childhood makes so much more sense now.

  • Melanie September 20, 2010 at 12:45 pm

    Seriously, I wish my sister had tried to teach me a secret language rather than made me believe I was adopted and Ronald McDonald was my real dad. Seriously, that shit scars you. Plankton will be awesome, how can he not be? His mom is homecoming queen of the internet.

  • Teisha September 20, 2010 at 1:02 pm

    It’s totally written somewhere on something that messing with your kids is a part of teaching them not to take shit from anybody and be superstars (google it).

  • Rach September 20, 2010 at 2:15 pm

    I love this so much. I used to whisper to my (4 years younger) sister “say DAMMIT”… and she would, in her little kid voice, and smile like she had achieved something fantastic… and then the parents would be all “RACHEL. KNOCK IT OFF.” To which, of course, I’d be all offended and “whaaaaat, SHE said it, not me!?”

    We are now 32 and 28, and we still wish each other happy birthday by saying “aw, happy anniversary of when Mom & Dad brought you home from the vet.” It never gets old, people.

  • Karena September 20, 2010 at 3:07 pm

    That is hilarious, and I wish I had been brilliant enough to eff with my little sister as a kid. But how to turn evil into a positive? When my boy was smaller I called yogurt “ice cream” and fish “chicken”, etc as an attempt to keep him eating really healthy. did a good job too because now at 4, in the grocery store he is constantly asking how many calories are in things. I rock, I know.

  • MommyLisa September 20, 2010 at 4:24 pm

    I lie to her all the time about stuff – reasons for NOT doing things or FOR doing things.

    It’s all lies, but oh well. 😉 it gets her to cooperate!!!

  • Sarah RDH September 20, 2010 at 5:06 pm

    Okay, I can’t believe you said clamlicker at age 9. But at age 9, I was hanging out at bars with my mom. And yes, I wore lingerie too, except I stole it from my mom and wished for the day when my boobs would fit into that C cup. Looking back, I really realize to be careful what you wish for bc my bra size just blows my mother out of the water. Whatev. Also, I constantly lie to my son about toy store hours. We driv eby Toys R Us adnd he’s lile oh I want to go there! And I’m like They’re closed. They close on Tuesdays at 2pm. It’s 4pm. And he’s like but there’s cars there. And I’m like, yeah it’s the cleaning people. And he’s like but people are walking out with bags of toys. And I’m like no, they’re getting rid of the old toys (or sometimes the cleaning people are stealing toys, whichever is appropriate). We all lie to our children. Sometimes to save ourselves, sometimes for funsies.

  • Christina Harper September 20, 2010 at 6:22 pm

    You were probably the most awesome nine year old in the history of the world. Except maybe nine year old pharaohs. They were a little cooler, I think.

  • Desiree September 20, 2010 at 7:23 pm

    Those saddle shoes are totally rocking. They would have made the best toilet pic.

  • kelly @Dare to be Domestic September 22, 2010 at 4:57 pm

    I haven’t been here in forever (so busy at work and with life) and I’m so sad I’m missing so much awesome stuff. I’m so happy to be back. Did you notice I was MIA? Say yes it will make my day.

    This post made me laugh my ass off – I used to enjoy telling my friend’s children how to cuss, and made them promise not to tell mommy and daddy where they heard such words. Gum and candy are great pay offs. It never really worked I think I was telling a child way to young at the time what to say.

    Pay backs are a bitch but hearing a child say one bad word is totally worth it.

    I say just for fun you at least teach your child the word clamlicker, for door or anything else. It can be your secret word.

  • Shannon Dingee-Kramer September 23, 2010 at 9:26 am

    While I will readily reject any thought patterns that end up with my parents being normal, I do have to say they did this. My dad used to tell me he could fly. As in, just zoom up in the air and go to whatever place he wanted, at will. Of course I believed him. Every time I’d request to accompany him on his trips, he’d tell me, “Oh, sorry…I just got back and I’m tired.”

    I do believe this was the start of my soaring unpopularity in kindergarten. Snotty 5 year old: “My dad’s a surgeon.” Me: “So. My dad can fly.” Snotty 5 year old: “Nuh uh. People can’t fly. You’re stupid.” Me: “My dad can fly, and I’ll kick your ass.” And so on.

    My mom also told me if I was bad, I’d get elf poop in my stocking.

    Therapy’s great. I recommend it to everyone.

  • Kimberly September 23, 2010 at 3:50 pm

    I tried to convince my little sister she was adopted. Whatev.

  • jenn January 3, 2011 at 11:33 pm

    i know this might be old but i just started reading your blog and went back far….anyways,
    my sister and my dad would always tell me as a child that they were vampires, it was scary, they would also tell me they were fish people; super scary. then my brother came along and grew up to comprehend language just around the time i figured out they were not fish people nor were they vampires. so it became a family thing, we would all tell my brother we were vampires and fish people. whenever my mom wasn’t looking we would make fish lips and he would cry. it was good times.
    another thing my dad and i use to do to my brother was pretend a sticker in our family car was actually a button that would make the roof fly off and fling everyone out of the seats towards their death. whenever we waited for my mom to get off work we would hover our fingers above the button and act all suicidal until he cried.
    i mean, hes a little fucked up now but it was all in good fun.

  • Erica July 23, 2012 at 3:37 pm

    I know this is way late, but here’s my story about Fing with our kid: Hubs has a friend that would get drunk and say funny things like, “I’m a bear! Mao mao mao!” So we taught our son that bears say “mao mao mao.” I’t so cute and funny! But he’s going to go to school someday and they’re going to be learning about bears, and he’s going to tell his class that bears say “mao mao mao.” I hope they aren’t mean to him.