I'm funny

Biggie Biggie Biggie, can’t you see?

September 9, 2010

Put aside the natural birth I’m having in a grandma house. Put aside the midwives and the Crocs. And I’m even going to let you put aside the fairy doula I hired. Because today we’re talking about the really weird stuff. This is the stuff that I’m even having a hard time wrapping my brain around. We’re talking about hypnosis ninja brain control for my birthing times. Oh yes we are.

I know you’re asking yourself, Why is MODG always doing weird shit? Can’t she be normal about one thing in her life? At least that’s what my non internet friends say to me. Answer: no. Don’t ask again.

Hypnosis. Actually, Hypnobabies. Yes, I’m in a home schooled program called Hypnobabies and every time I say it, I picture a gaggle of little babies walking around with their arms stretched out in front of them like acid tripping frankenstein babies. It’s not that though. It’s a program of CD’s (although I cheaped out and got the old version so they refer to them as “tapes”) that I listen to every night and the nice lady on it tries to hypnotize me and we talk about special places and comfortable birthing and peace bubbles and pressure waves and happy dancing babies. And I also feel like I’m now a Duggar because of the home school thing.

See? Now you get it. I'm totally one of them and I will play the cello and raise chickens.

So yes, this woman on my tapes literally puts me into hypnosis. Well she tries. Then she says things like, “try and open your eyes. See you can’t!” And there I am opening my eyes like…LADY you told me to open them! And then I get all upset that I’m not hypnotized. I mean dude. It’s hard to hypnotize yourself. Let alone hypnotize your vagina into feeling like a bag of clouds and hugs when it’s time for Plankton to show his face and giant head.

But dude, can you even think of all the cool ways we could use this if this really works? Like why aren’t we hypnotizing tough army guys who have to get tortured and bad stuff like that…hypnosoilders? You could hypnotize yourself every day before you go to work and just do stuff that you hate and not even care. We could all be, BRING ON THE TPS REPORT I FEEL NO PAIN ASSHOLE, I’M A HYPNOEMPLOYEE. This seems obvious to me and the only one who really got it was Biggie.

Ok back to me but also you. Now this is important. The hypnotizing lady says we can’t say bad birth words anymore that will put bad images of birth into my brain. SO YOU WILL ALL RESPECT THAT OR YOU CAN’T COME IN MY BUBBLE OF PEACE. And it’s awesome in there so you want to be in there. I’m serious it’s pink with sparkles.  My vagina is on the line here. I am not playing.

I’m not even going to write the words here. But I will link to them if you want to see them and know what you can’t say. I will put replacement words for you to use as we discuss my vagina in the future:

Instead of THIS you will say “pressure waves”
Instead of THIS you will say “birthing time”
Instead of THIS you will say “transition time”
Instead of THIS you will say “pressure”
And instead of THIS you will say “butt vomit”

So in summary. Hypnobabies is hard because my  brain is on fire all the time and thinks about things like if there is a murderer hiding in my attic which is in my closet and he’s just waiting for the right time to capture me in a sack. (I need to stop watching I Survived).
But I’m going to keep going and we are all going to be SUPPORTIVE OF ME AND MY VAGINA. No negative comments and only positive support.

Thank you,
MODG Management.

PS I may have been hypnotized when writing this. You don’t even know. OR maybe YOU have been hypnotized. BAM.

You totally know Hypnobabies will be stealing this for their new logo.


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  • Kaela September 9, 2010 at 8:44 am

    I pictured the very same thing when you said Hypnobabies – freaky. But hey, I would also want to take every preventitive measure against my…..how do I say this positively…..? flower being….opened to the point that it….ah forget it.

    • Melanie September 9, 2010 at 10:38 am

      That is spills it’s nectar? That it loses it’s petals? Something about pollen? Ok that’s all I got.

    • Mo September 9, 2010 at 10:59 am

      the point that, after a brief, lavender-scented transition time, pressure waves shake the petals of your flower apart, and spray nectar all over the attending bees and fairies as the ripe fruit emerges…

  • BigSis September 9, 2010 at 8:51 am

    I’m certainly numb at work. Is that the same as hypnotized?

  • chinamommy September 9, 2010 at 9:17 am

    you kill me….and make me glad everyday that i adopted…i never even spoke of my vagina the whole time! I did adopt from China and am quite sure my daughter will take over the world someday (or just start a cult).

  • Stephanie September 9, 2010 at 9:33 am

    I don’t plan on having kids, so right now I am sort of vicariously living through your vagina. So don’t worry, only sparkle heart pressure waves from me. This glitter pregnancy stuff is less nightmare inducing.

  • Big Boops September 9, 2010 at 9:34 am

    You had me at TPS report . . . I will remain with in the peace bubble.

  • my favorite and my best September 9, 2010 at 9:45 am

    i have the 1i38409309403910$$$$ hypnobirthing CD’s if you want them…
    i did that shit during my pregnancy and once the fucking pain of labor hit me the hypnobirthing cd’s became ridiculous and useless. but i will send them to you if you want to listen.

  • Renee September 9, 2010 at 9:53 am

    I for one, am loving your stellar use of photo shop on the Duggar family photo. It looks totally legit.
    As for hypnobabies, I’m going to hold my comments for afterward when we hear how it works for you. I mean, it MUST work or they wouldn’t charge people for it, right? I was a big fan of the epidural myself, but that’s clearly not the direction your going in so I’d interested to see how this works out.
    Your vagina will live to tell about it, I’m sure.

  • Melanie September 9, 2010 at 10:35 am

    Oh MODG, I am so right there with you. Except without a doula, because I am cheap. Negativity is the worst, because fuck off it’s my body and if I want to let hippies rub my hips and tell me I am a birth godess then that is what I will do, but it’s the passive agressive, condescending attitudes that piss me off the most. “Oh, you’ll see when you’re in labor, good thing the hospital is close.” Well hoody do and fuck you too. No one wins when you make a pregnant woman feel like she failed. Assholes.

  • Andrea September 9, 2010 at 10:48 am

    I listened to the Hyp-Birth CD’s when I was pregnant. I loved embracing my inner-hippie and gettin’ all tranquil while the lady talked about pouring “warm liquid light” all over my body, and visualizing me and my fetus flying over my house and over mountains and trees and stuff. This s#$% is legit!
    My mom told me about women who were able to have “orgasmic births” I couldn’t find that set of CDs…

    • Norma September 9, 2010 at 11:18 am

      omg…i totally saw a show on some lady trying to have a second orgasmic birth! tlc? i dont remember

    • MelanieSonnier September 9, 2010 at 4:34 pm

      Orgasmic birth is an idea that came from the birth ranch Ina May Gaskin founded. It’s actually pretty legit, since when you are in pain your body shoots off endorphins and you may be able to orgasm from that alone. Some women even say rubbing your love button (only non dirty way I can bring myself to say it) can help ease contractions.

      • Karena September 10, 2010 at 3:21 pm

        I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth. I can only imagine eveyone in the delivery room “Hey honey? Can you reach down and rub my, you know, love button?” “Oh, and can everyone please look away while I cum?”

        • Jilly- J's Mom May 19, 2011 at 8:29 pm

          Oh sick oh sick oh sick oh sick. Never would I ever want to gasm right then. But I have heard that only in natural births right when the baby comes out all the way you get like this amazing high better than any drug in the world. All the pain goes away too! That is one reason I would love to have a natural birth… I like natural highs!

  • Teisha September 9, 2010 at 11:17 am

    I’m already a hypnoemployee.
    A friend of mine did the hypnobirth thing and I think it worked for her. She pushed (we need a fairy rainbow word for pushing) a 9+ lb baby out naturally so that shit is definitely legit.
    I, on the other hand, went into “birthing time” with the mentality of, pioneer women did it naturally so can I, and I did-ish with the help of Nubain which makes you feel drunk so that was fun after 8.5 months of sobriety I welcomed it.
    You can do it!
    Just no “butt vomit” please. Stephanie Tanner does not need to see your vagina. Neither does my mom.

    • Mo September 9, 2010 at 3:15 pm

      Fairy-rainbow pushing=”waiting for your vagina to exhale?”

      There should be a dude language for this too. Like labor and delivery could just be called “Ex-boxing your baby” No, never mind. They don’t do all the work. They get nothing.

  • Norma September 9, 2010 at 11:18 am

    you are so weird. i love it!

  • ZDub September 9, 2010 at 12:02 pm

    You need to take your preggo self and down to Borders and get the newest Hypno book. It comes with ONE CD that is new and stuff.

    It works, it does. Hold the hypo magic in your heart and vagina, Biggie would want it this way.

  • Rach September 9, 2010 at 12:23 pm

    I feel ya sister. Y’all, I’m not pregnant and don’t have my own kids yet (although I make a KICKASS aunt)… but I was a 10.5 pound baby and my mom was in *birthing time* with me for 22 hours… and if there is even a SHRED of truth to the whole “hereditary birthing experience” thing… then I will insist on people saying and behaving EXACTLY AS I WANT THEM TO.

    I do that now; I’m just sayin’ I think pregnancy might make me seem less of a bitch about it. :)

  • Jen September 9, 2010 at 12:36 pm

    Awesome! I’m a fan of doing whatever works for you.
    I had my daughter by scheduled c-section. 1) because I am a control freak 2) because I was scared of what would happen to my body and 3) because I’m a control freak. You should have heard all the crap people gave me about my decision.
    My point is, everyone needs to be comfortable with their own decision even if it involves your child being delivered by a half-man half-unicorn while little fairies play their flutes.

  • Becky Mochaface September 9, 2010 at 12:38 pm

    Go go gadget MODG vagina!

  • Shandal September 9, 2010 at 1:20 pm

    Stephanie T was my fav character on FH! What about the name Stephen? Or the guy’s name from Vampire Diaries, Stefan?

  • JAS September 9, 2010 at 1:35 pm

    Peace love and cloud va-jays. Sparkles. Unicorns. Dancing baby unicorns. Ok, all I got.

  • Christina Harper September 9, 2010 at 2:27 pm

    Wait? We’ve all got to be positive now? This is bullshit, man.

    I mean, I totally respect your vagina and everything, and Plankton and everything, but seriously? Pressure waves and transition time?

    I need the old MODG back… Hypnobabies be damned. :/

  • Kiki September 9, 2010 at 4:11 pm

    Now that you are in a safe and comfortable place, begin to relax — that is the beginning of all my hypno-birhting tapes. Just thinking of it makes me want to lay down and count backwards from 20 — that was the next step in my relaxation process. I loved mine to help me through pregnancy but once the ah, ah, ah pressure waves really started to crash on the shores, I asked for the epidural – and quick. Still used some of the techniques but I did not succeed in going full natural — with either child.

    Here is one of the favorite things my “guided imagery” (I guess this is different from hypno-stuff) lady shared (I went to individual sessions with her and she sent me home with the cd’s) Don’t sweat all the stories you will hear from other people — those are their stories and not yours. You will create your own story. And being the super sparkly, rainbow glittered star that you are, your story will also be super sparkly and rainbow happy — with extra glitter. So keep in the positive and enjoy the journey! I’ll put some extra positive vibes out into the universe for you!

  • momma g September 10, 2010 at 11:22 am

    Well, the whole point is a healthy baby and momma, so however someone chooses to give birth is cool. I think it is super smart of you to learn a pain control technique, they come in handy. I used the bradley method, and I will share it w you for free. Focus on an object in the room, focus on your breath and controlling it, ignore all the other shit. I gave birth naturally to my second child but had an epidural with my first (epidurals-omg-the best shit ever, just sayin)…both babies are healthy and I had great experiences. Its a birth not the olympics, you won’t get a shiny medal for a natural birth. Trust me though, I am working on one. But perhaps you shld try and create a flexible part to this, like prepare your self mentally for all scenarios-natural, epidural, section…that way if birthing doesn’t happen the way you want it, you won’t become a super freak and start freaking out. All doctors will tell you to let go and remember birth is not something we are completely in control of. Once you realize that, you will have an amazing experience. Let your mantra be “I am going with the flow, my baby will be born in a safe manner and I will feel no discomfort and have an awesome birth experience”
    Peace out

    • Karena September 10, 2010 at 3:28 pm

      PERFECTLY said! I hate the high and mighty “I did it without drugs” people. And? I gave birth to an 11 pound+ baby vaginally and I was 125 pounds, you want a damn cookie? I went into…er…transition? with the idea that I was going to try it completely natural, but if I couldn’t handle it, I wouldn’t refuse drugs. At first I got along with Demoral (sp?) and then a few hours later had the epidural. BEST DECISION EVER. My friends still quote my shouts of “hooray for cathetars!!”. I personally see no reason to need to go through that kind of….pressure….BUT, I do believe everybody makes the choices that are right for them. So MODG, rock your hippiness, but like momma g said, keep an open mind in case your plan doesn’t go exactly to spec. Either way you will have a sparkly glittery birth to a beautiful plankton!

  • Kimberly September 13, 2010 at 11:22 pm

    I hope it works, but I’ll have nightmares about those babies!

  • CortCort May 11, 2011 at 6:35 pm

    Omg! I survived is the scariest!! I had to quit dvring it. It was fucking with my life and sleep. You must be talking about the southern lady who got beat with the claw side of the hammer by the ninja who was hiding in the attack for 3 days. If you ever have a girl and don’t want her to leave the house make her watch I survived!