Put aside the natural birth I’m having in a grandma house. Put aside the midwives and the Crocs. And I’m even going to let you put aside the fairy doula I hired. Because today we’re talking about the really weird stuff. This is the stuff that I’m even having a hard time wrapping my brain around. We’re talking about hypnosis ninja brain control for my birthing times. Oh yes we are.
I know you’re asking yourself, Why is MODG always doing weird shit? Can’t she be normal about one thing in her life? At least that’s what my non internet friends say to me. Answer: no. Don’t ask again.
Hypnosis. Actually, Hypnobabies. Yes, I’m in a home schooled program called Hypnobabies and every time I say it, I picture a gaggle of little babies walking around with their arms stretched out in front of them like acid tripping frankenstein babies. It’s not that though. It’s a program of CD’s (although I cheaped out and got the old version so they refer to them as “tapes”) that I listen to every night and the nice lady on it tries to hypnotize me and we talk about special places and comfortable birthing and peace bubbles and pressure waves and happy dancing babies. And I also feel like I’m now a Duggar because of the home school thing.
So yes, this woman on my tapes literally puts me into hypnosis. Well she tries. Then she says things like, “try and open your eyes. See you can’t!” And there I am opening my eyes like…LADY you told me to open them! And then I get all upset that I’m not hypnotized. I mean dude. It’s hard to hypnotize yourself. Let alone hypnotize your vagina into feeling like a bag of clouds and hugs when it’s time for Plankton to show his face and giant head.
But dude, can you even think of all the cool ways we could use this if this really works? Like why aren’t we hypnotizing tough army guys who have to get tortured and bad stuff like that…hypnosoilders? You could hypnotize yourself every day before you go to work and just do stuff that you hate and not even care. We could all be, BRING ON THE TPS REPORT I FEEL NO PAIN ASSHOLE, I’M A HYPNOEMPLOYEE. This seems obvious to me and the only one who really got it was Biggie.
Ok back to me but also you. Now this is important. The hypnotizing lady says we can’t say bad birth words anymore that will put bad images of birth into my brain. SO YOU WILL ALL RESPECT THAT OR YOU CAN’T COME IN MY BUBBLE OF PEACE. And it’s awesome in there so you want to be in there. I’m serious it’s pink with sparkles. My vagina is on the line here. I am not playing.
I’m not even going to write the words here. But I will link to them if you want to see them and know what you can’t say. I will put replacement words for you to use as we discuss my vagina in the future:
Instead of THIS you will say “pressure waves”
Instead of THIS you will say “birthing time”
Instead of THIS you will say “transition time”
Instead of THIS you will say “pressure”
And instead of THIS you will say “butt vomit”
So in summary. Hypnobabies is hard because my brain is on fire all the time and thinks about things like if there is a murderer hiding in my attic which is in my closet and he’s just waiting for the right time to capture me in a sack. (I need to stop watching I Survived).
But I’m going to keep going and we are all going to be SUPPORTIVE OF ME AND MY VAGINA. No negative comments and only positive support.
PS I may have been hypnotized when writing this. You don’t even know. OR maybe YOU have been hypnotized. BAM.