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CONFESSION FRIDAY…featuring santa, weed, overalls and of course, poop.

August 20, 2010

Wait for it....

It’s CONFESSION FRIDAY! Are you a bag full of smiles and jazz? Do you know why I’M a bag full of smiles and jazz? Because 30,000 of you pulled through with suggestions for Plankton’s future name. Maybe it’s because you know you’ll be seeing it all over TMZ in 18 years and you want to be sure it’s awesome. I get that. On to the confessions.

It’s been a while since we’ve aired this bit on MODG so I’m going to restate the origin and rules for the new members of the double  hearts club.

1) I’m a reverend. For real. Don’t F with me or I’ll make you clean the pews.

2) These confessions are my favorite comments from last week’s Confession Friday from bloggers and readers around the world.

3) After mocking your fellow bloggers, leave your confession in the comments. If it’s weird enough, I’ll feature you next week.

**It does not have to be about poop. For some reason 98% of my readers have a poop fetish. This is out of my hands. Sometimes the simplest confessions make me pee. That’s your goal, make me pee. And these days, it’s pretty easy.

My Confession: I secretly LOVE being pregnant. I like never want to NOT be pregnant. People are so nice to me and tell me how great I look all the time. They bring me food and hold doors for me and tell me I’m a trooper. Here’s the secret though: I’m not a tropper. I’m actually a huge complainer. But this is like kind of easy so far and I super heart the attention. I can eat a huge meal of fried chocolate twizzlers and stick my bloated fat out and people tell me it’s beautiful. I actually feel skinnier than I did before I was pregnant because in relation to my belly, I look mini. There is a chance I could be the next Michelle Duggar.

Stinky Revenge Confession Meghan
When my little sister was about 5 or 6 years old – she was the baby of the family and a spoiled brat who got anything she wanted not that I’m the oldest and bitter about it or anything – she still sometimes would ask me to wipe her butt for her after she poops (**Seriously how old were you? I would have pushed my sister ass first into the toilet). These weren’t cute little baby turds, but regular child-sized, I eat normal food poops. So, when my parents were gone once, I decided I was going to nip that practice in the bud ASAP. I pooped and called her into the bathroom and told her since I wiped her butt, she would have to wipe mine…she took one look at me and my butt, started crying and never asked to be wiped again. (*Good for you. As a fellow oldest, all youngest should be made to wipe our butts for 18 years.)

I can’t decide which is worse Confession RMarie
One day, while I was in college, I took a little afternoon trip to the Macys store in the local mall to shop for whatever. While I was browsing the racks and sipping my diet coke, this HORRIBLE stomach pain starts hitting me like a thousand knives and punches. We’ve all felt it. I HAD. TO. FART!!! So I discreetly keep browsing the racks, and nonchalantly make my way to a distant corner in the store. I tried to keep walking a little bit so as to spread the smell out among the racks so no one would know it was me. But while I was STILL farting, I pushed too hard and accidentally SHIT myself. But not just any shit. A horrible diarrhea shit (*You THINK this is her confession. I’m going to tell you that it’s not). And it was running down my legs! I just stood there. Mortified. Not knowing where to go, because I’d never been to this store’s restroom. There I was…….stuck in a random, obscure corner with diarrhea shit running down my legs underneath my extremely loose fitting overalls. (I know. overalls. But it was 2000. cut me some slack.) (*And there it is folks. If you would have said 1996 I MAYBE would have been like, ok I get it, 90210 and the like. But 2000 was circa BSpears. For shame.) So I do this kind of straight leg hobble walk, so as to not get the shit all over the inside of my overalls, and ask the nearest clerk to direct me to the restroom. When I FINALLY get in there, get my pants down, undershorts and underwear down, it’s seriously everywhere. After I’ve cleaning most of it off my legs, I realize that my underwear and undershorts (because the overalls were so loose fitting, I used to wear a pair of shorts under as well) (!!!), have to be discarded. So I wadded them both up, shit and all, and threw them into the trash can next to the door and prayed to God that no one could see or smell me on the way out of the mall. It was so humiliating. I’m sure there were shit stains on the back of my pants, so I was doing a run/walk all the way to my car.

Confession Warrior of the Week Sarah
A Greyhound busload of Santa’s offered me weed in a liquor store parking lot. I am seriously concerned about what children are getting for Christmas these days. (*And this has the pee factor for me. 1 because I would love to know the shenanigans that Sarah was up to that warranted a weed offering. I mean to offer weed you have to look the part of the accepting stoner. And from a bus of Santas no less. Yes, thank you. Simple and weird. Winner winner confession sinner.)

Congratulations Sarah. You are a true Confession Warrior.

Your turn. Think you are a Confession Warrior like Sarah and John? Prove it.

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  • Meghan August 20, 2010 at 9:06 am

    To answer your question, I was about 21 at the time…so I couldn’t really push my sister into the toilet. I had to use manipulation and mind games. Less bruises, more emotional scars.

  • Big Boops August 20, 2010 at 10:03 am

    Okay, I’m kind of secretly obsessed with Michelle Duggar. Like, I go to her website all the time and I secretly pine away for 20 crockpots to cook her mega huge recipes. And I’m majorly jealous of her cafeteria style buffet line. I live about 2 hours away from her and will be passing by her house in a week and have had serious thoughts about stopping by for some breastmilk. Ok, jk about the breastmilk, kinda. So if you became a mini MD then I would love you all the more.


    I once chased my little sister around with a knife. This is all explainable by the fact that I was doing the dishes and wanted to talk on the phone. And being the shit that she was, wouldn’t give it to me. So I kinda sorta chased her around the house with a knife I had been washing (it was a steak knife, not a butcher knife or anything). I thought I would just scare her and she would drop the phone. Oh no. She locks herself in the bathroom and calls our parents freaking out. I tried to tell her it was okay and she could come out and I wasn’t going to hurt her. But she would n’t come out until my grandparents got there. I was in mucho trouble let me tell you. But JEEZ I was 13, talking on the phone is serious shit when you are that age!

  • Gini August 20, 2010 at 10:35 am

    Okay, the wiping of the sister’s buttnuggets made me remember something kind of effed up I did to my own sister once. We were feuding siblings, obvi, because who wasn’t? She was sweeter to me much more than I was to her though. I digress.

    One day we were watching some movie, probably Milo & Otis, I dunno, and I took a load of clothes out of the dryer to fold while watching. A mom’s habits rub off, you know. So while I was in the laundry room, I got a wicked idea that I was mostly just curious about– I didn’t really want to hurt her or anything, I just wanted to do it, just for fun. I crawled into the dryer and called her into the laundry room. She came in and I was like “Oooh, so warm and cozy in here, I could take a nap! Want to feel it too? It’s like a fun little cave!” And of COURSE she did. So she crawled into the dryer…..at which point I slammed the door shut and turned it on. JUST FOR A SECOND! I heard her shriek and tumble and instantly the fear of my mother’s knowledge of this dastardly deed choked me with dread (also, alliteration), so I yanked the door open and squealed “Wasn’t that so fun?!?!?” She was so utterly confused at my happyfuntimes attitude that I think I actually convinced her it WAS fun instead of fucked up.

    • Mandy August 20, 2010 at 7:39 pm

      Freaking hilarious! I wish I had have done that to my sister, just the once!

  • Teisha August 20, 2010 at 10:47 am

    I accidentally named my first born after our dog. I blame the Nubain, and the fact that I’m an idiot. Since then I’ve had nasty thoughts of accidentally running the dog over.

    • Jamie October 26, 2011 at 11:30 pm

      OMG, you should be a winner with this one. Tears of laughter for this one!

  • *LLUVIA* August 20, 2010 at 10:59 am

    Meghan’s confession had me laughing my ass off!!! Good for her!!
    I love that you love being pregnant! I loved it too! People are really kind and courteous when you’re around. But you do get a lot of unwanted advice from strangers. Even now when I walk around with a baby, I get unwanted advice.

    Confession: My neighbors, behind me, party 3 or 4 times a week till 4 a.m. Tired of it, I decided to get revenge one early morning, while they had just gotten to bed. I pulled out my tile saw. I set my own tile in my house, so yes, I have a tile saw. Anyway, I took it outside along with a few left over tiles. Our house is divided by a wall, so I set everything up right next to the wall. I put on my headphones, and began sawing tile, very slowly at 6:45 a.m. The noise, oh the noise!!!! I did this for about a whole hour. Then I took a break; let them think I’m done…then I started again. Every time they would party, I would do this. My neighbors have not partied in a very LONG TIME.

  • RMarie August 20, 2010 at 11:10 am

    HAHAHA! I love that you felt that wearing the overalls was in comparison to the actual poop accident. :) For the record, though, I went to college at Utah State University…………I think that says a lot about my fashion choice at the time. LOL!

  • MamaB August 20, 2010 at 11:45 am

    Not very juicy- but true-
    Sometimes in step class at the gym- I pretend to have to go to the bathroom because I am tie-red I have to sit on the toilet and rest for a minute. Then I start to wonder what the person in the next stall is thinking- because here I am on the toilet breathing all hard and trying to catch my breath. wierdo…

    *oh- and since having a baby- empty your WHOLE bladder before doing any type of working out- because somehow a little pee always makes a trickle!

  • KMW August 20, 2010 at 11:54 am

    I am back MODG – I promised I would be. I just needed some personal time to deal with some serious sads. I’m feeling much better now and ready to “get back on the horse” with the baby makin’ so to speak. TMI.

    Anywhoo… I thought that to celebrate my coming back that I would post a confession. I seem to detect a “sibling rivalry” trend and will follow suit:

    When we were little, my parents had this “wallpaper mural” at the end of our hallway, you know the kind – the forest scene circa 1970’s sears décor catalogue. I told my little sister that if she ran fast enough down the hall and hit the wall hard enough, she would *pop* right into the forest scene. She did it – and hit the wall – hard. And cried that 1) she just ran into a wall and it hurt and 2) she didn’t pop into the forest scene. I told her that she didn’t run fast enough and… she did it again. TWICE.

    I still laugh about that. And I told this story at her wedding. In my Maid of Honor speech.

    • Big Boops August 20, 2010 at 3:07 pm

      Fucking hilarious! This made my absolute day. You are a genius

      • KMW August 20, 2010 at 3:14 pm

        I wish I was a genius now that I’m a grown-up. I had such great (albeit evil) ideas as a kid. It’s no wonder I didn’t turn out to be a social deviant… and it’s a miracle that my sister speaks to me 😉 In my defence – she was bigger than me and beat me up. I had to have SOME way of getting back at her.

    • Marianne August 20, 2010 at 3:16 pm

      HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! This is the best story I have ever heard, by a long shot. You truly are a genius. What was the reaction when you told the story at her wedding?

    • jo August 20, 2010 at 7:06 pm

      that is seriously fucking funny stuff.

    • Ashley August 23, 2010 at 1:16 pm

      Oh my god, you are fantastic. I almost just wet myself reading this (then I read the remainder of the confessions, reread your story and almost peed again). Awesome!

  • kelly August 20, 2010 at 12:17 pm

    when my sister was 5 yrs old (i was 10) my dad told her to snap beans. when he turned his back she stuck out her tongue at him. i blackmailed her for ONE FULL YEAR.

    whatever i told her to do, she HAD to do it.

    if she resisted, i would just give her THE LOOK, and she would comply.

    one day i told her to get me something to eat, she resists, i gave her the look, and she bursts into tears and tells my mom EVERYTHING.

    and my days as a young mafia princess blackmailer came to an abrupt end.

  • Shelley August 20, 2010 at 2:12 pm

    When I was about 9, & my sister about 6, we had separate bedrooms for the first time, & she used to get scared by herself & want to sleep w/me in my own room sometimes. Usually I would cave in & let her when she cried, but one time, I told her she could only sleep w/me if she let me pick her scab!! She had been in some bike wreck & had this awesome huge scab on her knee, & since I loved picking my own huge scabs when I was lucky enough to have one, I wanted to pick hers off so bad. Guess what? She let me!

  • Not My Real Name August 20, 2010 at 2:22 pm

    I am a heavy sleeper, and I wet the bed. LAST WEEK. I went to bed (sober, fyi) and had a dream that **I was sitting on the toilet peeing, when I realized I hadn’t pulled down my black thong. Pee was shooting out on either side of the thong into the toilet.** Something in my brain must have told me to wake up. My eyes popped open at 5:30 am and I thought, “Oh NO. NOO!” and sure enough, I had peed the bed.

    My adorable husband did NOT make fun of me. He’s a keeper.

  • MommyLisa August 20, 2010 at 3:06 pm

    Okay – KMW is my pick. THAT is hillarious – too bad she didn’t also tell her little sister that she could then be a fairy! 😉

  • Marianne August 20, 2010 at 3:27 pm

    This is kind of lame, but when I was in 4th grade (1996), Beanie Babies were all the rage. I mean, people would drive all over God’s green acres for the newest one. Well, anyway, the girls used to bring theirs to school with them for whatever reason. Well, in fourth grade, we began rotating classrooms for different subjects, which meant we had access to other students’ desks. Let’s just say I got sticky fingers and began taking beanie babies.

    I went to a Catholic school, so nuns were our teachers sometimes. One nun came in after a missing duck was reported, and I was the last person near it (I stole it during religion class, no less). Said nun demanded to search all of my belongings (book bag, desk). Holy crap, I was so nervous that I was going to be beat to death by a nun. Fortunately, by the grace of God, I hid the thing in my lunch box that day and the broad didn’t have the presence of mind to check that! HA! In your face Sr. Margaret!

    Needless to say, my days of kleptomania came to an abrupt end and have never returned. I also went to confession the next day so I could be absolved of my sins. The end.

  • Rasha August 20, 2010 at 11:49 pm

    You are TOOOO funny about the being preggo thing!

  • Roberto August 21, 2010 at 4:52 am

    I admit I’ve never been to this site before. I was browsing around twitter and saw the interesting lady who has blue hair during lunch or something. Thanks!

  • SisterMerryHellish August 21, 2010 at 2:30 pm

    AHA! I knew it was you Marianne! I knew if I just waited long enough you’d make a mistake! Baby Jesus has been crying non-stop since you were in the 4th grade over this! Now, hand over the beanie baby while I get out my yard stick. Yes, I said yard stick!


    Fine, you got me. I won’t be casting any stones myself. Please, all of you, hear my confession:

    A few jobs back, a coworker whose wife had divorced him under suspicion that he was gay (we agreed), would complain incessantly about not being able to meet the right woman. He’d tried everything, why couldn’t he find Miss Right? Where was Miss Right? This went on for years.

    One day he sent a snarky email complaining (what else) about the idiocy and complete lack of decision-making skills of the project lead he’d just met with to myself and another coworker (KrazyKev) who were both on said project as well. I responded back to KrazyKev that the Complainer should talk since he couldn’t even decide what side of the fence he was on sexually. Two seconds later my phone was ringing. It was KrazyKev informing me he thought my email was funny but the Complainer probably wouldn’t agree. WHAT?! Oh dear GOD! I’d hit “reply to all!” What should I do? What should I DO?! In a panic, I scanned the office and the Complainer’s desk. He was nowhere to be found. After instructing (read: pleading with) KrazyKev to keep an eye out, I walked as calmly as I could to the Complainer’s cubicle and called the Help Desk. I explained in a panicked voice that was close to tears that I needed a file off of the Complainer’s computer, a report for the asshole vice president everyone was afraid of, and he had disappeared and if they didn’t give me his password immediately both of us were going to get fired! Knowing the asshole VP had fired people for less than missing a deadline the sympathetic IT guy gave the Complainer’s log-on information. I quickly thanked him and asked that he not say anything about it the Complainer (or anyone else) because I didn’t want him to get in trouble after being so nice as to save my ass and the fewer people who knew the better! He agreed.

    I tell you folks, I have NEVER maneuvered around anyone else’s computer so fast! I had the scandalous email up and deleted when I heard KrazyKev talking loudly a few rows down. “Complainer! I got your email about the project lead. God what a moron! Hey, how’s the search for Miss Right going? Walk with me while I go get some more coffee. I’ve only had eleven cups today! Hahahaha…” God bless that man! He bought me some time to go into the Complainer’s Archive files and delete it there as well before locking his computer back up and nearly breaking into a run to get back to my desk before the kitchen door swung back open . *whew* Dodged a HUGE bullet! Unfortunately, KrazyKev, who’d completely saved my ass and should be sainted, was now the Complainer’s new bestest buddy! It’s been over 10 years and I STILL feel bad! Not too long ago, I ran into the Complainer while walking to lunch. He’s doing well but still hasn’t found Miss Right. I know. I was shocked too.

  • Krista August 22, 2010 at 11:32 am

    Love your blog. You crack me up haha. Thought I’d leave a comment to see if you actually read all of them since you have SO many. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

  • Juli D. August 23, 2010 at 1:31 pm

    I have the best confession, but I have no way to word it without sounding certifiably crazy. Yeah…

    So settle for this: I hold my breath when I walk by people in the greeting card aisle because I am afraid of walking into someone else’s farts. Why do I do this? Guilty conscience because I crop dust all the time.

  • Elissa Kojzarek August 23, 2010 at 4:17 pm

    This is less of a confession, more of a story.

    We are just now trying to conceive as well, and I totally signed up with your fertility frien(emy). I just got an email with the first of 20 “courses” to help me learn how to become The Ovulation Whisperer. THEN I discovered that there are quizzes at the end of each lesson, and I will get a certificate at the end. I didn’t know you had to get certified to get pregnant, but I have always been competitive in the academic world, so I WILL get a 4.0 in babymaking, maybe even Valedictorian that business. I love charting and tracking and managing things, plus I can tell my husband “Not tonight, dear, the Internet Babymaker says so.”
    I am also super thrilled that I can get pregnancy tests for cheaps because the Target brand was starting to cost more than the mortgage, and hubby was not to thrilled with the reasoning that he could not get a new golf club because I needed to check every day whether or not I was pregnant. YOU SAVED OUR MARRIAGE! I almost got the nifty pee cup they shill as well, because IT HAS A HOLDER so I can multitask while pregtesting, but I resisted. Maybe for Christmas.

    • Juli D August 24, 2010 at 6:32 pm

      OMG! I signed up for it, too! I have only gotten 12 emails, haven’t read ANY of them. I’m thinking my uterus will finally call my bluff and decide it’s time. It’s been 2 YEARS & 5 months of Clomid.

  • Mo August 23, 2010 at 5:16 pm

    Keeping with the theme:

    I was about nine and my sister was about six.
    We were playing hide and seek with some other kids, and I convinced her that the best place to hide would be inside the bean bag chair. So I shoved her through the zipper opening, zipped it up behind her, and when the other kids couldn’t find her, I pretended not to know. I let them sit on the bean bag chair with her still in it…for a lot longer than I probably should have.

    …in retrospect, I was kind of a semi-homocidal jerk. Meh. She turned out okay. Live and learn.

  • Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic August 23, 2010 at 10:27 pm

    Oh how I’ve missed confession Friday!!! For the record you are one tiny prego woman! And you’re adorable! Now that I’m done buttering you up my confession is simple…

    I still own a single beanie baby. I’m looking at it right now. Her is Freckles and she is a Cheetah. I didn’t think of it as a confession until reading the hilarious story above! So there you have it, a 33 year old who still owns a beanie baby.

  • Flashback Friday! – Stop Judging Me! | Inside Out & Backwards August 27, 2010 at 9:38 am

    […] anyone reading this and thinking “hey, this seems familiar.”  Last week I posted it on MODG’s Confession Friday blog (my apologies for not having the ability to sum-up) in the comments section.  KrazyKev was […]

  • designstiles September 25, 2010 at 12:13 am

    I’m on to you. My Husband became a “reverend” BI (before internet). Twelve dollars and ninety five cents said so.