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CONFESSION FRIDAY IS HERE. now you can all leave me alone.

August 13, 2010

It’s back it’s back IT’S BACK. My god. I have never “seen” so many internet friends dying to put their grossest secrets on the internet. I’ll be honest. Confession posts are a pain in the ass for me. Going back and reading through them, injecting witty comments, finding pictures, designating princesses. You know, it’s a lot. But we’ll start fresh today.

I’m going to start and end with my confession. You may freak out.

So I’m KIND of over Suri Cruise. I know. I just feel like she is so 2009/ Spring 2010. She needs a new bit. I’m over her barefeet and straggle hair. It’s like a new era and I have a new love.

You all may know her, but please meet Shiloh/John:

Shiloh like seriously HATES being a girl. She insists on being called “John” (loves it), only wears her brother’s clothes and told her mom that if she didn’t cut all of her hair off right this second she would ram her toy dump truck over her face.

There is nothing I love better than a baby with an attitude and John will straight up slice you open with his sword if you put her in a dress.


Sorry Suri. Step up your game and maybe I’ll let you back into my world.

Ok your turn with the confessions. Next week I’ll start featuring you all again. I’ll just set aside 6.5 hours of my time to make it happen.

Go to it.

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  • Holly August 13, 2010 at 8:21 am

    Oh my gosh, Shiloh is ADORABLE!

    Confession: (Since I just talked about this with a friend) I once stayed the night at my friends house while she was away. Got super drunk and peed in her sock drawer. I didn’t know this until a week later. Oops. Bring out the bleach girl!

  • reallygottawork August 13, 2010 at 8:27 am

    so…. first time i’ve like EVER commented, but i’m euro-trash (like, really, i live in the czech republic. which ISN’T russia). i have many confessions.
    first: i love ur blog, but seriously swore i was never ever gonna read again when you said you were pregnant, cos all my friends are dropping kids and they’re starting to annoy me. but then i got withdrawal symptoms after maybe three days and started reading again. and am super-extra-happy that ur gonna have a plankton. also, i’ve decided to grow a crystal on my desk (like those kits u can get from the toy store) in order to prepare myself for motherhood.
    and… real confession… i have a boyfriend and everything but last sat i kissed a girl in a bar. NOT because of katy perry, NOT because i was ‘curious’, NOT because i wanted to impress some lame guy. totally because she was wearing some shiny glittery lipgloss and i wanted me some, and it was the only way i could think of of getting some without asking to borrow it. which would be weird. possibly not as weird as just kissing her, but still weird,
    and bonus poop confession: i totally pooped at work (in the one toilet we have) and blamed the horrific smell on my co-worker who i hate. and i put a spider on her desk. end.

    • Elina August 14, 2010 at 12:00 pm

      Awesome !

  • Lisa August 13, 2010 at 8:52 am

    Love your blog, love you.
    So anyway, my most recent moment of shame occurred a few days ago when I was standing in the kitchen slamming some chips into my face straight out of the bag. Salt & vinegar. I know. But I am a breastfeeding mother and in the words of Saint Bethenny, food is all I’ve got right now. SO, I’m eating the chips and am pretty much done and I decide to just go ahead and polish off the bag because it’s a shorter walk to the trashcan than it is to the pantry. Some may call it sloth but I call it economy of steps.

  • Meghan August 13, 2010 at 9:09 am

    I’m reposting mine from a million Fridays ago because I am lazy, it’s about poop and parenting-type stuff that you need to learn with a quickness:

    If I was pregnant right now, it would be some kind of Jesus-type miracle, but my confession does involve pooping and children. When my little sister was about 5 or 6 years old – she was the baby of the family and a spoiled brat who got anything she wanted not that I’m the oldest and bitter about it or anything – she still sometimes would ask me to wipe her butt for her after she poops. These weren’t cute little baby turds, but regular child-sized, I eat normal food poops. So, when my parents were gone once, I decided I was going to nip that practice in the bud ASAP. I pooped and called her into the bathroom and told her since I wiped her butt, she would have to wipe mine…she took one look at me and my butt, started crying and never asked to be wiped again.

  • Stephanie August 13, 2010 at 9:28 am

    Since Confession Friday is so much work, can you pawn off some of it on the fairy doula? Just sayin’

    • Kate August 13, 2010 at 9:48 am


    • Vicki August 13, 2010 at 5:47 pm

      Screw that, make B moderate it one week. You are living for two and growing a body right now. He should at least take control of the Internets for a week.

      Although the doula should definitely have social media skillz.

  • KIm August 13, 2010 at 9:51 am

    Shiloh? I feel bad for her, she is probably confused because she lives in Hollywood with all the other wack-o’s! She will be majorly confused someday….I would hope her parents are trying to guide and help her.

    • tricia August 13, 2010 at 11:13 am

      That kid is confused. She is obviously in need of some Scientology cleansing and barley water.

  • Kate August 13, 2010 at 9:52 am

    Alright…This is my first confession. I am an office manager and my bosses/owner’s wife is a super bitch and after a particularly ugly run-in at a company event last week where she basically cut me to shreds for no reason and talked to me like I’m the office whore trying to “steal her 30 year old chubby hubby” I’ve decided to invite as many of my pretty single girl friends by the office as possible just to watch her squirm. It never had to be like this, but she really over stepped her boundaries. Burn bitch.

  • laura August 13, 2010 at 10:05 am

    So many confession-worthy moments in the not so distant past. hmmm… I drunk dialed my boyfriends mom (now my mother in law) when we were first dating. I tried to order pizza from her. It was 4am. I wouldn’t have remembered it, except she called me the next day to “chat” and she asked if I ever got my pizza (i didn’t).

    PS – love your blog!

  • Becky Mochaface August 13, 2010 at 10:57 am

    About six months ago, I was performing a, er, job for my husband. That extra special sparkle kinda job all men really love and wouldn’t complain if we did it on a daily basis. Just as he was, well, finishing, I gagged. Only it didn’t stop there. I puked all over his penis. So mortifying, I just mumbled an apology and jumped up to get a washcloth. And now every time he hints around getting a job, I cringe and cross my fingers that I won’t do it again.

    • Lisa August 13, 2010 at 11:22 am

      You win.

      • Karena August 13, 2010 at 2:23 pm

        I posted the same confession a long time ago but never won so much as a sparkly mention. I hope you win, because puking on penises takes the…er…cake. Long live bad gag reflexes!

        • andrea August 17, 2010 at 12:09 am

          I did that once too, in high school, to my high school boyfriend, in my mom’s car (she wasn’t there, obviously…..he was driving) anyway, we hit a bump and….yeah. He got pissed at me too, as if I didn’t feel bad enough!

          Go team extreme gag reflex!

  • JessicaDuncan August 13, 2010 at 11:30 am

    I can’t believe I am admitting this, but I once pooped on the side of the street. A busy street. I had buffalo wings before a hockey game and it just hit while driving to the bar after the game. No bathroom even close by!!! My boyfriend had to pull over on the side of the street and I pooped on the curb. It was FREEZING out and my boyfriend had to hold my hands to hold me up while I squatted in the snow. He still teases me about it.

  • Sundy August 13, 2010 at 12:06 pm

    A few months after my husband and I had been dating we took a road trip. About an hour into our trip, I let out an “egg fluff” (silent fart that smells like a SERIOUSLY rotten egg).
    My husband: “oh. my. god. What the hell is that smell?!”
    Me (ms. polite southern girl): “There must be a paper mill around here.”
    He proceeded to exclaim how disgusting the smell was and gag. I still blame paper mills.

  • Meagan@Megs7827 August 13, 2010 at 1:01 pm

    Hire an assitant to do confession friday work for you. Like Max or me!

    Our downstairs neighbors had people over last night and there was loud music and yelling at like 9pm so I called security. It took them like an house to come over. The idiots didn’t shut up after securtiy came by so I called the cops! First time I’ve called the cops on anyone. Feel kind of dumb now but oh well.

    • Karena August 13, 2010 at 2:24 pm

      NINE pm????

      • Meagan@Megs7827 August 13, 2010 at 4:42 pm

        I don’t care what time it is. I pay $1300 a month for rent. No screaming and loud music allowed!

  • Jackie August 13, 2010 at 2:27 pm

    Team John fo sho! :)

  • Lisa L August 13, 2010 at 2:57 pm

    Here is Shiloh/John’s mom’s quote about why s/he likes to dress like a boy.

    “[She dresses] like a little dude. Shiloh, we feel, has Montenegro style. It’s how people dress there. She likes tracksuits, she likes [regular] suits. She likes to dress like a boy. She wants to be a boy. So we had to cut her hair. She likes to wear boys’ everything. She thinks she’s one of the brothers.”

    Fascinating. Isn’t s/he three? How does she know what she likes to look like???

  • RMarie August 13, 2010 at 3:07 pm

    I heard Angelina Jolie say in an interview recently that Shiloh is a very strong willed child, and that she thinks the way she dresses is “beautiful.” Not sure how to feel about that. But that little girl/John is going to be a very beautiful/handsome adult someday! :)

    Confession: One day, while I was in college, I took a little afternoon trip to the Macys store in the local mall to shop for whatever. While I was browsing the racks and sipping my diet coke, this HORRIBLE stomach pain starts hitting me like a thousand knives and punches. We’ve all felt it. I HAD. TO. FART!!! So I discreetly keep browsing the racks, and nonchalantly make my way to a distant corner in the store. I tried to keep walking a little bit so as to spread the smell out among the racks so no one would know it was me. But while I was STILL farting, I pushed too hard and accidentally SHIT myself. But not just any shit. A horrible diarrhea shit. And it was running down my legs! I just stood there. Mortified. Not knowing where to go, because I’d never been to this store’s restroom. There I was…….stuck in a random, obscure corner with diarrhea shit running down my legs underneath my extremely loose fitting overalls. (I know. overalls. But it was 2000. cut me some slack.) So I do this kind of straight leg hobble walk, so as to not get the shit all over the inside of my overalls, and ask the nearest clerk to direct me to the restroom. When I FINALLY get in there, get my pants down, undershorts and underwear down, it’s seriously everywhere. So I did the only prudent thing I could. I called my best friend on my red brick cell phone and start freaking out and she starts laughing hysterically. We’re both crying from laughter, I’m sitting on the toilet trying to use the toilet paper to clean myself up. (thanks to GOD that no one else was in the bathroom!) After I’ve cleaning most of it off my legs, hung up the phone, and wiped away the tears, I realize that my underwear and undershorts (because the overalls were so loose fitting, I used to wear a pair of shorts under as well), have to be discarded. So I wadded them both up, shit and all, and threw them into the trash can next to the door and prayed to God that no one could see or smell me on the way out of the mall. It was so humiliating. I’m sure there were shit stains on the back of my pants, so I was doing a run/walk all the way to my car. Needless to say, I never went back to that store again. I told my husband this story a few years ago, and he was disgusted, and still teases me about my SHART. :)

    • andrea August 17, 2010 at 12:14 am


  • Sarah RDH August 13, 2010 at 3:17 pm

    Ok first off, has there ever been another child MORE destined to be homosexual, than Shiloh/John?? I think not.

    Confession: A few weeks ago, I got really sick, like vom sick. Called into work. I never do that, ever. So as I lay at home alone, I get hit with the diarrhea as well. Ok sweet, maybe I’ll lose a few LB’s when all is said and done. So I’m laying in bed, watching tv, and I felt the urge to fart. And I thought to myself “No, go to the bathroom, bc if I fart, something may come out with it.” But I ignored that little voice and farted. I mean sharted. A nice wet runny shart. And then I laughed. And got myself some clean underwear and did that weird, wide stance duck waddle to the bathroom bc my underwear was full of wet poo. How gross. So Hubs comes home and I already made up my mind, that I have to tell him bc these things don’t happen everyday. So he walks in and I say “Honey, I have to tell you something.” And I take his hand, and he had that look on his face like ‘Please don’t tell me you’re knocked up again bc I can’t afford another child and my sanity can’t take it…”….and I said “I sharted today.” And he dropped my hand, seriously got PISSED and said “Why did you tell me that?” And I yelled “Why NOT?” as he stormed out of the room on his sick wifey. I guess it ruined that oh-so-perfect & hot image of me he still clings to. Whatev.

  • katelin August 13, 2010 at 4:02 pm

    excellent choice, shiloh is all sorts of adorable.

  • BreaghaMarie August 14, 2010 at 2:36 am

    If Brangelina doesn’t teach the kids cultural boundaries and roles, the kids will go all sorts of bonkers. If the kids want to go out in the “real world” someday they’re screwed.

  • *LLUVIA* August 14, 2010 at 6:00 pm

    I’m going to be those type of moms that will not dress her kids. She’ll have freedom on how to dress (except for the school uniform); so if she feels like dressing as a princess everyday, then so be it! That, will be the only freedom she will have because she’ll be sheltered pretty good! LOL!

    Confession: I have idea who’s kid Shiloh is. I’m sure Google has the answer; and I’m also sure you’re bound to post pictures of her and “his” parents; I’ll find out soon enough. If you hadn’t said she was a girl, I would have thought she was a boy. I guess I know very little about famous people.

  • smile steady August 14, 2010 at 9:18 pm

    Bahaha! I had no idea Shiloh was such the little John these days. That is hilarious. And you’re right, Suri just doesn’t compare!

  • Lil' Woman August 15, 2010 at 2:26 pm

    I was hoping you would jump to Shiloh. I agree Suri really doesn’t have much going on these days, same shit different day but c’mon Shiloh’s a cross dressing toddler for God’s sake! :)

  • hotpants August 15, 2010 at 4:48 pm

    Team John fo sho!

  • my favorite and my best August 16, 2010 at 8:29 am

    not sure if this qualifies as a confession and frankly i don’t want or need it to. but is it weird that i am secretly hoping my 5 year old daughter, fiona grows up to be a scissor sister just so she is eligible for “john’s” affections?

    i love that the offspring of what is arguably the best looking couple in the universe went butch instead of princess. so ironic.

  • Gina August 16, 2010 at 4:38 pm

    Confession: Ever since I found out that like 80% of women poop on the operating table when they are giving birth because they dont know how to push a baby out of a vag, I have been practicing pushing so that it doesnt happen to me. I mean like, practicing all. the. time. At work, watching the Kardashians, in yoga class, everywhere. Also? I am not pregnant and not planning on being pregnant for several years.

    • Holly August 18, 2010 at 12:20 am

      Gina!!! The correct way to push a baby out is to bear down and push like you are pooping. The doctors and nurses don’t care about a little poop! We’ve seen everything. You sound like you are probably not ready to be a mom. Trust me, I’m a mom of two and a nurse….when you are pregnant a little poop is the LEAST of your worries.

    • Samanduh August 18, 2010 at 8:29 pm

      hahahahahahahahahaha me too!

  • Sarah VL August 16, 2010 at 5:45 pm

    No confession, because it’s Monday, but I’m just having some MODG withdrawals. Came back to read all of the confessions which are hysterical! Thanks for facilitating, MODG!

  • Teisha August 16, 2010 at 7:03 pm

    Shiloh creeps me out. But Suri creeps me out even more, so fine, I’ll jump on board.

  • jimaie.marie August 16, 2010 at 7:21 pm

    Shiloh/John creeps me out. There’s just no way around it.

  • Sarah August 16, 2010 at 7:47 pm

    Confession: A Greyhound busload of Santa’s offered me weed in a liquor store parking lot. I am seriously concerned about what children are getting for Christmas these days…

    • Karena August 18, 2010 at 6:03 pm

      That is the most fantastic thing I have ever heard. Ever.

  • Krista August 23, 2010 at 4:01 pm

    I think Chaz Bono said the same thing to her mom, just sayin.

  • karen nuble February 18, 2011 at 10:08 am

    i have a form of ibs , it makes me poo soft rabbir type pelletts , my bum is making them constantly , if i push to hard i poop them out . i can sir on the toilet and poop for ages they come out slowly but they have no end . sounds weird i know but my doctor said it is something i will have to live with. i csn let them build up , then poop loads out on the loo . people must think im filling the loo but there only small , to cut a long story short I often push to fart and I get a few go into my knickers by accident . the gross one is having sex as im being entered they pop out my bum . my recend guy it puts him off as they smell and come out with a lot of farts . if we have sex for twenty minutes I do round twelve if them