If you have small boobs, back away from this post. Slowly. BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT.

accurate visual aid.

Picture me in your head pre-preg. I am 5’2’’, I’m about 110lbs. I have a sparkling way about me.  Please see the visual aid <——–. This will be  important information to retain for the following post.

B takes me. No, scratch that. I drag B to Pea in the Pants…or pot. Pee in the Pot for a bra. He was subjected to this trip as a result of subjecting me to the constant sound of buzzing bees in our house and then also on our special date. If you don’t instantly know what I’m talking about, you are a lucky woman whose husband wasn’t watching the world cup. And what a coincidence to be taken to a Mexican restaurant for your special date, the day of the Mexican soccer game, in front of the Mexican TV. And bees in Spanish? Still sound just as goddamn annoying.

ANYWAY. B owed me. So off to Pee in the Pot, the most overpriced stupid store on earth. I should open a maternity clothing store and be like, see this Forever21 dress? You need it because you’re fat and it’s the only thing that will make you look even somewhat like a regular human and I’m going to charge you 200 dollars. Cool? And you’d be like, give me 4. Now.

So I needed 3 things. A boppy pillow is one. If you don’t know what this shit it. You are missing out. You NEED IT TO LIVE YOUR LIFE. It takes sleeping to a whole new level. If I had this when I was single I MAY not have gotten married.

Next maternity pants. But their sizes are all wonked. I was swimming in an extra small. I get that they are trying to boost my ego but the spillover on my Jcrew Minnie’s is no long acceptable. So no pants = pants crisis.

Finally I need a brar, as Jill Zarin would say. Here’s a tip ladies. When you get preg, your boobs blow up within 24 hours. Don’t buy an expensive bra. Pick up some seashells and string or maybe just some masking tape or something else cheap because your fat cow boobs grow WEEKLY. I’m on my 3rd brar trip.

(For those of you who don’t remember this picture is from the oil cleanse post. Many of you have asked about this and if it worked. I can’t speak to it’s effectiveness because Plankton rules my skin. That baby scoffs at any and all skin remedies. It’s all, please bitch, don’t even bother. I run this show)

 

So I’m like, Pee Pot girl, please measure me. She does (in the middle of the store) B tries to look away. She gets quiet and whispers. “you’ll need an E”
what did you say pee pot? WHAT DID YOU SAY PEE POT GIRL? AN E? FOR ELAFANTITIS ENORMOUS?
oh. my.god. an E. an E and E. My boobs are going to keep growing and the eat my face and people will think I’m a two headed monster with a tiny hat on and that tiny hat will actually be my real head.

Let’s revisit the point I made early on in this post. I’m 5’2’’ and 110lbs with E boobs. And I was all, hmm I wonder why all the boys have been staring lately. I wonder why the guy at Panera asked me where I got my shirt?

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

*Note to small boobed girls. I don’t want to hear it.
Sympathy only please.

xoxo
E.

PS I’m getting the ultrasound as we speak. Or as you read. I will let you know the results tomorrow. Although I’m not sure why I am even bothering. The final results of the vote were 64 to 30: BOY. And this will forever determine my level of trust in internet strangers.

PPS I actually am now paying real live money to have a P.O Box.  So I hope you send me some 1) weird shit I can talk about on the blog 2) but not too weird that I get arrested for having it shipped to me 3) Something Planky can actually use. I will have this address linked in the “pay me” section up top.

MODG Blog PO Box 55 Phoenixville, PA 19460

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POSTED IN: breastfeeding,I hate everyone,Not Pleased,pregnant stuff

{ 47 comments }

Vicki August 2, 2010 at 8:40 am

Did you know Forver 21 is coming out with a maternity line? It’s called, like, Love 21 or something. Whether you love it after trying to get into it with your EEEEnormous boobs remains to be seen.

Mandy August 2, 2010 at 8:45 am

I have teeny tiny boobies. Like less than zero. I GREW to a B cup while pregnant and breastfeeding. Then shrunk back to smaller than before.

As much as I would love to give you sympathy right now, I’m just not gonna. And now I’m backing away, slowly, from the computer before you throw something at me through cyber space!

Can’t wait to hear your ultrasound results…!!!

Lluvia August 2, 2010 at 8:49 am

whoah! E!!!

I remember the lactating lady telling me to not let my big ones suffocate the baby while breastfeeding! LOL!

Amy August 2, 2010 at 9:03 am

Holy crap I bet your back is killing you with those EEEnormous knockers! Carrying everything up front like that I’m sure that B is waiting for you to just topple forward. Just wait until your milk comes in, you’ll want to cut them off.

Andrea August 2, 2010 at 9:05 am

As soon as you told us you were pregnant I thought of the oil cleanse and and those pictures and everyone commenting on your boobs, I was wondering (not then, but now) if those were pregnancy boobs! haha
PS. Can’t you tell us what plankton is tonight?!?! PLEASE! we are dying here!

Birdie August 2, 2010 at 9:16 am

I wore a tankini that quickly turned into a bikini my entire pregnancy. That and a stretchy pull-on terry cloth dress that was thread bare by the time I brought Peanut into this world. It was hot.

janina August 2, 2010 at 9:26 am

I remember brar shopping with my mom when it was time to go get a bigger one. I went to JC Penney (because I am uber lame like that) who also didn’t have a boob measurer person I might add. I remember literally CRYING because every bra I brought in with me was TOO SMALL. When my mom came back with the one that did fit, a double D, I was like “are you kidding me right now”. And at the time I was about halfway through my pregnancy so I figured I was screwed.

And no, they didn’t got ALL the way back down to normal once I had the baby and finished nursing her.

I still mourn my old boobs.
Can’t wait to hear the results of your sonogram!!!!

Xoxo
Janina

Shandal August 2, 2010 at 9:36 am

I guess the bright side is that B has some new toys to play with… Yay for B!

Cathy August 2, 2010 at 9:47 am

I remember that cleanse post and I remember thinking “DAMN. Girl’s got some giant knockers.” Now I know why. Good luck with that who bra thing.

Cathy August 2, 2010 at 9:48 am

That’s “whole” bra thing. Not “who”. I doubt those tarts in Whoville even wear bras.

Gini August 2, 2010 at 10:01 am

OMG!!!!!! I am little too (actually 5’2″ and 125 because I overeat like crazy holy crap I need to lose ten lbs) and I would NEVER. EVER. want to be an E CUP. That’s like, size pup tent. Mad sympathy for your poor back holding up those giant tatties. I hope you got some good strong brars.

Melanie August 2, 2010 at 10:15 am

Pee in the Pot is EXACTLY what I called that horrid store when I was pregnant. Or Pee in My Face. I would go straight for the sale rack, except for my shower outfits, because I am not paying 3 billion dollars for something I can wear for about 2 months. Motherhood is okay, for your BASIC stuff. Hey, Heidi Klum loves it! Now, your boobs will go back to normal so live it up and feel blessed that you are one of those skinny, tiny girls with HUGE bubbies. The rest of us hate you, so throw on your LITERAL over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder and hush and show some cleavage. In a few months you’ll feel like those things are all you have going for you.

And boys rock. Just saying.

Lacey August 2, 2010 at 10:15 am

I’m 5’2, and currently a D. What does this mean for me when I’m preg?? What’s after E!!??! So scared, keep it real MODG!!

liz August 2, 2010 at 10:18 am

I feel your pain. I am now an F/G at 8 months with no signs of slowing down (what the F is going to happen when the milk comes?!) No one even notices I’m pregnant because they are too busy with the boobs. I have come to realize that being pregnant is not actually very fun……….but you made me laugh about it so THANKS!!

BreaghaMarie August 2, 2010 at 10:20 am

I’m 5-3 105 (super petite). My boobs are not big but not small. I already have problems finding clothes cause my boobs are medium but the rest of me is xs haha. I cannot imagine having size E. I think I would seriously topple over. I’m liking your prego posts cause I’m like, “Hmm, if Amanda is small and this, this, and this happens…maybe that is how it will be for me too.” Probably not. But maybe :)

MissCaron August 2, 2010 at 10:22 am

POBRECITA!

OMG… I’m 5’2″ and 113 lbs and I’m already a size D… Already not cool and much to big despite what I’ve been told by those of the opposite gender (and really for that matter some people of the same gender). SO, point being they get in the way and hurt my back already and I’m super scared to get preggo and have them grow more enormous! ARGH. Please, make sure you keep us (me) posted on how you’re coping over the course of this pregnancy and boobus ginormous you’re experiencing… including tips and tricks, por favor.

Gracias!

Teisha August 2, 2010 at 10:26 am

A friend of mine has gigantic bubbies and they grew to epic proportions while she was pregnant and nursing, but, after all that jazz was said and done not only did they shrink down to prepreg size they got even smaller, which in her case was like winning the lottery. Soooo, moral of the story is, they will shrink back down and with a good bra they will look fabulous as evuh!

andrealeal00 August 2, 2010 at 11:00 am

So does this mean you are planning on nursing? I mean, since you have giant milk factories and all? If you are can I recommend THE best nursing pillow evah? Its called My Breast Friend. I am not joking. That is what it is called. And it really is your breastest friend ever. You will be like “hey, nursing pillow ! we are breast friends 4ever” and “K.I.T.” and “Stay sweet”. It is the single most awesome nursing pillow in existence today. check it: http://www.mybrestfriend.com/

Beckles August 2, 2010 at 11:14 am

Do you think if we addressed stuff to go to “Peeville” instead of “Phoenixville” it would get there? Because I really think it’s much more appropriate. And I always refer to Phoenixville as P-ville.

PeaceLoveTerri August 2, 2010 at 11:27 am

Pee in the Pod is wayyyy too expensive!
Do you have a Motherhood Maternity near you? They have stylish clothes at very reasonable prices. Target does as well. And they too sell maternity bras.

Just a little tip. I planned on nursing my babies once they were born. So, just like when you’re pregnant, when you have the baby and are nursing (and not) you’re boobs will fluctuate in size. So while I was preggers, buying a bazillion bras for my ever changing size, I bought all NURSING bras. That way they could be used before and after and I wouldn’t be spending double the money.

PeaceLoveTerri August 2, 2010 at 11:29 am

PS. And don’t listen to those arsholes… your boobs will NEVER go back to normal or be the same EVER.AGAIN!!

Meagan@Megs7827 August 2, 2010 at 11:40 am

Ok, I have been wondering if you were pregnant in those pictures where everyone was obsessed with your huge boobs! Thanks for answering that question. I guess I can try to control my zit take over until Christmas. But once that kiddo is outta there you need to do lots of tests and tell us the best product! I still say girl!

Kate August 2, 2010 at 11:57 am

LOL…I am 5’4″ and have always had more than enough boob then went from a G to an H when pregnant and have to shop at a specialty bra shop to find bras that fit. Three years later still in a H cup despite loosing baby weight long ago. And PeaceLoveTerri is right, they will never go back to being the same again no matter what someone tells you.

Norma August 2, 2010 at 12:06 pm

E?! I’m going to be like J!!!!!!!!!!!! =( Your blog has become my birth control

Becky Mochaface August 2, 2010 at 12:18 pm

If you’re an E, I shudder to think the size of my boobs when I get pregnant. G Cup will no longer be just a nickname I’m afraid.

Renee August 2, 2010 at 12:24 pm

Oh sweetie, just wait till your milk comes in (assuming your breast feeding). You’ll be porn star material.
So much great writing material on the way. Can’t wait!

Renee August 2, 2010 at 12:25 pm

Oh, by the way, GAP Maternity. Live it, Love it, Wear it!

Vodka Logic August 2, 2010 at 12:33 pm

But they go back to normal… sort of.. just a bit flappier. Yes flappier not flabbier…. believe me. Good luck with the brar

Callie August 2, 2010 at 12:39 pm

The issue of boobs is a sore note with me. I was a full C and perky boobed babe before having my babies… and after nursing I am now barely a B with saggy boobs! :( I told my hubby after we are done having kids he better have money in the account for a boob job! lol.

Enjoy the big boob awesomeness while you’ve got it! ;)

Lisa August 2, 2010 at 1:01 pm

I concur with Andrealea100 that My Breast Friend is the best – my sister has a boppy and a breast friend and she prefers the BF.

Hopefully B is having fun with your new knockers. Can’t wait to hear that it’s a boy!

Veronica August 2, 2010 at 1:23 pm

I see some tiny ladies refused to give you sympathy. That is ree-dic.

I will say, I am soo sooo soooooo sorry. I know what you mean and what your life is like right now. And to all the small girls — her boobs will only get BIGGER when the milk comes in. Have some compassion! Those titties are likely to make her topple over.

Big Sis August 2, 2010 at 2:00 pm

Oh yeah, just wait until your milk comes in. You might topple over.

Luz August 2, 2010 at 2:44 pm

Wow, I’m sorry. I’m barely 5′ and was a small B when I got pregnant. They grew to a D and stayed there. But the sad part is that I don’t look like I could be a D at all. It’s so weird.

Peg August 2, 2010 at 3:14 pm

Fuck!! I’m 4’11 and 95 lbs and already a D. When I’m pregnant I’m going to look like a cartoon character, and after I’m pregnant I’m going to be able to wear them as a scarf. FML

Tami August 2, 2010 at 3:26 pm

Wait until you’re done being pregnant and done breastfeeding…you’ll be able to tuck those suckers into your pants! Just sayin. Oh wait, you were looking for sympathy? Sorry, I got nothin.

Chrystal August 2, 2010 at 4:15 pm

I remeber the E days, I almost had a heart attack. I was like, WTF is a E. And when you get your milk in, they bust out of that. Enjoy :)

Sara August 2, 2010 at 4:58 pm

Son of a cheese grater!

I, too, am small in stature and large of boob. I fear the fetus.

I’ll say a prayer for your nipples.

tricia August 2, 2010 at 5:11 pm

I speak from experience here, so you should listen to me. Enjoy those boobies while they last. Take pictures. Dress like a pregnant hooker. Because sometimes mean, horrible things happen like having your once size D boobs (E while preggers) shrink down to Bs after you have your baby. While I do actually enjoy having smaller boobs, I don’t enjoy the shriveled, empty bag look. Little, sad bags with giant saucer nipples. My husband is so lucky.

Karena August 2, 2010 at 7:31 pm

You have zero sympathy from me. Except for that my small little B’s went to a full C when I was preggers and breastfeeding. now I’m back down to a B on the left and probably an A and a half on the right. So yeah, no sympathy except that when you get about 8 months your bra is gonna hurt so bad and THEN I will have massive sympathy. And you look hot. And if I can I will send weird sh*t.

Lil' Woman August 2, 2010 at 8:13 pm

HOLY FREAKIN’ BOOBIES!! Your effing back must be killing you, bless your heart.

Lane August 3, 2010 at 12:00 am

Don’t worry Modg,

I’m 5’2” weighing 112lbs and an E-Cup. A 32 E to be exact and I’m not even pregnant.

I do however, want a hover round to support my boobs.

TheRandomBlogette August 3, 2010 at 8:18 am

I went through the same thing when I was pregnant. I was 110lbs and 5’2 with E boobs. It was insane. Good luck with the boobage. Once the belly starts popping out you pretty much feel like you are going to fall over. So with that in mind you can do the pregnant walk….Back arched with hand on the small of your back so that you can attempt to balance the E boobies and the baby belly.

Shandal August 3, 2010 at 10:15 am

This ended up being a boob confession post. I feel like I know everyone so much better.

Katharine August 3, 2010 at 4:23 pm

110 pounds? Eat me. I’m 117 and can’t get down to 110……but you’re still cute…and maybe I can wear your prego clothes now…since i’m HUGE.

Baby Boy Plankton…where is that PO Box?

Sarah RDH August 4, 2010 at 8:17 am

I got to an H. I totally believe you, it’s horrendous. Just wait until you stop breastfeeding (I think you said you were, correct?) and you have to dry that shit up. HA. I was spilled out of that H so much, I had a major double, painful boob thing going on, and it hurt so bad I used my abdominal binder as a boob binder and was still in pain. Hello, mastitis- YOU SUCK. 9 horrible days. 9. I almost died. Like really.

ashely October 8, 2010 at 12:49 am

Ya sorry no sym here. 5’1″ was a 32 B….stayed that size while pregnant. Got to a 32 C while breast feeding…..2 days after having him was, I don’t even know…..never though I’d see my boobies that big ever. Now I am back to a b on the right and a bit smaller on the left. FML. Good thing my husband is an ass man. point is boobs are boobs, big or small, perky or depleated chimpanzee boobs…..they are your boobs so just love them

A May 27, 2011 at 10:55 am

I’m a new modger. So naturally, like any obsessive fan, I had to start reading at the beginning of your blog (I am addicted). Which is good for me, because sometimes (all the time) my work is boring. Anyway, I’m slowly making my way though the last 2 years. And E? Don’t want to hear it. I’m an E in real life not even pregnant. Correct you are, I have elephantitis without any baby or babies. When I get preggers, I’m going to have an H for Herculean. sickvomit.

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