knocked up

GPS: Did you know that before you can be pregnant you have to earn points? Vaginas are carnival games.

July 19, 2010

I bet you didn’t know that the internet knows when you are pregnant before you do. It does. Which means that like The Captain of the Internet is sitting there like twiddling his fingers in an evil way just knowing that you’re about to get real fat and real bitchy real fast. By the way, I SO want to be Captain of the Internet. Please vote for me. So after months of charting whatever I maybe could figure out of my period rhombus and my vagina juices and my moods and my gas and my boob pain and my pee hole stuff, I was given this glimpse into my future. Except it’s like so ambiguous that you’re like, seriously internet? JUST TELL ME STRAIGHT UP. So welcome to hours upon hours upon work days that I spent staring and analyzing my chart.

And I was so distracted and distraught and hormonal that I wrote this lie post. Could I have been more dramatic?

April 9th, 2010

Let me break down the past 6 days for you since ovulation. I got to and STARE at the chart and information they give me. It doesn’t tell me anything new. But I’m convinced, that if I keep staring and clicking buttons, that it will say, SORRY FOR HOLDING OUT ON YOU AMANDA, YOU ARE PREGNANT AND YOU DON’T NEED PEE SCIENCE TO EVEN FIGURE IT OUT! YAY FOR YOU!

ok because this was made for geniuses, let me help you out. The red line is where the internet thinks I ovulated. Anything that happens after that is analyzed for baby signs. There's some other stuff you can see on this chart too but you can figure that out on your own.

This doesn’t happen. However, they have some dangerous little tools. Like you enter all the things you’re feeling, like hurty boobs, bad mood, peeing a lot, super sleepy and it does some magic math and it’s like, we compared your chart and your symptoms to other women’s chart who ended up getting preg and you are like pretty much probably pregnant. And then I freak out.

And then I’m like, well what IF I had this symptom and it’s like, OH you didn’t say you had THAT symptom, now you’re really probably pregnant. So then I spend the next 24 hours searching for creamy cervical fluid because that means baby! And then I don’t even really know what my symptoms anymore. Oh and it gets worse

Fertlityfrenemy has like points you earn the  more preg it thinks you are. And I’m like, I MUST EARN MORE POINTS. Then it will even create some sort of scale showing you if you are a success or failure at life.

Here you learn that things like creamy vagina fluid means probably preg. Also the green dots are sexy days.


Then when I can’t enter anymore signs or change any fake symptoms. I just stare. All day I stare.  DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO  NOT TAKE A PREGNANCY TEST? I don’t have this kind of patience. But I know if it’s a false negative, my world will turn into an insane clown posse.  Oh B is kind of freaking out too. I think he’s excited. That makes me happy.

Oh I think I need to add mood swings today. I wrote a super sad and depressing post. What is wrong with me. Hormones?

You’re definitely going to want to check back in at 3 for a big post. Promise.

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  • Stephanie July 19, 2010 at 8:39 am

    Awesome. :) I love that I am reading this already knowing that you are pregs. It makes it that much funnier to see your crazy thought processes. :) Can’t wait for 3 o’clock!

  • Mandy July 19, 2010 at 9:19 am

    Oh dear MODG… as a fellow sad sack fertilityfriend tragic, I totally sympathise and understand your pain at that point. It’s crazy. But fertilityfrenemy got me 2 babies, so yah. It also made me stoopid crazy, analytical bitch from hell.

    I won’t share my chart(s) coz you’ll see how obsessed I was. And that could be embarrassing… Wait, the internets already know how crazy I was…

  • KMW July 19, 2010 at 9:22 am

    Well MODG, I followed your lead and analyzed all the signs this month – I’m going through exactly what you went through but at the same time as you’re posting your experience online – freaky right?

    Then yesterday I broke the rules. I took a test BEFORE my period date – I just couldn’t wait any longer. And… and… FAINT PINK SECOND LINE! I really didn’t know what to think. Shocked. What I wanted but honestly I totally expected that bastard single pink line.

    Doc needs to confirm everything tomorrow afternoon but until then, I’m enjoying your posts even more now that I can TOTALLY relate to them :) Thanks so much for being so open to the internets to share all your experience so that the rest of us know that we’re totally normal.

  • Shandal July 19, 2010 at 9:59 am

    Holy crap you are freaking crazy! I’m surprised you were even able to get pregnant with the amount of stress you put yourself through! Whew! Lucky you! :)

  • Jenny July 19, 2010 at 11:17 am

    Just so you know…’re crazy.

    Also, you’re probably my favoritest person on the internet. ever. I wanna be your real life friend more than you know- and babysit your future MODG baby even MORE. Call me. (lol)

    Also, you should probably just reference me in future blogs if you ever talk about your Kelly Clarkson rendition in the snow, falling over the snow couch (WTF) all while wearing your glittery cardigan. It makes my life.

  • Naomi July 19, 2010 at 11:33 am

    Ahh this makes me so excited! lol I already know you’re preggers, but reading about it, step by step, is awesome! Can’t wait for the next post!

  • krista July 19, 2010 at 11:45 am

    i was using fertilityfucktard and on secondary symptoms it was like intercourse: and you had the options am, pm, iui, both. and i was like well i had sex in the am and pm. so both. then fertilityfucktard was like well why arent you posting more about your cervix?you had an iui. and i was like no.. didnt happen. whoops.

  • Becky Mochaface July 19, 2010 at 12:13 pm

    yeah so those charts are definitely made for geniuses. No idea what they eff they’re saying.

  • jimaie.marie July 19, 2010 at 3:53 pm

    i’m so pissed at Fertility Frenemy today…it has changed my ovulation date twice this cycle. WTF. I’m pretty sure those charts were made solely for us to obsess over and stare at 24/7 and I hate them for that.
    Also? HOLY MOLY there was a crapton of sexy time going on in your house for a couple weeks! B is a champ!

  • At least I'm skinny July 20, 2010 at 1:18 am

    This is the most confusing thing i’ve ever seen. It almost makes me want to just be trashy and get knocked up.

  • Desiree July 20, 2010 at 7:08 pm

    I fear this is my fate when we try to get prego…le sigh

  • TheRandomBlogette July 21, 2010 at 4:15 pm

    I took several pregnancy tests and also bought the ovulation detectors. I went a little insane about it. The hurting boobies were my first sign that I was pregnant. I even went to the doctor though and he did the whole vaginal exam 2 days before I found out I was pregnant and he told me that I would be starting my period any day now. How did he not know that I was pregnant? I even took a pee test there too! Stupid man doctor!