I bet you didn’t know that the internet knows when you are pregnant before you do. It does. Which means that like The Captain of the Internet is sitting there like twiddling his fingers in an evil way just knowing that you’re about to get real fat and real bitchy real fast. By the way, I SO want to be Captain of the Internet. Please vote for me. So after months of charting whatever I maybe could figure out of my period rhombus and my vagina juices and my moods and my gas and my boob pain and my pee hole stuff, I was given this glimpse into my future. Except it’s like so ambiguous that you’re like, seriously internet? JUST TELL ME STRAIGHT UP. So welcome to hours upon hours upon work days that I spent staring and analyzing my chart.
And I was so distracted and distraught and hormonal that I wrote this lie post. Could I have been more dramatic?
April 9th, 2010
Let me break down the past 6 days for you since ovulation. I got to fertlityfrenemy.com and STARE at the chart and information they give me. It doesn’t tell me anything new. But I’m convinced, that if I keep staring and clicking buttons, that it will say, SORRY FOR HOLDING OUT ON YOU AMANDA, YOU ARE PREGNANT AND YOU DON’T NEED PEE SCIENCE TO EVEN FIGURE IT OUT! YAY FOR YOU!
This doesn’t happen. However, they have some dangerous little tools. Like you enter all the things you’re feeling, like hurty boobs, bad mood, peeing a lot, super sleepy and it does some magic math and it’s like, we compared your chart and your symptoms to other women’s chart who ended up getting preg and you are like pretty much probably pregnant. And then I freak out.
And then I’m like, well what IF I had this symptom and it’s like, OH you didn’t say you had THAT symptom, now you’re really probably pregnant. So then I spend the next 24 hours searching for creamy cervical fluid because that means baby! And then I don’t even really know what my symptoms anymore. Oh and it gets worse
Fertlityfrenemy has like points you earn the more preg it thinks you are. And I’m like, I MUST EARN MORE POINTS. Then it will even create some sort of scale showing you if you are a success or failure at life.
Then when I can’t enter anymore signs or change any fake symptoms. I just stare. All day I stare. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO NOT TAKE A PREGNANCY TEST? I don’t have this kind of patience. But I know if it’s a false negative, my world will turn into an insane clown posse. Oh B is kind of freaking out too. I think he’s excited. That makes me happy.
Oh I think I need to add mood swings today. I wrote a super sad and depressing post. What is wrong with me. Hormones?
You’re definitely going to want to check back in at 3 for a big post. Promise.