But you’re lucky I’m in a happy place today.
So I’m going to do you a favor and get this out of the way for you. Then we can move on with the news like civilized rational non-make-me-punch-you adults. So this is me, being you:
“I knew it! I’m so smart and my smartness is better than your news”
“You lied to me! I feel betrayed and will never be able to trust internet strangers again”
“I totally knew it all along and I’m so not surprised so this post now warrants none of my attention”
“I knew it. I knew it. I’m so good at knowing. I knew it. Knew it.”
Ok? Are we cool now? I get it. You knew it. But here’s what I’m going to tell you and you can choke on it. This news wasn’t meant for the internet first. You could know it all you want but there are real dramatic serious Discovery Health type vagina reasons why people don’t tell the internet before institutions like family and face friends not on a face book. So I hope you can forgive me and understand why I went about this the way I did. And to make it up for you I have a huge ADDITIONAL surprise that I think you’ll love and will make us even steven. Keep reading.
Since you probably skipped all that bullshit I just threwup in your mouth and scrolled down to the picture. Here we are. And I don’t mean me and you. I mean me and my 4 month old fetus: Plankton. Yes internet psychic bitches who know everything, I’m pregnant. We’re pregnant. And despite the wild 2010 I had, it’s B’s baby. And we’re beyond excited. And I won’t say over the moon because that’s stupid and I don’t even know what it means. Plankton is the little mini MODG who we are expecting on Dec 22nd and I’m like 110000% sure it will actually be Dec25th because I’m obviously birthing the next Jesus. You’ll hear a lot about Planky over the next few months. No, we’re not actually naming the child Plankton, that’s just his pre-birth name. Like how Demi Moore used to be Demetria Gene Guynes (google it). No I’m not telling you the real names so don’t ask… you leaches of information.
So I’ve anticipated the questions you probably have and I’m ready with answers for you:
MODG. Seriously, why did you leave us hanging and stop blogging? That was the rudeness:
So this was never my plan. I never wanted a break in blogging. I thought I could keep talking about bullshit like toilets and shoes and Suri. But the strangest thing happened. It was like the internet fairy of truth put a pox on me because I just couldn’t write. I couldn’t write about anything. Nothing. I would try to write about B being rude and stealing my secret candy or something and it would end up looking like blahblahalalalhorriblestupidhateit. And then it was clear to me. The mild success I’ve had with this blog and building a following has been my honesty. It’s who I am, farts, vaginas and all. And the second I started censoring my writing, it went to shit. And if even for a second I was honest about my life like smelling crazy shit or having giant boobs or eating white trash foods, you all called me out and I had to end it before my iMac and brain exploded.
MODG, is this going to turn into a baby blog? Because I’m not interested in that business.
This blog is what it always has been. Crap. And it will keep being total crap, also what I call my life. I’ve just always wrote about my life and what is big and hot. Sometimes it’s shoes. Sometimes it’s blue hair. Right now it’s Plankton. So you’ll hear about it and you’ll love it.
But wait, so we missed out on FOUR months of pregnancy drama from you? We missed out on some good shit???
No you actually missed out on FIVE months because there was a whole thing with convincing B that we should reproduce. But here’s the best news of your life. I mean seriously. Besides puking, staring at my black hole saucer nipples, not pooping like ever and eating grilled cheese for a straight 3 months…I’VE BEEN KEEPING A SECRET FILE OF PREGNANCY SPECIALS. I’ve been writing since the very beginning about all this business with the intent to publish it here, on MODG, for all of you, day by day. (Just a little after the fact). I couldn’t let you miss out on the case of ovulation sticks I ordered, the addiction to peeing on things that I developed or the discovery that my breasts are now a size E. For Elephantitis.
And now, just so you’re STILL not pissed off that I lied straight to your face for months and months. Here is a video of me crying. And I’m not wearing makeup. And it’s the first time you’re seeing me live. And I don’t even give a shit because I have bigger problems these days.
We’ll start at the very beginning tomorrow and find out exactly how I got knocked up. Ok not EXACTLY how. But pretty damn close. Other highlights will include my disgusting decision about the placenta, trying to get the hippies to let me in their baby world, midwife action and details from my internet doula. Enjoy and get ready for the shit show.