Do you watch Lost? No? Do you want to punch everyone who does? Yes? Well thank god you know me because I’m here to make it all real simple like for you and break 6 years of mystery down for you into an easy to follow guide. And then you can be all cool with your friends and be like, yeah I know Lost AND I have 6 years of my life that you don’t. Win win for you.
Once there was a crazy ass islandy place that no one could find ever and it was guarded by mysterious things and if you did the wrong shit or said the wrong shit, lasers would shoot at you and burn you alive or sonar waves would explode your head or something. You need to watch your step.
So a whole lot of shit goes down. Animals get wild, lights flash, shit moves through space and time. Usual mystery island stuff. Then it gets real. And this chick is all, your stupid life doesn’t matter you just have to protect this light. I don’t know how you’re going to do it but you have to figure it out and just protect a light. And you’re all…the F?
Then the protector gets mad. He’s like, always mad and then yells about it. Then stabs things or people or bears. And everyone is like, dude you better get it together like NOW because you have to protect this place and if you don’t we’re all going to die by head explosions.
So the protector is like. F it. I quit and I need some solid advice. So I’m going to ask the largest person I know what to do.
Then after you believe in fairies and imagination and after the island almost falls into the ocean you fly away on your monster and go to safety. Ok here’s where we differ. If the lost people were SMART, they would tame that goddamn smoke monster and ride it off into the sunset like Sebastian. Instead everyone is dead anyway and I probably would have rathered some sonar time travel head explosions than bible study at the church. All Jack had to do was say I BELIEVE.
Rhymes that keep their secrets will unfold behind the clouds . ..
Never ending story
never ending story
never ending story . . .
Your TV genius