I'm funny

Dear LOST, I saw that already when it was called The Neverending Story.

May 24, 2010

Do you watch Lost? No? Do you want to punch everyone who does? Yes? Well thank god you know me because I’m here to make it all real simple like for you and break 6 years of mystery down for you into an easy to follow guide.  And then you can be all cool with your friends and be like, yeah I know Lost AND I have 6 years of my life that you don’t. Win win for you.

Once there was a crazy ass islandy place that no one could find ever and it was guarded by mysterious things and if you did the wrong shit or said the wrong shit, lasers would shoot at you and burn you alive or sonar waves would explode your head or something. You need to watch your step.

So a whole lot of shit goes down. Animals get wild, lights flash, shit moves through space and time. Usual mystery island stuff. Then it gets real. And this chick is all, your stupid life doesn’t matter you just have to protect this light. I don’t know how you’re going to do it but you have to figure it out and just protect a light. And you’re all…the F?

Then the protector gets mad. He’s like, always mad and then yells about it. Then stabs things or people or bears. And everyone is like, dude you better get it together like NOW because you have to protect this place and if you don’t we’re all going to die by head explosions.

So the protector is like. F it. I quit and I need some solid advice. So I’m going to ask the largest person I know what to do.

Then after you believe in fairies and imagination and after the island almost falls into the ocean you fly away on your monster and go to safety. Ok here’s where we differ. If the lost people were SMART, they would tame that goddamn smoke monster and ride it off into the sunset like Sebastian. Instead everyone is dead anyway and I probably would have rathered some sonar time travel head explosions than bible study at the church. All Jack had to do was say I BELIEVE.

Rhymes that keep their secrets will unfold behind the clouds . ..
Never ending story
never ending story
never ending story . . .



Your TV genius


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  • Becky Mochaface May 24, 2010 at 4:33 pm

    I’ve got a Lost hangover that no amount of advil and fried food will cure. Sigh. It’s over.

  • TheRandomBlogette May 24, 2010 at 4:34 pm

    I tried to watch LOST but it made my head want to explode so I stopped watching it. Thanks MODG for breaking it down for me. Now I know my decision was correct!

  • Rachel May 24, 2010 at 4:37 pm

    Let’s not even talk about the LOST letdown. I am sleep deprived and not happy about it. Stupid Jimmy Kimmel.

  • sammy May 24, 2010 at 4:39 pm

    i havent seen a single second of the show and i was lost from the jump.

    i mean even with evangeline lilly, i STILL couldnt vibe with the show. if you would have wrote a commentary for each show, beginning in season 1, i still wouldnt have watched…..but i WOULD tune into your genius breakdowns regularly.

  • Renee May 24, 2010 at 4:41 pm

    I’m only frustrated because we ALL had the same theory when the show started and they were all, “Nooooo, your wrong, that’s not what’s going on”….and then to find they lied to us. I don’t dig it. Then again, maybe they didn’t know they were dead either and just took all of our suggestions to heart and in that case, ripped off our idea! That’s even more no bueno!
    Anyway, my tv schedule now has a very sad hole in it…holes….wholes…didn’t you do that blog post already?

  • Kelly @Dare to be Domestic May 24, 2010 at 4:43 pm

    I’ve become really good at trusting my instincts on TV shows I KNOW will blow (IMO) I’m so thankful my B.S. meter was in full effect when this show came out and I had NO desire to watch it. The only shows I want to watch about islands are Survivor (although I’ve never watched it), Gilligan’s Island and Fantasy Island. Otherwise I have no desire to watch stuff about islands. (Also I would like to add the Brady Bunch Hawaiian Adventure episodes to this list).

    I’m proud to say I’m not into lost – and I love this comparison you’ve done!!! I :big ole’ heart: The Never Ending Story. I always wanted my own Falcor! Although he looks more like a cocker spaniel to me vs. a dragon.

  • Sarah RDH May 24, 2010 at 4:55 pm

    I’ve never watched Lost, didn’t really care to. So everyone was really dead the whole time?? Is that what you’re telling me? Stupid.

    I did cry when The O.C. ended though. (I know you did too.)

  • Amanda May 24, 2010 at 4:57 pm

    I love this and I love you even more for it. Also, last night I was organizing my DVD drawer and discovered that at some point in my life I decided to purchase The Neverending Story 1 & 2 on DVD. I cannot for the life of me remember why, but it was probably on sale at Target. I buy all kinds of things there that I can’t remember why a year later…

  • Brown Girl May 24, 2010 at 4:59 pm

    This post was pure greatness.

    That is all.

  • michelle May 24, 2010 at 4:59 pm

    the never ending story…the BEST movie EVER! now i’ve got the song stuck in my head. i tried watchign the series finale last night (LOST) but b/c i hadn’t watch it AT ALL before i was totally LOST. nuff said, i flipped the channel and watched McGyver Mybusters.

    i always wished i could be the emperess. i would put necklaces on my head. and Falkor was the COOLEST dog EVER!

    (i’m a looser)

  • jb May 24, 2010 at 5:12 pm

    i have never seen Lost nor The NeverEnding Story.

    i feel okay about that.

  • Carol{EverydayDelights} May 24, 2010 at 5:20 pm

    This post makes me want to watch The Neverending Story again!

  • AuntBT May 24, 2010 at 5:43 pm

    Ok, this is everything I needed to know about Lost. Everyone in my office is obsessed, and it’s all I’ve heard about today. I just told them all I now know everything about Lost because of you. Be proud. They think it’s silly, I know it’s just pure brilliance. Now if I can just find my copy of The Neverending Story . . .

  • Jessica May 24, 2010 at 6:00 pm

    Lost can suck my nuts. I still don’t see how anyone could’ve been satisfied with that ending.

  • Paula May 24, 2010 at 6:06 pm

    I googled the ending this morning because I’m two seasons behind at the moment and too impatient to buy the dvds to catch up, but I could just have waited and read your take on it instead. It made FAR More sense. For reals.

  • Vic May 24, 2010 at 6:19 pm

    Sometimes in this post I couldn’t tell if the photo was from Lost or the Neverending Story. And I watched the Neverending Story en español every semester for 4 years, SO. Lost is dumb. You’ve all been punished. Sorry, it’s true.

  • MODG May 24, 2010 at 8:15 pm

    So, I’m going to go ahead and STRONGLY urge you to watch the Neverending Story if you have not. I have been told its available on Netflix. Spanish is a bonus Vic.

    I’m going to go ahead and let you skip Lost. Especially since I just gave you a really good recap of 6 years. So you basically are all set on that.

  • Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts May 24, 2010 at 8:23 pm

    I have never seen one episode of Lost and know I feel I missed out. Hmmmmmm lol

  • FabuLeslie May 24, 2010 at 9:15 pm

    I am exactly the person of whom you speak. Haven’t seen Lost more than once, and never watched it again. Thanks for unraveling the mystery for me. Now I need to go watch Twin Peaks or something.

  • Kass May 25, 2010 at 7:55 am

    You saved me a lot of time. Now I don’t have to rent it. Thanks.

  • rachel May 25, 2010 at 11:25 am

    1. love the neverending story. and the neverending story II. which one has the guy from ladybugs? i don’t care. love them both.

    2. uh, those of you pissed or disappointed or confused at the ending of LOST – you realize that they were NOT dead all along, right? might want to check out the last 15 minutes or so, taking care to listen to everything christian shephard had to say. they survived the plane crash. everything on the island was real. it was the ALT that was showing them after-death.

    the time they spent together on the island and off was the most important of their lives, so their collective love and longing to be with each other again is what created the ALT version of los angeles that we saw during season 6. when someone died, whenever that was in their life, they transitioned to the ALT and “waited” for everyone else (even though they didn’t know they were waiting – that’s what desmond was doing… waking them up). when jack got there, they were all ready to go, so they “moved on” into the afterlife together.

    i thought it was majorly brilliant. most well-developed characters in the history of television, and that’s what it was about. the characters. not the mysteries.

    srsly though, i don’t know which i love more – the comparison of jack to atreyu or the hurley/rock man thing.

  • Krista May 25, 2010 at 12:14 pm

    Well that just about clears it all up, now doesn’t it? Thank you.

  • my favorite and my best May 25, 2010 at 1:06 pm

    i punched lost in the nuts last night. i raped jack with the smoke monster. i pooped on hurley. i super murdered kate and juliet with knives. i pushed sawyer off of a cliff after i ran over him with the scooby doo van (but not before i had awesome sex with him). blah blah everyone sucks.
    i have watched every episode ever and by season 2 i was pretty sure these fuckers were dead and just in purgatory or wherever and trying to get to heaven so why in the fuck am i not getting paid millions of dollars to write a hit tv show? fuck you lost. where was walt and his son? what happened to jack’s son? why did sun and jin die twice? or was it 3 times? fuck you lost. why didn’t ben go into the church? who was widmore then? hate.

  • Me May 25, 2010 at 7:02 pm

    Uhhh… did any of you people actually pay attention to the last episode of Lost?

    They weren’t dead and in purgatory the whole time. Purgatory was the flash-sideways, where they were all waiting to find each other before going into heaven. They survived the plane crash and everything on the island actually happened.

    Read Rachel’s post above (not the first Rachel, she’s an idiot… the second one)

  • Sara May 25, 2010 at 10:17 pm

    Is that not what happened?

  • sarah May 25, 2010 at 11:18 pm

    I do not believe in Lost. I feel like between OnStar and Dateline and 20/20 those people would have been found on mystery magic island. Especially if there was a SmokeMonster. Lost is dumb.

  • beaux May 25, 2010 at 11:36 pm

    That’s what happens when you refuse to let go.

  • Chrystal May 26, 2010 at 12:02 am

    Um friend, I NEVER watched even ONE episode. Not even a few seconds.

  • janina May 26, 2010 at 11:25 am

    OMG, flying the smoke monster off into the sunset… I just pissed in my Dharma pants.

    P.S. That’s a fucking great JackFace pic!!!!

  • Amanda May 26, 2010 at 9:03 pm

    I just went on Wikipedia and read about the whole damn thing in about 15 minutes…I was all…take that LOST people…I just saved myself 6 years.

    You need to write this FOR wikipedia!!!

  • Karena May 27, 2010 at 4:13 pm

    Whew! Just saved me 6 years. Thanks Rachel, that eems to make more sense, even though I’ve only ever heard recaps of this show on radio programs and it all sounds like the writers were on acid, shrooms, AND PCP when they wrote this show.

  • Jeremy Weaver July 12, 2010 at 3:34 am

    I see a lot of you saying you saved yourselves 6 years… of what? Just knowing the basic storyline isn’t the same as knowing the characters, seeing them develop and grow together. LOST was never about what happened, but about the people it was happening to.

    I’m sorry if you couldn’t keep up with the complicated story (was it really all that difficult though?), but you really missed out on a series with some of the most memorable and relatable characters since Buffy. All I’m suggesting is you try to watch the first 2-3 seasons of LOST (they’re even on Netflix instant play!) and really try to get into the characters. If you do, you won’t regret it.

    Although this is coming from a fan who cried through half the finale…