NOT listening to their advice would be a foolish move. Even if O does hypnotize me. So I was all, B, guess what? I’m quitting my job to talk to the Universe all day! It will be great and we’ll be rich and all of our problems will be carried away by fireflies into the heavens. But then B was like, no. You’re not doing that. Whatever. I figure the Universe reads the internet anyway, so I’m going to put it here.
Hi. How are you? I’m doing ok these days. The prenatal vitamins are backing me up. I know, I’m not even preg. Whatever. I’m prepared like a boy scout. But that’s neither here nor there. Let’s talk about how you can help me.
1) I would like to be famous. I don’t need to be like Britney famous and definitely not Suri famous. I mean I’d like to be able to breathe. But maybe like Rachel Bilson famous? Like people are all, oh Amanda, write this cool little article in our magazine about fashion, wine and awesome. We love you, here is a bag of money.
2) Speaking of writing. I could totally write a book. You know that I’m almost 30 and I don’t have a baby? That’s like normal these days. I KNOW. Who knew? My friends are still whoring it up at bars. But our parents had babies at like 21. I was sleeping next to a keg at 21. People need to know this. Maybe I just told them. Well I can expand.
3) I can sing. Did you know? I can sing in a band. It doesn’t have to be like a huge crazy monster band, although there could be monsters IN the band. If you like I can call the band Monster Band. Although I’m slightly set on Cat Club. But this is negotiable. I just need the actual band and audiences. And a new band wardrobe.
4) I can act. Like on a stage. (I know I’m ALMOST a triple threat). Remember when I was in the Vagina Monologues in college? It was so awesome and funny. I know you were dying.
5) I can…dance? Ok not so much. Zumba was a stretch. I do have some sweet tap skills though. But you already knew that Uni. Can I call you Uni? Cool.
Now I know I’m supposed to like DO STUFF to make these things happen. But I’d rather put that in your hands and sit in my living room watching the Bachelor and paint my nails. I have total faith in you.
I am fully prepared to repay you by discussing sun flares, aliens and 2012 with the world on a regular basis. I know those are important subjects to you Uni.
I will always love you,
Now we sit back and watch Uni do his stuff. Oprah is never wrong. Except when she says she’s going to stop eating. Whatever.
GO UNI 2010.