I'm funny

Dear Universe….Can I call you Uni? Adam Lambert sent me.

February 9, 2010
Oprah AND Adam Lambert told me to stop what I’m doing and put my dreams and wishes out into the Universe.  And then the Universe would be all, NO problem. I got you.

Lord O+American Idol= Gold and Diamond Fairy Songs

NOT listening to their advice would be a foolish move. Even if O does hypnotize me. So I was all, B, guess what? I’m quitting my job to talk to the Universe all day! It will be great and we’ll be rich and all of our problems will be carried away by fireflies into the heavens.  But then B was like, no. You’re not doing that. Whatever.  I figure the Universe reads the internet anyway, so I’m going to put it here.

Dear Universe,
Hi. How are you? I’m doing ok these days. The prenatal vitamins are backing me up.  I know, I’m not even preg. Whatever. I’m prepared like a boy scout. But that’s neither here nor there. Let’s talk about how you can help me.

1) I would like to be famous. I don’t need to be like Britney famous and definitely not Suri famous. I mean I’d like to be able to breathe. But maybe like Rachel Bilson famous? Like people are all, oh Amanda, write this cool little article in our magazine about fashion, wine and awesome. We love you, here is a bag of money.

2) Speaking of writing. I could totally write a book. You know that I’m almost 30 and I don’t have a baby? That’s like normal these days. I KNOW. Who knew?  My friends are still whoring it up at bars. But our parents had babies at like 21. I was sleeping next to a keg at 21. People need to know this. Maybe I just told them. Well I can expand.

3) I can sing. Did you know? I can sing in a band. It doesn’t have to be like a huge crazy monster band, although there could be monsters IN the band. If you like I can call the band Monster Band. Although I’m slightly set on Cat Club. But this is negotiable. I just need the actual band and audiences. And a new band wardrobe.

4) I can act. Like on a stage. (I know I’m ALMOST a triple threat). Remember when I was in the Vagina Monologues in college? It was so awesome and funny. I know you were dying.

5) I can…dance? Ok not so much. Zumba was a stretch. I do have some sweet tap skills though. But you already knew that Uni. Can I call you Uni? Cool.

Now I know I’m supposed to like DO STUFF to make these things happen. But I’d rather put that in your hands and sit in my living room watching the Bachelor and paint my nails. I have total faith in you.

I am fully prepared to repay you by discussing sun flares, aliens and 2012 with the world on a regular basis. I know those are important subjects to you Uni.

I will always love you,

Now we sit back and watch Uni do his stuff. Oprah is never wrong. Except when she says she’s going to stop eating. Whatever.
GO UNI 2010.

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  • Rachel February 9, 2010 at 7:45 am

    I hope the universe grants all your wishes. Mostly because it would be cool to know someone who was in a band with monsters & was rachel bilson famous. Cause we probably wouldn't stay friends if you were Suri Cruise famous… you'd have way cooler people to call friends at that point.

    And I think the universe should grant your wishes for that book too. Cause then maybe people would stop looking at me and judging me cause i'm 25 and have no plans for babies (don't they understand that just because i'm fertile doesn't mean I want the seed planted?!?! Sheesh!)

  • DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom February 9, 2010 at 7:56 am

    Uni is cool. She always takes your calls. I am sure she will delvier.

  • Dual Mom February 9, 2010 at 7:59 am

    Suri has a 3.2 million dollar wardrobe, did you know that? I read it in People of US…so it must be true, right?

  • Deborah February 9, 2010 at 8:12 am

    I hope the Universe is very good to you… My girl friend tells me ALL the time to put it out to the Universe! So maybe your onto something!

  • Molly February 9, 2010 at 8:13 am

    have you made a shrine to Uni yet? I think that might help.

  • chinamommy February 9, 2010 at 8:27 am

    I've been putting my desire for a white Range Rover with camel leather interior (that has black trim) into the Uni for years now and in a couple of weeks I'll be 41 and still no RR. I even took a pic of myself next to one at the dealership (the cheaper one, it was only $83,000) and put it on my Oprah “wish board”… she lies, I have a 93 volvo wagon.
    BTW- i didn't become a mom till 34, but I adopted from China, I don't like all that yucky white cottage-cheese stuff that comes on babies & have you SEEN where they come out of? GAG!

  • KatieSPerk February 9, 2010 at 9:02 am

    Crossing my fingers that Uni delivers. Cat Club is a fierce name.

  • Meghan February 9, 2010 at 9:07 am

    I hope you get exactly what you want from Uni:)

    And I am also stocking up on my pre-natal vitamins and I am nowhere near preggers myself.

  • sarah February 9, 2010 at 9:46 am

    Wait. SO should I stop practicing my keytar and cancel the order of cat whiskers I just placed?

  • Mrs. Newlywed Giggles February 9, 2010 at 9:56 am

    Very last line in your blog post about Oprah = Me loving it and cracking up!

  • Brndoutw8ress February 9, 2010 at 10:00 am

    I'm staying posted for an update to this uni thing cause if it works for you I'm definately gonna give it a try. I gotta wait and see first though bc I'm just too damn lazy to try for myself!

  • Moooooog35 February 9, 2010 at 10:13 am

    I have it on direct authority that the Universe likes to be called 'U-shizzle.'

    Jersey Shore has ruined EVERYTHING.

  • tincupchalice February 9, 2010 at 10:18 am

    LMAO. Good luck with that one. I surely hope that Uni comes through for you so you can share the wealth with me … I mean, you know you've always wanted a home on the beach in Florida that I conveniently watch for you when you're not around, right!?!

  • Tiffany February 9, 2010 at 10:22 am

    yeah and need oprah and Jesus to work together to get me a book deal…i figure they can work it out

  • Gini February 9, 2010 at 10:29 am

    I was in the Vag Monologues too. I did The Woman Who Loved Vags, and all the different types of o-faces and sounds. That one was FUN! Since I technically went to a Catholic college, there were protests and shit and the Monologues practically got stoned. But then a couple years later, I read this huge spread in the paper about how OTHER people at my school were “breaking boundaries” and “committing daring acts of reclamation” by acting in the Vag Mons, and I was WTF FOOLS! I DID IT FIRST AND BETTER.

  • Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic February 9, 2010 at 10:31 am

    I love that at age 21 you were sleeping next to kegs.

    My parents married at age 19, and then had me at age 32. I think it took my dad that long to admit he wanted a kid, or to try. I'm surprised my mom didn't go all Lifetime on him and sneak a pregnancy!

    Kudos to you for living it up! I miss the days of sleeping next to the keg-ish behavior!

  • Juliana February 9, 2010 at 10:41 am

    Mmm….well I think you should hop to is missy. Surely Simon Cowel has a twitter or something like that. Stalk your way to your dreams, that is what I say. When I was passing those kidney stones I got up the courage and stupidity to write Dooce. I sounded like a teenager who had just touched the cover of a Jonas Brothers CD. I think I freaked her out. Anyhoo–I sent her an email and a friend request on her personal FB. She has like 117 friends. I knew nothing would ever happen until I saw her freaking face on my newsfeed the next day. I just about pooped my pants…then I realized that even though she had added me I could not see her profile…but I could see her updates–I just was not allowed to comment on them. I have an issue with this. THis is getting in the way of my blogging dreams dammit.

    So I think you need to start vloging…well singing to us and we can all put your youtube videos on our blogs and then at least maybe Dr. Phil will see it and then he will tell his gal O and then the next thing you know you will be famous and you can thank me later.

  • Glamorous Newlywed February 9, 2010 at 10:42 am

    I'm pretty sure Oprah controls the universe. (but Suri is next in line.)

  • SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB February 9, 2010 at 11:22 am

    back to oprah. did you see she was on some cover -not O- dressed in WHITE and was like a size 2?

    we're not buying it oprah and you should be ashamed of yourself

    we all know you are fat, not 1986 fat, but you're working on it, one brownie at a time

  • Sarah RDH February 9, 2010 at 11:25 am

    Uni works for me, I hope it works for you too!

    And pretty much, if Adam Lambert says/does it, I'm gonna do the opposite. Lady O, yes; Adam Lambert, a big fat no.

  • amy kelinda February 9, 2010 at 11:44 am

    I can play guitar, so we can totally form a band called Monster Band or Cat Club or Monster Cat or whatever. Then we can make it big and magazines will give you a bag of money to write about being baby-less and clubs will give you three bags of money to party it up and sleep next to a keg. Sounds good?!?

  • Big Boops February 9, 2010 at 11:53 am

    My dad has a band. I will see if you can sit in. Also, my hubs is on the radio, would you like to call in to his show. Maybe you would get discovered. Can you talk sports? Otherwise, it won't work out. You could be famous in Tulsa, OK at least. . . just sayin'

  • Becky Mochaface February 9, 2010 at 11:58 am

    Why can't book people realize how brilliant we are and give us major book deals? Oh, you mean I actually have to write a book first. Shit.

  • Krista February 9, 2010 at 12:15 pm

    You might want to stick with Cat Club because there is already a group called the Happy Monster Band. They're on the Disney channel. When you become a Mom, you'll know crap like this. It's a thrill a minute.

  • Dollface February 9, 2010 at 12:19 pm

    Write the book and we will read…. ooo Oprah… xxxoo

  • Leah Rubin February 9, 2010 at 12:35 pm

    I foresee it all coming true. Your goals are indeed lofty. I like that in a person!

  • Nessa February 9, 2010 at 12:37 pm

    I thought you were already famous.


  • Jenny DB February 9, 2010 at 12:56 pm

    i would buy your book! :)

  • MiMi February 9, 2010 at 1:00 pm

    That picture of A and O scares me.
    Oprah looks like a man standing next to him.

  • BugginWord February 9, 2010 at 2:06 pm

    I have this uncontrollable urge to lick Adam Lambert. And windows. But that's a different story.

  • Big City Dad February 9, 2010 at 2:20 pm

    MODG, two words for you…WEEKLY WEBCAST. Just get liquored up and pontificate and you are sure to be famous. Throw your mug up on YouTube and the bags of money will start falling from the sky.

  • Monique-aka-Surferwife23 February 9, 2010 at 3:02 pm

    Can you please name your band, “Hot Dog in a Hula Hoop”?! Thanks. Bye.

  • Mara February 9, 2010 at 3:14 pm

    I have a feeling you'll be famous! You're so funny you could have your own show..or reality show! I'd tune in :)

  • Chelle February 9, 2010 at 3:47 pm

    Bwahaha! My favorite part? The whole “Dear Universe, Hi. How are you?” part.

    I definitely think with that line the Universe will do whatever you want. Seriously. So polite.

  • Debbie February 9, 2010 at 4:04 pm

    Oprah is so rich, she doesn't have to be right! But, I hope the universe listens to you:)

  • Michelle aka Mommy February 9, 2010 at 4:13 pm

    okay, so i hate to burst your bubble, but once you become a mommy (b/c “uni” will totally listen to you. i promise! and so does the Big O and the Big Lamb) anyways, when you become a mommy you'll find out that “Monster Band” is already taken…okay, so it's “The Happy Monster Band” – check it, Disney.

    and the constipation has ALREADY begun!?!? oh crap! (no pun-intended…okay, maybe a little).

    wishing a joyful BM,

  • Cassie February 9, 2010 at 4:17 pm

    I think if the universe doesn't grant your every wish then Oprah has an obligation to buy you many things… She's the one that told you to put it out there, right?

  • Windy City Kelley's February 9, 2010 at 4:52 pm

    You should write a book!!!

  • Smart Ass Sara February 9, 2010 at 5:52 pm

    I hate to burst your bubble but there is a Happy Monster Band. It's made of cartoon monsters that do their thing (sing AND act) on the Disney channel. Fuckers. Maybe you can sue for copyright infringement or something. :)

  • AJ February 9, 2010 at 6:41 pm

    I am speechless. (you do that to me a lot). Not like I can't keep writing obnoxiously long comments, but whatever.

    I think that you should ask for a perfect body while you have Uni on the line. What? You already have a perfect body? I am so bitter.

  • Ice Queen February 9, 2010 at 6:50 pm

    I've been looking for a reason to quit my job and now that Oprah says it's okay then I think I'm going to do it. Surely Oprah and the Universe are super close friends so Uni will approve of me taking O's advice as well. I'm glad that's all been taken care of.

  • Karls February 9, 2010 at 7:11 pm

    I was in the gutter at 21… either that or some randoms bed. Damn being older and wiser!

  • Spot On Your Pants February 9, 2010 at 8:19 pm

    I would read your book and there isn't a day that doesn't go by where I beg the Universe for even a pint of the keg back.

  • Ashley @ KiwisandCocktails February 9, 2010 at 9:28 pm

    Ya, you are all set to go now .Just sit back and wait for Uni to do her thing. This letter will definitely get you something…

  • jenny February 9, 2010 at 10:53 pm

    YOu can do a lot of things, wow. patience is a virtue my dear. I know some of my friends' parents got their kids at almost 40. but i'm not saying that you will be having a kid at 40!that's way to loooong. I hope things are good this day. God bless:)

  • Amie February 9, 2010 at 11:23 pm

    I think the Uni only listens if you make yourself a dream board. I saw it on Oprah. You have to cut out pictures from magazines and make a poster of all the things you want and hang it in your office and then all your dreams will come true!!!! Like for reals!

  • Jelly Fish Javelin February 9, 2010 at 11:31 pm

    Hello. I was going to friend request you on facebook, but since we've never met in real life – I thought that might be creepy. But since we are about to meet, I have been reading your posts more closely and also thinking more about them. First of all, you speak about “putting it out there for the universe,” you should probably make a vision board. There is a totally delusional girl that I work with that swears by these. She is almost 30, heavy into the internet dating scene, and has been known to cry at a P Diddy motivational speech. Obvs… her word is gold. Second, I too should be famous. Probably for picking out all the fall pilots for TV. I have better taste than the stupid network people. And lastly, I just killed a bottle of wine by myself in my living room, but am convinced it doesn't count as “drinking alone” since my husband is sound asleep in the chair across the room.

  • KK February 10, 2010 at 12:58 am

    Ha, I have no faith in the universe, Oprah or Adam!

  • Sarah February 10, 2010 at 1:02 am

    Sing, act, write, you are destined to be a brand.MODG
    I did the dream board thing and my hubs couldn't stop laughing at it. Board or believing in you is all you need. Not to be all mushy…

  • Andy February 10, 2010 at 12:17 pm

    1) I'd read your book.
    2) Maybe you should be a quadruple threat- sing, act, write, make funny jokes
    3) Rachel Bilson famous is a proper amount of famous.

  • Clemson Girl February 10, 2010 at 12:30 pm

    You think I could reference you in my letter to the Universe? I'm sure I'd have a better chance at a response that way.

  • Corrie Howe February 11, 2010 at 11:19 am

    What's up with B? Stopping your dreams like that?

  • Shandal February 11, 2010 at 11:52 pm

    I LOVE Rachel Bilson. She's adorable! You should totally write a book. I would buy it! Can you really sing? B/C I don't believe you. I'll need to see proof. Vlog audition style. :)