I'm funny

I am the meat equivalent to brisket and jews fix problems. Both facts.

January 18, 2010

Sunday blew ass. It rained. How do I know this? B told me 94 times Friday through Saturday that it was going to rain. He was so concerned with the rain. B: You know it’s going to rain Sunday A:Yep I know. B: You know it’s going to rain Sunday A: Thanks again for telling me that B: You know it’s going to rain on Sunday A: I GOT IT. THANKS. This is something the elderly do yes? When they have nothing else to focus on? So yes, B was right, it rained and I was BORED.  I did this for a while <————-

and then did this with my only friend. It was riveting.

But then I was thinking about B’s heartfelt letter to the world circa 1988 declaring his love for those who ‘cook good’…so being so awesome and loving, I cooked. I cooked a Brisket. I know. Wait, why am I capitalizing brisket? It’s not like it’s Mayor Brisket, or Brisket Spears or Capt. Von Brisket. It’s just a piece of meat. I guess my gut instinct to give respect to the meat was based on it’s command to me that I cook it for 10 hours. Talk about high maintenance meat. Then again, if I were meat, you know I’d be brisket…making you check in with me 10 times a day minimum, make sure I am sufficiently cared for, ensure I am at the right temperature and if you even think about not following my instructions to the letter, I will shrivel up and die and I’m taking you with me. You see why I don’t cook.

Yes I felt guilt. Let’s face it, B is good stuff. I mean he buys me shoes. That’s enough to stop my heart right there. And he took me to dinner on Saturday and only like 12% judged me when I ordered the burger. He was all…you usually only eat one half and give me the other half. WOAH buddy. Rule# 1 in eating with a female: Never express opinions or quantity, fat content or going to the gym prior (or lack there of). We’ll hold it against you for a good 4 weeks post date. Back to B’s good stuff. He’s good. So my peaceful loving sparkle side said, Amanda, cook this man a brisket. It’s what the jews would do. And since I had catholic guilt about being a bad wife, what better way to fix it than with a jew solution? I know. Genius.

I got the recipe from the blog, Smitten Kitchen, mostly because she says bad words and has pretty pictures. You can talk about the growth rate of slugs on your blog, but if you’re a foul mouthed photographer, I’m all in.  So it’s bright and early and I have the salt bloats from that stupid burger THAT I ATE ALL OF and I’m squinting at this meat like, I’m not scared. I’ll take you down meat.  You think you’re high maintenance? Meat your match meat hunk. And it did.

It’s all kind of a blur but it involved browning, scraping, boiling down (or up?), concocting, cursing and then casting a secret spell that was like this: pleasepleasepleaseplease not taste like a cat butt. And then it was done. GO MEAT. I know you’re all, wait…where is the big catastrophe where she sets shit on fire or throws meat at B? BUT take that, there is none.


B loved it and said what a super wonderful wife I am ( I totally am) and I have wife credits built up now for like 1 marriage semester (I’m saving them up for a big ticket item). But my friends, I can’t take credit for this on my own. I have a secret side dish that makes even the worst pants hole slop crap taste better.

I have to thank my friend who really brought it all together in the end. With him around, everything tastes good. Heart you friend.

And if you’re thinking to yourself, MODG really only posts pictures of booz, cats and style books, you are a wild genius. Welcome to my world.
Happy Monday interwebs.

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  • Moooooog35 January 18, 2010 at 8:34 am

    I had a Hot Pocket.

    Thanks for rubbing that shit in.

  • I am Trish Marie January 18, 2010 at 8:57 am

    Don't you dare let my husband see this. He spent his Sunday taking me to the mall.

  • Lee the Hot Flash Queen January 18, 2010 at 9:22 am

    I am so impressed, a brisket. We don't have a stove and there is a reason for that.

  • Dual Mom January 18, 2010 at 9:26 am

    Wow, that's all sorts of impressive Amanda. Be careful, you keep this up and he'll be EXPECTING you to cook every evening.

  • Sarah RDH January 18, 2010 at 9:26 am

    There's nothing like a good brisket!! But I've never attempted it, since it's a difficult meat…I'm just trying to get chicken breast down right now…

  • Maelstrom January 18, 2010 at 9:28 am

    What's a brisket?

  • Llama January 18, 2010 at 9:30 am

    Brisket? Well, well aren't you fancy!?! I can't go much past pasta!

  • Cee January 18, 2010 at 9:34 am

    Something about attempting brisket has always freaked me out. I thought it was only something old Jewish women could really do well…you have inspired me to try.

  • BugginWord January 18, 2010 at 9:42 am

    If the recipe says “add water” I usually panic and skip straight to the booze. 20 pts to you, Star Shine. PS now I'm craving burger so THANKS for that.

  • LMJ January 18, 2010 at 9:45 am

    I have the same type of Tequila. I still haven't used it because I still have some of that Patron left. BIL works for a liguour distributor and is always stocking us up on free alcohol.

  • Lynn January 18, 2010 at 10:00 am

    Good news–you're on your way to becoming a really good grandparent! You know, the kind that cooks good.

  • sarah January 18, 2010 at 10:06 am

    Please tell me you ate guacamole and brisket.

    You still haven't provided B his much needed boat though.

  • Cathy January 18, 2010 at 10:06 am

    You are the best wife ever.
    That is all.

  • Connie K January 18, 2010 at 10:12 am

    So you rawk as a wife too !! love the brisket & Tequila always a good pair ive never served it together must try LOL !

  • Martinis or Diaper Genies? January 18, 2010 at 10:13 am

    fyi to the haters: it was SOUTHWESTERN brisket.

  • Leah Rubin January 18, 2010 at 10:27 am

    Cool. I posted about briskets and changing recipes a couple of weeks ago, so I can relate. I'll go visit this recipe NOW!

    Memo to self: Everything goes with tequila. It's the little black dress of booze!

  • LiLu January 18, 2010 at 10:29 am

    I only post pictures of booze, cats, and drunk videos. So we're 2 for 3. Not bad.

  • Lil' Woman January 18, 2010 at 10:40 am

    I don't even know what a damn brisket is…I must read up on this mystery item so I can brush up my wifey skills! :)

  • Lil' Woman January 18, 2010 at 10:40 am

    P.S. Don't forget the standing on the toilet pictures!

  • Deborah January 18, 2010 at 10:49 am

    Well, I suppose if I liked my husband, I would cook a brisket too!hehehehehe

  • Hailey {HRH} January 18, 2010 at 11:11 am

    OMG “saving up for a big ticket item” with your good wife credits! what a freakig FABULOUS idea. i am starting NOW!

  • tori January 18, 2010 at 11:12 am

    wow. you've actually inspired me to cook brisket. I've never cooked one before.

  • Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic January 18, 2010 at 11:21 am

    This rocks – well done! I've been toying with the idea of making a brisket to pay my boyfriend, M back for making me a smoked brisket on our grill over the summer (SO GOOD!). I found a great recipe in my Food and Wine mag but I'm going to have to check out the one you suggested as well.

    I'm glad it turned out great and not like cat butt – that is always my biggest fear when trying to make something new.. if it tastes like ass what do we eat then and damn it I wasted all that $.

  • Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman January 18, 2010 at 11:57 am

    I don't cook either so I am wildly impressed. I hope you also brought B his robe and slippers and scotch. B/c then you win Wife Of The Year.

  • Kass January 18, 2010 at 11:58 am

    Have you ever tasted a cat's butt? Are you related to Sarah Silverman?

  • Sara January 18, 2010 at 12:09 pm

    Does that pretty much mean you're excused from the next holiday gift exchange?

    I mean, when Valentine's Day rolls around, I think he should get you something shiny and you can say, “Remember when I made you brisket? You're so welcome, honey!”

  • Erin January 18, 2010 at 12:23 pm

    I have not mastered brisket yet. I am always afraid I'm going to overcook it, so invariably it always comes out still too tough. I'm a Jew–I thought certain things were just magically ingrained in me, i.e. brisket?!?!

  • Ams January 18, 2010 at 12:40 pm

    Brills… you are amazing. Especially if you were serving tequila with said Brisket. (I too capitalized without even thinking… what's up with that?)

  • meredith January 18, 2010 at 12:57 pm

    i have yet to use my crockpot and i'm scared when i do it will open up this whole new door to “meredith needs to start cooking things other than baked goods.”

  • MiMi January 18, 2010 at 12:58 pm

    If I ever got the balls to make a Brisket, it would be capitalized fo sho. Mayor Brisket would rule the roost around here.

  • B-Dub January 18, 2010 at 1:02 pm

    I fried up some wings. Used Pioneer Womans recipe. Simple, delish, and B will almost definitely love them. If he's a wienie and cant do buffalo you can always sub in your favorite BBQ sauce!

  • Casey January 18, 2010 at 1:15 pm

    cooking is fun….especially when tequila is involved. drinking while cooking is my specialty. i'm so 2010 betty f'n crocker

  • Monique-aka-Surferwife23 January 18, 2010 at 1:17 pm

    Now THAT is tekillya. Wait to go, Modg.

  • saltsays January 18, 2010 at 1:22 pm

    Good job! I didn't even know what a “brisket” was before I read this.

  • Brown Girl January 18, 2010 at 1:36 pm

    My stomach seriously growled when I saw the last picture. All my favorite things…yum. No pic of the brisket though, WTF, I feel slightly disappointed. No like you care. 😉

  • SassyGirl January 18, 2010 at 1:37 pm

    I love Smitten Kitchen!

    But anyway, “Rule# 1 in eating with a female: Never express opinions or quantity, fat content or going to the gym prior (or lack there of). We'll hold it against you for a good 4 weeks post date.” THIS IS SO TRUE. Seriously, we should make a handbook for male etiquette around females. Not that I know everything there is about what to do… but I know a lot of what NOT to do.

  • Mommy Lisa January 18, 2010 at 2:07 pm

    Not like I am bragging or anything but…

    I made a slow-cooker roast for the hubs on Saturday. I was not going to be home and he had to feed boo boo SOMETHING.

    And Sunday? I made manicotti from SCRATCH. And the sauce too.

    Bwha-ha ha. I have like 8 semester credits, right?

    Oh – I guess I was bragging.

  • At least I'm skinny January 18, 2010 at 2:23 pm

    I am appreciating the improved picture quality.

  • .jimaie.marie. January 18, 2010 at 3:04 pm

    Dude, Brisket aside (which is awesome DUH) your photog skills have reached a whole new level baby!!
    Now pass some of that tequila & guac!

  • Christy January 18, 2010 at 3:04 pm

    mmm brisket. I need to add this to my good-wife to do list – all in support of my campaign to be a trophy wife.

  • Shanny January 18, 2010 at 3:04 pm

    You know you are setting a high standard now right? A brisket will spoil B in the “cook good” department =)

  • blueviolet January 18, 2010 at 3:07 pm

    If that's what results from boredom, I'm all in!

  • Susan January 18, 2010 at 3:11 pm

    a brisket- wow, I am amazed!
    have a sweet day, xoxo

  • Existential Waitress January 18, 2010 at 3:22 pm

    Wow – and I thought I was hot shit for making my hubs pot roast. Brisket puts that to shame, if only b/c it takes even longer to cook. Good job – I'd better step my game up!

  • Big Boops January 18, 2010 at 3:34 pm

    I also commend your photo skillz. That tequila pic was soooo beautiful. I think I will make guac tonight actually. Thanks MODG.

  • heisschic January 18, 2010 at 3:44 pm

    i am jealous. why am i jealous?

    rain (sooo much better than freezing rain… hello from cleveland!)

    and a man who eats.

    the bf spent most of sunday studying… he expressed interest in stopping around 3pm (no food all day) and i was all “yay! food!” and he was all “time for a run!”

    so i went home and ate.
    and he went for a run.

    so yes. be happy your man appreciates a woman who “cooks good.”

  • theresamilstein January 18, 2010 at 4:25 pm

    If you want to make him love you even more, braise a pork belly. Unless he doesn't eat pork. Then I can't help you.

    If you ever want some easy meals that will make him think that you're a domestic goddess, let me know. Over the years, I've accumulated a few dishes that fool everyone into thinking I'm a gourmet.

  • Juliana January 18, 2010 at 4:53 pm

    We had pizza…my husband even had to order it himself. I am having some lovely kidney stones so I did not do crap, but that gauc looks really good and i do not just think it is the meds they have me on. P.S. Your meow meow looks adorable

  • Krista January 18, 2010 at 5:17 pm

    I did not cook for my husband this weekend… I just fixed myself something whenever I got hungry. Husband was like, 'So you ate already? I guess I have to fend for myself?'

  • Casey January 18, 2010 at 5:42 pm

    ps…you should've taken a picture of the brisket. i thought you italian jews like to take pics of food? and i would like to see this marvelous meat creation!

  • Chelle January 18, 2010 at 6:14 pm

    There is no way that I am telling the husband that you cooked B a Brisket.

    He will then expect me to cook him one quarterly…

    Although I may show him the pic of the tequila and margaritas and tell him B made you all of that…

  • Ice Queen January 18, 2010 at 6:20 pm

    You're pretty amazing for making a brisket. I don't venture into that territory. I stick to the microwave…maybe a quick skillet type thing but that's where I draw the line.

  • Jennifer January 18, 2010 at 6:32 pm

    I gave you an award!! :)

  • I'm Cooper January 18, 2010 at 7:08 pm

    You're the funniest bitch I've ever read and I wish we were best friends. There, I said it.

  • Kimberly January 18, 2010 at 7:08 pm

    Good Going! You rock!

    The last time I made one it came out a little dry. YUCK!

  • Karls January 18, 2010 at 7:41 pm

    Okay… so one question remains…

    What the fuck is a brisket?

  • Mara January 18, 2010 at 7:47 pm

    yay! congrats on your success in the kitchen! That blog Smitten Kitchen is awesome! It's been pouring rain here too..but I kinda like it! It gives me an excuse to be lazy :)

  • Shandal January 18, 2010 at 7:54 pm

    WTG on your cooking success! I always think my meals come out better when I've been drinking too.

  • Amanda {My Life Badly Written} January 18, 2010 at 8:01 pm

    OK I'm Australian so I don't even know what Briskit is! But I would have probably thrown it on the BBQ!!

  • UberGrumpy January 18, 2010 at 8:56 pm

    Roll on summer, eh?

  • Aunt Juicebox January 18, 2010 at 9:08 pm

    My husband has a friend and ex coworker who quit so he could start his own bbq place. Best.brisket.EVAH. I could die. I want some every day, including right now.

  • Tara January 18, 2010 at 9:13 pm

    You should be damned proud of yourself. My good wife status has been declining of late. Haven't made a good dinner for my husband in a while. Should fix that…but lazy.

    Love your comparison to a brisket. Haha!

  • kys January 18, 2010 at 9:47 pm

    Love The Smitten Kitchen. I had to give it up as my ass was getting bigger just reading her recipes.

    I went to the pizza buffet on Saturday and Sunday. That might have something to do with the expanding ass.

  • ZDub January 18, 2010 at 10:50 pm

    I had BEER margaritas this weekend with the exact same tequila and I smoked a brisket two weekends ago.

    Obvs we are separated at birth/blogs/alcohol/camera/butnotgoddamncats.

    I heart you.

  • michelle January 18, 2010 at 11:14 pm

    Wait, if I make Brisket will R marry me? Because I will so be down with the high maintenance meats.

  • Elizabeth Marie January 19, 2010 at 1:28 am

    I spent 10 hours with some meat as well.

    OMG I can't believe I said that and am leaving that up. Whatev.

    I am proud of my bitch in the kitch. For reals.

  • .:*aMbAr*:. January 19, 2010 at 1:52 am

    LOOOOOOL. I hate cooking meats. Precisely because they take FOREVER + a day.

  • Ginger January 19, 2010 at 10:34 am

    Wow, you are a meat queen!

    And that picture of booze, guac and salsa would instantly make me happy any time I saw it.

  • Sarah Lynn January 19, 2010 at 1:43 pm

    Wow, wish I had those kind of skills in the kitch. I'm still learning…

  • Corrie Howe January 19, 2010 at 2:38 pm

    10 hours on a brisket. You rock! I can do 10 hours too, but only in a crock pot.

  • Levon January 19, 2010 at 7:28 pm

    I'm a little late here, but just wanted to say that your baby shit in a bowl and assortment of fish parts goes well with that bottle of ALKY…in the pic at least…

  • gayle January 19, 2010 at 10:53 pm

    I'm impressed!!:)