small beings

Confession Friday: asian babies, famous stuff and poop. Duh.

January 15, 2010

Pants on the ground, it’s Confession Friday! I must start by telling you that last week’s confessions were top f-ing notch. I actually had to send like my top 10 to Sarah and she picked the winners this week. So if you’re pissed that you are left out, please visit ALME and blame her. Thanks.
Also for the first time in  MODG history, I feel the need to ask you as readers to not confess anything that would make me a legal accessory, like murder. Cool?

Now the rules for the newbies. I don’t know why I bother, 1/3rd of you ignore the rules anyway. Whatever. Here we go:
1) Read the confessions listed below. They are the best of last Friday’s Confession comments by our readers.
2) Say to yourself “I can do better than that” and list your confession in the comments.
3) *MOST IMPORTANT* Only list confessions. I do not want, any other comments other than confessions on this post. Ask the modg veterans. I beat girls up.  Your ultimate goal is to be the confession princess (no more allstar, too sporty)

Asian Baby Confession award: ZDub said…
I get email alerts from an adoption agency when new children are available. My husband has no idea I do this. We have two children and I don’t even think we have even discussed adopting EVER. On the days that the email includes a photograph of a very cute adoptable child, I email them back for more information. I’m afraid one day my husband will come home from work and I’m going to be all “Look what we got!” because I have no self control. *The emails are regarding available Asian children only. (*I highly HIGHLY recommend you visit Zdub’s blog. She has an asian child fetish and neglects her oldest who I’d like to steal. Hearts to Zoe as always.)

Teaching Your Kid Bad Shit Confession Courtney said…
My 3 year old is repeating everything we say. I keep having to yell at my husband for the sexual references he makes towards me in front of her. Her new favorite phrase is “Just The Tip.” It secretly makes me laugh, but I yell at my husband every time she says it. She also said Fuck recently. When I asked her where she heard it she said my mother in laws name. This also made me laugh because I know she heard it from me. I didn’t correct her. (*Bad shit plus blaming it on the mother in law signs you up for my new best friend. Congrats to you.)

 So Strange I Know You Didn’t Make It Up Confession: Moomby said…
there’s this awkward guy who always wants to walk me to my car after church and then asks for a hug. I give him the single arm/no hip contact/two shoulder pat platonic hug and EVERYTIME, he’s farted. Loud.  (*WHY are you hugging  random churchees?)

Best Thing I Ever Heard Confession: Rachel said…
Yesterday I deleted my facebook (again) because I’m tired of reading about my stupid friend’s stupid lives (*Anything this bitter is guaranteed an honor at MODG)

Famous People AND Prank Call Confession: C Dan said…
I used to work for American Express, in the travel disputes department. (This was PRE Al Gore inventing the internet for the masses days, so you would have to kill time in other ways.) So, I became a STALKER!!!! I would look up the accounts of famous people and just gander at their purchases etc. Well soon I stumbled across the part of their account info that had all their access phone numbers, so I started crank calling them. At the time I was OBSESSED with two people in particular; Helen Gurley Brown (at the time the Editor of Cosmo) and the actress Holly Hunter (who people say I looked like) I would just randomly call them, and after a while I would play tricks on them. Like if I saw a charge for lunch somewhere, I would call and say that forgot to sign the charge slip and tell them they needed to go back to the restaurant, etc. Helen was an OLD BAT back then, like a gazillion years old or something but man I used to get her so worked up (* Everyone who is anyone knows I live my life for prank calls and also famous people and being famous so this is stellar on all levels.)

Me: 4 years ago I stole a pair of socks from my 11 year old cousin because it was cold. I intended to give them back but they were so warm and nice and I could tell the expensive soft thick skiing kind. So, I kept them and have worn them 5 days a week, every winter night since. I maybe wash them on the weekend. Maybe.

Confession Princess Sara said…
So this one time, at the very beginning of my mis-spent youth, I was playing with a friend at the local school playground. Apparently, she ate some beans or cheese or something, because she had TO GO. But we didn’t want to walk back to our houses because HELLO? Playing. So I covered for her while she pooed on the ground in-between school trailers. And the next day? When the other kids were all, “OMG WHAT IS THAT SMELL?” I was all, “Must be a dead cat.” That’s true friendship. (*Despite my outward bitch, I appreciate a true friend. I also appreciate Hello? Playing. You won my heart of ice Sara)

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  • ZDub January 15, 2010 at 3:05 pm

    These are all so money.

    Mainly mine.

    I will name my adopted Asian baby after you. And go to my blog, today is ALL Zoe.

    Neglect her my ass.

    I have nothing to confess as I don't think it's fair to win two weeks in a row. I have a bye.

    P.S. Don't yell at me SARAH.

  • sarah January 15, 2010 at 3:11 pm

    Z-Dub is a slacker.

    (See, it's not all caps. I'm not yelling. Just disappointed.)

    My confession: last night S and I had “music orientation” at the church we are getting married in. When we were hearing the choices I could walk down the aisle to, I cried.

  • Sara January 15, 2010 at 3:14 pm

    Ooh I feel really famous now. An award? A SURI-THEMED AWARD? Today is my big day. I knew I could share with you about poop.

  • Rachel January 15, 2010 at 3:17 pm

    Wow! This totally made my crappy day way better! Thankx!

    P.S. Am I bitter?

  • Amber January 15, 2010 at 3:17 pm

    I tell my parents that I'm looking for a job. When in reality I don't apply at all the places they tell me to. I secretly like not having a job. Which is why I started designing blogs. So that I could have money to pay bills and it let me sit online all day

  • Courtney January 15, 2010 at 3:18 pm

    Holy Crap I won an award! And I'm MODG's new bestie! I thought after reading all of the entries last week there was NO WAY I was even going to get mentioned!

    Here is my confession for this week.

    My husband and I talk about having a threesome all the time. I'm okay with the idea, but I'm really afraid he'll like the other girl a lot better and leave me.

  • G-Zell January 15, 2010 at 3:20 pm

    These are so funny…

    ok pants on the ground I was singing it all day yesterday then i got my 14 year old son doing it.. then I forgot about today and now look what you have done…

    Now I am going to be singing again LOL

    pants on the ground pants on the ground lookin like a fo with your pants on the ground. ROFL..

    Thanks alot

  • Renee January 15, 2010 at 3:25 pm

    oooh, Courtney, that actually DID happen to a friend of mine, so I'd say stick with the fantasy…

    My first time at confession:
    Three nights in a row this week I have polished off an entire bottle of wine a night (by myself) because my son is out of school for the week and I therefore didn't have to get up early to get him dressed.
    I did however, have to get up with our new 7 week old puppy this morning who was whining like a bitch and that sucked because my head was splitting.

    I shall strive for something better next week.

  • Moomby January 15, 2010 at 3:27 pm

    awesome, awesome, and awesome!

    here's mine for this week;

    My best friend has a one year old uncircumcised son whom I sometimes babysit. She's instructed me how to properly clean his um, sharpei, for when I change his diaper. I pay no attention to these instructions. I refuse to move anyone's extra wenis skin around. Instead, while I change him, I say, “sorry kid, but you're getting a rash today.”

  • KatieSPerk January 15, 2010 at 3:29 pm

    Today at the office I returned a call to a client. Nobody answered. 5 minutes later the wife of my client called back and proceeded to tell me to stop calling her house and “soliciting”. I explained I was returning his call and then recited his cell to let her know that I actually did know her husband. I explained his appearance as this client has come to my office,I have met him etc. This really pissed her off. Apparently he Her hubs apparently is planning on buying a yacht without her. The wife then started ranting about how she knew he was cheating on her etc. etc. I apologized and got off the phone. I didn't call her husband on his cell to warn him either. He is going to go home to one pissed off wifey. He deserves it. But the bad news is that I think I just lost a client. His divorce is going to be pretty pricy….

  • jessalyn January 15, 2010 at 3:31 pm

    last SG post…i didn't realize that tree was a peni-tree until people started commenting on it (i actually didn't get the tree connection at all- i just thought you were being random). which is odd because i have a dirtier mind than any guy i have ever dated. i think i am just a little dumb.

  • Monique-aka-Surferwife23 January 15, 2010 at 3:32 pm

    Your confession princess is my internet bestie. She's MY Sara vs YOUR Sarah.

    I couldn't be more excited if I won your suri award thing.

  • Samma January 15, 2010 at 3:39 pm

    Last night I had major gas. I went to bed before my husband, filled the room with farts, then pretended I was asleep when he walked in talking about the farted up room. It's not my fault if I toot “in my sleep”, right?

  • C Dan January 15, 2010 at 3:45 pm

    Hot damn I'm a winner!

    WTH is all this “pants to the ground” crap? My husband came home earlier for our “1:30 Dirty” and afterwards we were talking, and he starts asking if I've heard about the old black man…American Idol…blah…blah..blah?” maybe I should have listened more, oh well. (Sorry MODG about the no love for American Idol, that is where my lust for you parts ways. I was into it for 3 seasons then OVER. IT.

    This weeks confession:

    I killed my daughters rabbit, but led her to believe it was her fault.

    You see, my parents lived out of the country for a few years, when they came back to the states, they were coming over for a visit. We had let my kids get a rabbit, but we live where it gets a 1000 degrees in the summer, so the rabbit was living inside and made the house REEK! Right before my mom & dad came I took the rabbit and shoved it and the cage in my husband's workshop and shut the door. When I went out to get it 5 HOURS later, it was dead. But I still brought it inside (in the cage) and just put it where it had been like nothing happened.

    When my daughter got home she saw it and was like OMG the bunny is dead!!! I looked at her and said, well, you probably forgot to feed it!

    To this day EVERYONE tells her she shouldn't have pets or kids because who knows what will happen to them?


    Where do I go to claim my mother of the year award?

  • Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic January 15, 2010 at 3:49 pm

    Excellent Samma – a girl after my own bowels!

    Here's My Confession: I feel really bad at times for my ex boyfriend and how we treated each other. We didn't always get along we were like cats and dogs. One night in particular we had gone out with some of my friends to a local bar. We started bickering about God knows what and in the middle of our argument he left the bar and went to call his friends back home to bitch about me. He did this a lot. I then proceeded to buy a round or two of shots for all of my friends that were there (8-9 of us?) and a few of the other local townies hanging out at the bar. I don't remember how we got home (he drove) and I don't remember how I got on the floor of my bedroom (he probably carried me up the two flights of stairs)… and I don't remember rolling on my side and barfing chicken wings & captain morgan on my nice white carpet and then rolling back over away from the barf and passing out… (he had to tell me the next day). The bonus was he had to fight our pitt bull to get it cleaned up, the dog was all about trying to help clean up momma's mess.

    And that is why a boy should never fight with me when I've been drinking. In the end he'll be cleaning up my mess and I'll be sleeping like a drunken sailor.

  • Gini January 15, 2010 at 4:03 pm

    I drank a shit-ton of vodka once (pun intended) and blacked out. My BF, now DH incredibly, dropped me at home in the care of my roommate and said “check ya later, I have to work and she is CUH-RAZY when she drinks vodka.” After she let me rave around in my room for a bit while she chatted online, she noticed that I soon became quiet. She came to check on me and let out a horrified scream (which is the first thing I remember after drinking half a bottle of vodka with pineapple), because I had pulled down my pants, nestled my little butt against the wall by my bed, and expelled the tastiest river of poo you may have never seen. I then acted indignant that she would ever accuse me of doing such a low-class thing, as I wondered why my pants were down and I tumbled off the edge of the bed.
    She threw me in the shower, where I promptly curled into child's pose, threw up vodka and juice into the drain, and shat on my foot. “Hey. You shat on your foot.” “…I'm aware.” She further remarked that the one turd looked like it was on a plate, consisting of the soles of my feet. THEN, I had to sleep on the couch with my head near a potted plant that had a colony of gnats in it. I shudder to think of what they did on my face.

    I spent the entire next day cleaning up my poopy ass-painting and wondering why the eff I thought it was a great idea to eat Indian before getting drunk. Truly the worst hangover EVER and the smell really exacerbated it.
    Oh, and I have never touched vodka since.

  • mrs. darling January 15, 2010 at 4:24 pm

    my jr. year of college my roommate and I started a prank war with the guy I was dating and his roommates. late one night we went and rubbed raw, rotten chicken on the windshield of one of their trucks. we drive back to our house, frantic that they saw us and are chasing us. standing on the porch of our house we are screaming (those shrill girly screams), in a rush to get inside. I don’t know why we were screaming…adrenaline rush and we had just consumed two big gulps each of dr. pepper. caffeine high. well, my bladder was FULL and I was screaming and laughing and started to wet my pants. so then I scream, “I’m peeing in my pants!” and that only made us laugh harder and scream louder so then my bladder pees harder. and standing on the porch I completely emptied my bladder. two big gulps worth of pee. my shorts were soaked and even my shoes were full of urine. it was disgusting. we finally get inside, I run to the bathroom, dry off, change shorts and we take off to defend our cars and shoe polish their windows. I did not even shower. I am so disgusting but clearly I had higher priorities at the moment.

  • Brandy January 15, 2010 at 4:24 pm

    I wrote a whole post called “top reasons I hate my husband” today. it's sitting in drafts only because his mom reads my blog.

  • saltsays January 15, 2010 at 4:36 pm

    Suri is such a fashionista.

    Let's see…confession. I know this girl who has a really ugly baby. I know I'm supposed to think “oh all babies are beautiful”, but that's just not true. Especially with this particular baby. It looks like a creepy puppet that you would see in like the Neverending Story or something. I call it “Ugly Baby” and I have actually showed pictures of it to other people who have debated the whole “all babies are beautiful” thing with me. And that is why I'm probably going to hell.

  • Semi-Slacker Mom January 15, 2010 at 4:40 pm

    My sole source of extra income comes from my husband paying me for sexual favors & sometimes I really don't like my children.

    That's all I've got today.

  • At least I'm skinny January 15, 2010 at 4:52 pm

    When I swim laps at the pool I have secret races with the old people swimming next to me. I feel really good about myself when I swim faster than a 65 year old woman.

  • B-Dub January 15, 2010 at 4:55 pm

    Here's on for the MODG record books!

    Back in High School I had to take an antibiotic for something lame. No one told me about the whole “Female + antibiotics = yeasty beasties” thing- and I had no clue why I was having some issues… (Shouldn't the antibiotics clear that up???) So I talked to my besty (because who talks to their mother about that sort of thing???) and she told me I just needed yogurt.

    Skip to later that day…

    I called her back because she didn't tell me how long I was supposed to keep the yogurt on. Yep, I used that yogurt like a lotion, didn't eat it.

    About an hour later she quit laughing at me and told me I was supposed to eat it, not rub it all over.

    Hey, at least I smelled like strawberries.

  • Meagan@Megs7827 January 15, 2010 at 5:14 pm

    There have been several non confession leavers. Sarah get on that! I am voting for Courtney as most memorable and troubling (had to type that in microsoft word to see how to spell it) and kinda ballsy! I would shoot my husband if he mentioned a threesome. I can't believe she is considering it.

    My confession: It is one I did today. I did bad stuff in the past but I have selective memory. So here you go. I don't know how to make the coffee at work and don't want to ask because I am afraid it will become part of my job. So I pretend I don't drink it. My desk is right by it so I can be sly. Anyways, since I don't know how to make more I hate taking the end, but I couldn't open my eyes today! So I set the pretty much empty pot back on a burner that was turned on. I did not realize how hot those things get! Someone came downstairs and said what is burning? I blamed it on someone making toast and thought oh maybe it was my dumbass. Sure enough the small amount of coffee that was left was all burned to the bottom of the pot. So I turned the burner off and walked out.

  • Jaime January 15, 2010 at 6:02 pm

    When I was like, 10 or 11 I spilled nail polish remover on my moms rich boyfriend's dining room table. As I tried to wipe it up, it dissolved the varnish and left a ginormous patch of raw wood.

    Luckily no one saw and its location allowed me to cover it up with a placemat. That nite my mom made dinner that involved a hot casserole dish. Her bf put it on the placemat since it was hot. After dinner when we cleared the table and he saw the melted, disfigured table, he thought it was from the hot dish.

    That bf became my stepdad and it has been over 20 years and he still thinks he was the one who destroyed the finish on the table. We still have that table. It sits in his woodshop and is where he puts the TV and other random shit.

    I have never confessed and to this day, whenever someone goes to put a hot dish on a placemat he flips out and tells them to “Get a real trivet! You will melt the table!!” Muahahahaha!!!

  • Random Thinker January 15, 2010 at 6:04 pm

    My sister in law and I had babies just a couple days apart (totally uncoordinated – it just happened), and from the beginning I was annoyed that they always were asking me questions just so they could compare our babies, and secretly I thought it was unfair that I had to share my first-baby-spotlight with them (it was their second). Now our babies are over a year and I'm starting to think their baby is developmentally delayed because it's so far behind my baby. I know I should feel bad because it's my flesh & blood too, but inside I laugh because they have finally stopped comparing our babies! PS: no matter how non-competitive or close you may be with a friend, I would never recommend purposely have a baby really close to someone else because I'd hate to be in the opposite situation!!!

  • Sarah January 15, 2010 at 7:34 pm

    These are hilarious.. Your blog makes me laugh so hard..
    A confession, ugh.. Maybe next week. Happy Friday!

  • Sarah RDH January 15, 2010 at 8:15 pm

    1. Just watched Marley & me…makes me cry every single time.

    2. When I was 18, I was dating my boss's son, and he brought me over for Christmas Eve, where my boss allowed me to take out about half a bottle of Captain, and then I spent a large chunk of the evening on the bathroom floor, puking everywhere. My BF tried to LEAVE ME THERE ALONE, he was so pissed at me for it, and his mom talked him out of it. Obviously, this relationship did not work out.

    3. Same BF, a few weeks later, his parents were out of town, so we had their AMAZING house for the weekend. And we def. did it in his parents bed. And then his dad called (my boss, remember) in the middle of this, and he proceeded to answer the phone and talk for about an hour. Like I said, this relationship just did not work.

    And I am more than happy it did not. 😉

  • Secretia January 15, 2010 at 8:21 pm

    It is so interesting to read confessions.


  • Renee January 15, 2010 at 8:22 pm

    confession 2…
    I'm fairly certain that I am, yet again, going to drink another bottle of wine…not just your normal bottle, but the big ass double bottle of cheap Mondovi just because my neighbors brought it over and I have nothing in the rack.
    (by the way, my neighbors are total D-bags, which is why I'm in my office goofing around on my computer, checking the important stuff, like who posted the best confessions on your blog, while they're downstairs boring the crap out of my poor husband).

  • Levon January 15, 2010 at 8:33 pm

    Hi, it's me, the one who teaches her kids to say bad things…A few weeks ago it was “beat you”, now it's…

    Confession: “Gina” as in VAGina. And, any time anyone says anything that remotely sounds like Vagina, he starts yelling “Gina, Gina!!” as he horse gallops around the room. Sooo…our Dr., whom apparently thought that today would be the day she would talk about her obviously being from CHINA, got to see my 20 month old horse gallop around her office yelling “GINA, GINA!!!”

    You should make a special award for me…

    I do have this one on video :O)

  • thatsomeoneisme January 15, 2010 at 9:04 pm

    I was once one of five college kids working as office couriers, or errand runners, in a law firm. A fellow courier was one the rest of us despised: she was a rich, snobby sorostitute who got the job because Daddy was a law partner's friend. She probably used her pay on keggers only, since she already received a monthly allowance from her dad.
    We couriers were stationed in a windowless room where the rest of the office would drop off errands for one of to do. One morning the To Do basket contained a Fed Ex envelope w/a note stating that it was imperative we drop off the envelope before the end of the day so it would get to one of the firm's biggest clients the very next day. Alone in the copyroom I picked up the envelope. Before I left the office, I decided to go to the kitchen to get a soda for the hot walk to the fed ex drop off box, which was near the post office, where I had to go anyway. In the kitchen, I noticed the coffee was low, so I decided to make more before the lawyers got homicidal.
    So I left, and came back, and yadda yadda yadda…I went home. The next morning four of us are in the copyroom when a secretary, white as a sheet, entered. She announced that a client is mega pissed because a Fed Ex pkg didn't get to him as promised. And the law partner who reps the client wants to know who f***ed up. We each denied responsibility. And, in the most innocent voice, I offered that I might have seen the package in the hands of the sorostitute, who happened to be the only courier not in the office at the time. The secretary was happy to take a name to blame to the lawyer, who had the office manager call the sorostitute to fire her. They gave her no chance to defend herself – ironic, since it was a law firm, a place who represented people who are presumed innocent until proven guilty.
    So yeah, I got someone fired.
    And, I recently learned that the sorostitute had a congenital heart issue and received a heart transplant a few years after getting fired.
    So, I'm pretty sure I'm going to Hell.

  • thatsomeoneisme January 15, 2010 at 9:29 pm

    I neglected to mention what happened to the Fed ex envelope: it was sitting on top of the office kitchen's refrigerator, exactly where I put it so I could make the fresh coffee that day. I found it and never told a soul it was my fault, until now.
    And, as you see – since I had to postscript my comment – I'm still forgetful.

  • SG January 15, 2010 at 9:40 pm

    Here's mine:

    Before we got engaged I told my fiance that if he proposed I would give him a BJ everyday…he proposed…now he's lucky if he gets one once a week. Sucker.

  • Existential Waitress January 15, 2010 at 10:15 pm

    OK, this is pretty horrible, and I'm sure that I'm going to Hell for this, but I was married in my early 20's and it just didn't work out (settle down, I promise that's not the bad part). I'd pretty much made it clear to the ex that I was ready to make it official and move on, but I guess he just wasn't hearing it b/c he seemed pretty shocked when I ran off with a Vegas bartender. Anyway, to add insult to injury, I also may or may not have stolen thousands of dollars from his bank account where his student loans had just been deposited. And I may or may not have spent it all on things like designer handbags and Prada shoes. He was pretty upset, needless to say. But I DID pay it all back (eventually). That really is one of the worst things that I've ever done (my mother would KILL me if she knew), and I'd feel terrible about it if it didn't still make me laugh to this day.

  • BakerGirl January 16, 2010 at 2:04 am

    Okay, reaching back into the files for this one…

    Back in college I drank too much my first two years. To this day I don't really have a reason for my over indulgence. I wasn't trying to rebel or anything I just enjoyed drinking too much and being an extrovert for a few hours.

    Anywho, one year I went on my one and only true spring break adventure. It was with my friends at the time, many of whom were co workers. Keep in mind I had finally broken it off with a giant d-bag that I wasted way too much time on . We arrive at the house and everyone is just chilling. Eventually, we get a game of flip cup going which spirals into beer pong. I was also drinking gin and tonics. (I hadn't learned my lesson properly about micing my alkies). I don't remember much about that night once I had several g&t's and I certainly don't remember what the hell we did all night.

    At some point, I drug my drunk ass self up to the bedroom that most of us girls were sharing. There were five in the king sized bed and like six of us on blow up mattresses on the floor. I was all drunk and content so I passed the F out.

    Fast forward a couple of hours. I wake up and REALLY have to pee. Thinking I'm so smart and can SO hold my alcohol I feel my way in the dark to the bathroom. Find the toilet and start relieving myself.

    Except, I'm not peeing on the toilet. I'm peeing on the nightstand that is outside the bathroom and next to the bed. One of my friends wakes up and thinks it's my bf peeing on the night stand and yells her name at me. I'm all “Dude, why is she yelling at her? Is she peeing in the room?!” Then, I realize what I'm peeing on and realize it's dark and she can't see. I try to stop peeing but I can't, my bladder was probably about to rupture I had so much pee in it.

    Since I was still drunk I didn't care too much about my actions and just passed back out in bed.

    The other girls got to clean that shit up and today I'm glad they had to do that because none of us are on speaking terms.

    I never ever had the urge to do a crazy college spring break ever again after that one. I much prefer to get drunk in places where I can find the bathroom in the dark without thinking.

  • GirlyAtLaw January 16, 2010 at 6:11 am

    Long time reader, first time confessor.
    I can't tell anyone this, so I'm confessing it to all of you.

    My boyfriend of almost 7yrs and I had a foursome (no swinging though bc I'd never have sex with anyone but my bf) with our best friends who are also in a long term relationship. We were all pretty drunk and pretty loud at our friends new apartment. The next morning when we woke up we could hear the neighbors having a conversation very clearly through the walls. One of the neighbors watched the 4 of us leave later that day from his window. We ended up sleeping over again that night… I don't think our friends are going to be invited over to their new neighbors any time soon.

    I'm come off as very proper and the least likely to engage in this sort of thing (I'm 25, in law school, from conservative affluent family) and I totally plan on having my will say something like To my children I bequeath all my worldy possessions and assets and BTW I had a 4-some with your father and A and E (who we totally plan on taking family vacations with when we all have children).

  • Mrsblogalot January 16, 2010 at 6:21 pm

    This whole post made me laugh so hard I might even get up the courage to confess next week…if I can stop laughing

  • classic January 16, 2010 at 7:38 pm

    Just started following! This was hilarious!

  • UberGrumpy January 16, 2010 at 8:10 pm

    Good heavens! Is that the New York Times?

  • Shandal January 17, 2010 at 11:33 am

    Whenever I use a public restroom or if anyone is an earshot away from the restroom, I always grab some toilet paper and muffle my butthole. That way in case I get attacked by a surprise fart no one will hear it.

  • Deborah January 17, 2010 at 1:35 pm

    Some of the confessions are crazy. Your readers are very funny!

    I was thinking…you could alway be a foster parent to dogs. Apparently a lot of shelters do that instead of putting the little dogs down.

    That would be fun, you would never know who is coming home and for how long! Your kids would love it!!

    Have a good Sunday!

  • thatsomeoneisme January 17, 2010 at 2:49 pm

    I must confess: I don't like that the US government puts tens of millions of dollars to help Haiti when there are so many people, particularly children, in the Unites States who need help, too. I wish the Haitian govt would rely solely on private donations from those who can give – so far several celebrities have pledged tons of money and I know many people who have donated their own (including myself). I resent that it takes the federal govt weeks and months to pass legislation to provide some dinky health care program, yet overnight can funnel $$$ to another country. One out every ten Americans are unemployed and way too many kids on this country go to bed hungry night after night. Pls don't hate me for feeling this way. I just believe we have a lot of bad shit we should fix here, too.

  • Jr. Mint January 17, 2010 at 5:09 pm

    I have spent the last week facebook stalking one of my friends to look at her tagged wedding pictures to see how she looked in her wedding dress. I was thrilled to find that I looked ten times better in my dress than she did in hers. Not only was I thrilled, I've been telling other people all week how thrilled I am.

  • Life Laugh Latte January 17, 2010 at 9:26 pm

    I have one I truly feel terrible about. So, my daughter had a big b-day party last year when she turned 11. I asked her if there could be a “give back” theme woven in. She agreed that would be nice. So I found a great online source that listed extremely ill children. We chose a little girl and bought projects to do for her at the party. I read her story to the girls…many of them cried. They took 2 hours to make the items pouring their hearts into them. Then about 2 months ago my daughter was in the office and said…”Oh my gosh Mom! You NEVER mailed the gifts?” I was mortified…then terrified to look up the girl for fear she might have passed. So they continue to sit in our office. Yeah…I suck!

  • Kristin January 18, 2010 at 12:56 am

    I will NEVER stop laughing about just the tip…

  • Julie January 18, 2010 at 11:04 am

    I think less of people who text with a “c” instead of “see” and a “u” instead of “you.”

  • Julie January 18, 2010 at 11:21 am

    oh. oh. oh.

    I just thought of another confession. My junior year of college I went on Spring Break to Acapulco. During one night out, the bar we were at had a wet t-shirt contest. This was a large and very fancy bar (as fancy as a bar that holds wet tshirt contests can be) and all the girls were up on stage with me and my group of friends standing way in the back. In my drunken state, I threw my beer bottle toward the stage and somehow, someway it made it across the entire bar and hit one of the wet t-shirt contestants smack dab on the head. Well, the bar immediately stopped the contest and shone the spotlight on the area I was standing. And me being all of nothing pounds and having drunk my weight in alcohol, totally pretended I did not do it. Push almost came to shove when the bar owners said they had a camera and I told them to watch it and they'll see I didn't do it. Thank the Lord Almighty that I was in the blindspot of the camera so I could continue to deny my involvement in peace. Well, they eventually found some guy that was in the same area I was standing and took him off to the Mexican jail for the night. I feel bad that he had to spend the night in Mexican jail, but there is no way I would have survived that.

    God, I'm such a bitch.

  • Jenny DB January 18, 2010 at 10:46 pm

    OK my turn. First time so I apologize if this is weak sauce.

    My relationship w/ my bf is *almost* perfect… minus the thorn in my side that is his bromance with this one dude I can't stand. For good reasons, he's a woman-hating drunk who sends texts asking my man if he's banged any bitches lately, etc.. but I digress. For the confession part. I truly don't think I would be sad if this dude was struck by lightning, but since I know this is unlikely to occur, I have dabbled with the idea of sending HR at his company an anonymous email to let them know that time he didn't show up for work because he was “in the emergency room” he was actually in jail for domestic violence. True story. But the biggest reason I didn't do it is cause I think I would be suspected and my bf might never forgive me.

  • Sara January 19, 2010 at 7:21 am

    My husband thinks it was an accident, but I totally got pregnant on purpose. Yep. I didn't just miss ONE pill, I missed ONE PACK of pills. And all that crazy hotel sex? Just extra insurance to make sure it worked.

  • Sarah Lynn January 19, 2010 at 1:48 pm

    haha those were great!!! sorry it took so long to read them.

  • Rachel January 19, 2010 at 7:07 pm

    Sorta confession:

    The only people I talk shit about on a regular basis are the people on Facebook who won't shut the hell up about their stupid kids. What's worse than knowing when someone's going to take a crap? Knowing when their kids are taking a crap.

    And pictures of unborn fetuses on facebook? Pretty much the most disgusting thing ever. Eww.

    Does this make me a terrible person? Maybe.