I'm funny

Single discussing his favorite subject: Cats. Ok not cats. It’s sex.

January 12, 2010

Guess who it is? Single Guy i.e Doeswhateverhewantsincludingskippostsandsendthemlate Guy! Today he’s discussing something the keen reader will know that I do not discuss. Sex. That’s because I’m really really religious. BAH! No. It’s because that’s weird and my parents read. Hi Dad! (He loves Single Guy…I know). But if SG wants to take the reigns on this one, be my guest. Who am I to stop the wise from imparting their wisdom? I apologize for his grammar. I spent the last half hour editing his slop. JK SG, hearts 4 you always xoxo, Miley. My notes are in blue (modg’s not Miley’s)

So over the past four months (wow that is a long time) with a weekly post for MODG I have realized one thing, the more controversial the topic the more amusing the material and more importantly the more entertaining the comments are. With that being said (and based on requests I have received from readers) I have chosen to discuss the topic of SEX (*Single Guy capitalizes Sex throughout the whole post and it’s really annoying. I think he thinks it may be an acronym maybe?) and when it “should” happen in a new relationship.
Yeah that is right, I said the word SEX and I am going to talk about it, OPENLY (*See what I’m saying? Although there is no way OPENLY is an acronym. That’s absurd). When you first meet someone, it’s probably on your mind as to when it is and is not okay. Is the guy going to think I am a slut?? Or, potentially even worse?? Is he going to think I am not a sexual person? I do not think that there is a “right” answer. While you may think that this answer is gauged on how drunk you two are, I am telling you, it’s not.
1) How much do you feel about each other?
Well if you really like a guy and think there is potential, I say wait. If a little bird is telling you to refrain then REFRAIN. (*I give SG credit for this one. One would think he’d discourage all females from waiting to better his odds when meeting the females of the world. In fact he’s looking for a girl with a ring like that <—–) Waiting is likely only going to make him want it more and if he loses interest, not to sound cliché, but he wasn’t in to you. He was though just trying to get in your pants. But if you are just looking for some fun, have at it, but PLEASE be safe! Use discretion here. One thing I do know, for sure, no question, is that unless you had a one night stand and THEN went on a date afterwards (where he will fully expect to relive the first nights transgressions), having sex on the first, second or third date is a BAD idea (*That jumble of words confuses me). First make sure the guy is committed and legitimately interested (i.e. do you share stimulating conversation?) before you allow him to stimulate other areas. Plus you can certainly entertain one another with other activities before you knock boots (* (clearing throat) knock knock..Who is this person? SG is that you??? Oh wait, let me guess. You have some girl reading this right now because you bragged about your blog again. Got it)

2) How long have you known each other?
This will determine how fast it happens. If you have known each other for a while and have a strong relationship then SEX will happen much faster. This is because you wanted to make out for a while and when it is on, ITS ON! Hell you may have even spent some “personal time” thinking about having SEXYTIME (*that gets caps too??? come on) with one another (hopefully you do partake in “personal time” it teaches you A LOT about your body and what you enjoy and how to make your O Face).
3) Can you check the person’s references?
So we have discussed the background check, and I think everyone does this in one form or another before being intimate with someone. Shit ,you can read my blog (*AGAIN WITH THE ‘YOUR BLOG’ THING. STEP OFF SG. YOU RENT SPACE FROM ME) and find about my clean bill of health. Anyway, if you plan to have SEX with someone you should probably do some research; it is your health that you should be concerned about.
4) Lastly, do you plan to do it again?
I mean I guess it could be totally terrible and turn you off so bad that you do not want to go back for round 2 but I think everyone deserves a second chance. Oh and trust me, guys like instructions, if he is doing something wrong give him a nudge or tell him so. The whole purpose of SEX (*It’s the last time thank god) is to pleasure one another and if there was something I could do differently to help you out for God’s sake TELL ME DAMMIT!! Plus, once you do this, it makes him think it is acceptable to give you pointers which likely you will appreciate, if not, well then you are dumb…sorry just sayin (*We say JS at MODG).

So when do you do it for the first time? There really is NO RIGHT ANSWER. Just think about it and do not let him force you in to something you do not want to do, that is just plain stupid.
*So SG has a problem with capitalization, run-ons and tells us we are dumb/stupid. Perfection SG. You know what I like around here.

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  • sarah January 12, 2010 at 3:32 pm

    Dear Single Guy,

    Well, cutie, I think you are a liar. To tell me that you aren't interested in having SEX with a drunk chick is a lie. A big dumb lie.

    Almost as dumb as your excuses for never being able to turn in a blog post on time.

    I am with MODG and give you credit for encouraging a girl to wait, but I am pretty certain you are only saying this so girls will like you and then sleep with you. Guys are not that good at being tricky.

    MODG is right: “One thing I do know, for sure, no question, is that unless you had a one night stand and THEN went on a date afterwards (where he will fully expect to relive the first nights transgressions), having sex on the first, second or third date is a BAD idea” is not English. Please translate.

    Did you really type this: “do you share stimulating conversation?”

    Please stop.

    Are you referring to masturbation as SEXYTIME? That makes me even more uncomfortable than blogging about masturbation in general. Weird. If I knew some guy was thinking about me pre-SEX while having SEXYTIME, I would be freaked out.

    Do you know how I know you're gay? You're a dude who said sexytime.


  • jessalyn January 12, 2010 at 3:42 pm

    awwww i think that was single guys soft side. how sweet. (but i agree with sarah. SEXYTIME=creepyweirdyucka)

  • Nezzy January 12, 2010 at 4:09 pm

    This Ozarks farm chick is just amazed by that big old tree in the last pic. Do ya'll feel me blushing?

    Have a fantastic day!!!

  • Monique-aka-Surferwife23 January 12, 2010 at 4:16 pm

    Well, Sarah beat me to it, but I was going to ask if SG is Metro. And that's me being generous.

    Thanks for clearing up nothing and telling us what our moms told us during our birds and bees talk.

  • michelle January 12, 2010 at 4:28 pm

    1) What is going on with that girl's ring? Is that supposed to be hebrew? A promise ring? I am confused.

    2) I love the picture of the girl taking i up the bootie by the giant tree penis.

    3) I used JS the other day in an angry letter to my stupid neighbors. I thought Amanda would be proud.

    4) Since Guy, I am ignoring you this week.

  • Martinis or Diaper Genies? January 12, 2010 at 4:30 pm

    yes trap hole, it's a promise ring. Duh don't you know anything about the jonas brothers?

  • meredith January 12, 2010 at 4:38 pm

    hmmm. sg, i found this post to be rather unhelpful… i feel like you maybe had to get some things off your chest. or maybe you're trying to get with a girl who you know reads MODG daily. p.s. – i once had a promise ring throughout middle school and high school, and well, i had to stop wearing it.

  • Mommy Lisa January 12, 2010 at 4:44 pm

    Wow. That was a waste of time.

    tell SG he needs to be more ENLIGHTENING. Maybe talk about how he spends “personal time” perfecting his “O face”.

    That would be good reading.

  • P January 12, 2010 at 4:45 pm

    if anything i guess this just proves that all guys, and all relationships are different. Not that I didn't know that anyway. But I was amused in the process.

    And thanks for not forcing me into anything, SG!

  • Martinis or Diaper Genies? January 12, 2010 at 4:45 pm

    maybe this is my fault for opening the mean gate, but give SG a break. He is trying to be nice. I think. poor SG.

  • "Julie" January 12, 2010 at 4:46 pm


    I don't even know what to say here. I'm kind of with Sarah on the “Sexytime” comment, but you kind of redeemed yourself with the “knocking boots” comment because it made me chuckle. Yeah, I said chuckle.

  • Cee January 12, 2010 at 4:51 pm

    I was expecting something more freaky from a SEX post.

  • Cee January 12, 2010 at 4:51 pm

    But it's nice you told girls to wait.

  • hotpants™ January 12, 2010 at 5:06 pm

    How can he say there's really no right answer right after he says you can't do it on the first, second or third date?

    I did it on the third date. Twelve years later, we're still doing it. So nah!

  • Karls January 12, 2010 at 5:18 pm

    What a wise old soul… He'll take what he can get, I'm sure. But has more respect if you make him wait until his balls are dragging along the ground, the colour of plums, but the size of watermelons. Respect, brother, respect.

  • ♥Aubrey January 12, 2010 at 5:19 pm

    Really?!!! This is BS…and that's capitalized SG :)
    Sex is constantly on your mind and you think about it when you first look at a girl…talk to a girl…kiss a girl. Your ramblings here are too blah!!! Are you trying to date an innocent girl or what?

    Of course there will be instructions…that's a given. One who is vocal with their needs is a turn on. {Ask them to tell you certain things…}

    P.S. Make your “O” face…please…SCREAM how good it feels!!!

  • Sarah RDH January 12, 2010 at 5:28 pm

    haha one point I don't agree with: my last supposed one night stand became my husband. So drunk flings sometimes work out. It depends on how much God loves you. He loves me, but apparently you, not so much SG. lol

  • DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom January 12, 2010 at 5:35 pm

    Wow! I didn't hate this. I was fully expecting to get the do it the first time every time speech. This was rational and sound advice. Score single guy (just not on the first, second or third date)!

  • Cathy January 12, 2010 at 6:04 pm

    “Mr. Madison(or SG), what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”

    Someone had to whip it out.

  • boops January 12, 2010 at 6:29 pm

    SG sounds like my mom.

  • Callie January 12, 2010 at 6:32 pm

    MODG, I'm handing over my Comment V-card right now. You already know you're awesome so I won't compliment your blog and I will even admit to being mildy amused by SG on a sporadically weekly basis. With that said, can you PLEASE ask him to learn the correct use of grammar (like maybe a comma or period in every other page or so?). I am by no means the grammar police myself but it would be nice to read his posts without having to re-read them once or twice and question my own understanding of the English language. SG, you must be somewhat cute for MODG to vouch for you but if you speak in any way that mirrors the way your write…well, its no wonder you're going by SG. (sorry!)

  • MiMi January 12, 2010 at 6:48 pm

    Um. So let's see. Does SG have SEXYTIME with himself in front of a mirror so he can gauge the look of is O face??

  • Llama January 12, 2010 at 7:14 pm

    seriously, that picture of the tree had me practically peeing in my pants …hahaha! guys like instructions? really? are you sure? ill have to try that one and get back to you SG!

  • carrie1 January 12, 2010 at 7:50 pm

    Although I don't really agree with this whole sex reasoning bullshnitz…

    I am still going to give SG a BIG AT'TA BOY…with a pat on the back… and an “A” for effort!

  • Natalie January 12, 2010 at 10:15 pm

    Wow.. I was expecting something a little more helpful. I heard this same speech when I was 15.

    And for the record, sex on the first, second or third dates is not always a bad idea. I met a guy in a bar, took him home & had sex. Here we are 6 years later, still having sex.

  • Ams January 12, 2010 at 10:43 pm

    The tree is too much… I can't breathe.
    SG… you are so sweet. All of you. Sweet 😉

  • AJ January 12, 2010 at 11:32 pm

    I must give SG credit for writing what appears to be a load of crap. It's a nice, thoughtful, sensitive guy load of crap, but good job!

    The pics really are too much… I found myself distracted by the LARGE tree… lol

  • Andhari January 13, 2010 at 2:06 am

    SG and I can get along because I refer to sex as “sexy times” too :p in fact, it's better for me to have people like him from time to time, to remind me to hold down my slutty urges you see?


  • I am Trish Marie January 13, 2010 at 9:55 am


    My husband and I had SEX the first night we went out. It wasn't even a date. Over four years later, we are married. Sometimes being a slut works.

  • Cait* January 13, 2010 at 10:17 am

    Whatevs. Even though I'm just trying to make myself feel better, I'm going to tell myself to believe SG because I am newly single after sleeping with the same guy for 6 years. So leave me in denial w/ SG, thinking he is right and honest. FML.

  • Cait* January 13, 2010 at 10:17 am

    And Cee is right. I'll like a more ridiculous SEX post next time.

  • Ashley @ KiwisandCocktails January 13, 2010 at 11:58 am

    One main thing I agree with SG on…THERE ARE no rules for this. So, the whole waiting after the 1st, 2nd and 3rd date….ehh…you can't apply rules or times to these things.
    I waited until the 2nd “date” with the man who is now my husband…and When I say, I waited, I Felt like the 2nd date was a real achievement for me! What can I say? I am NOT a patient person! At. all.
    Thanks for sharing though. This was kind of sweet .
    And the sexy time…I would NOT be creeped out if someone had alone sexy time thinking about me before we actually did it…in fact, I like the idea of it. A lot. Does that say I just love attention and the thought of a man (I like)thinking about me like that? hm, perhaps! :)

  • Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic January 13, 2010 at 12:59 pm

    Tree Penis = NSFW! ACK! lol my boss walked by and asked WHAT IS THAT?!?!? My reply… “Ummm tree penis?”

  • Sara January 13, 2010 at 3:27 pm

    You know, I enjoyed this post.

    Instructions? Sure, I can do that.

    Not putting out right after shaking hands? I got that one.

    However, the picture of the tree with business coming out the side makes me so itchy I can hardly stand it. And not in a good way.

  • ZDub January 14, 2010 at 2:01 pm

    I think SG is ahead of his time. Like he's a prophet and shit.

    And Trish Marie, I would only be surprised if you DIDN'T have sex with Kenny on your first non-date. :)

  • nicoleantoinette January 14, 2010 at 11:09 pm

    This doesn't make me want to sleep with SG any less.

  • Krëg February 16, 2010 at 3:43 pm

    This is the worst advice I've ever read.