I don’t have PMS I really do hate you. And I have PMS.

Since we’re already talking about vaginas, ovaries and uterusesss, it’s time for what I like to call:

An Unnecessary Update

To the 3 men who read MODG: Apologies up front. My bloggie bestie asked me what the F was the matter with me. Even people in Texas know I’m off. Answer? GD F-ing period devil is ALMOST here. Therefor, my body in all ways is about to burst. How you ask? Let me detail this for you.

If you point to a hole on my body, it’s about to explode volcano style. Gross right? Totes. I’m talking down to my pores. I can feel a build up of pimple pain under my whole face skin layer. My boobs feel like someone pumped them full of air-pain, my eyes have some sort of sty growing in it and to top off the bloat of the century, I’m in flats. If that recipe of misery doesn’t birth the frowns, I don’t know what would.
So instead of just bitching my hormones away, I thought I would share with you some of my remedies that I discovered on my own that actually have made things better. Note* I do not trust any doctors ever they have F’d up my life too many times*. This stuff has been the only stuff to help me. Literally I’ve been in the hospital 5 times for period related death feelings. I can handle this pms bullshit, but the actual cramping period wave of hell is where I draw the line. The following has helped that “situation”. *One important note: I have taken the pill. I have taken many different kids of the pill. I will never again take the pill. You think I’m evil and crazy now….you don’t even know.
  • First, calcium chews. I know what you’re thinking. This is BS. Just stay with me. If you take these consistently throughout the month your cramping will be less. Promise. Like 2 a day.
  • But you also have to take these like twice a day. Chaste Berry is an herbal supplement that if taken consistently will 1) regular out your whacko jacko period and 2) make it lighter and easier. Working so far for me. Stay with me….
Now that’s the preventative stuff. Here’s the you’reabouttodiefromcramps remedies.
  • Advil, obv. Avoid the lame women meds that are pink and have women on them. They don’t work. Advil often and early. Like before the cramps even start. You have to be like 30% psychic though. So work on that first.
  • These are homeopathic remedies. I did lots of my own research and they work for me. Nux Vomica and Chamomilla Take them when you are about to die. It will make you not die. If you’re curious about this route, I recommend reading this. It looks shady but its full of smart stuff.
  • Last but not least, deep breaths. Like you’re in labor. Seriously. When you’re in pain you unconsciously take short breathes which makes pain worse.
Now I know you’re thinking, MODG is a crackhead hippie witch doctor. My response is yes, yes I am. And I back all of this up with my medical science degree from myself. Same place I got my Reverend license.
PS my cramps are also from endometriosis…they are that bad. But if you have rough vagina probs like me, I hope I’ve helped.
witch doctor love,
PPS There’s always this
Also, in the spirit of hating stuff and pms, I want all of you moms to avoid this company. I’m all about revealing shady evil people and this company is definitely one of them. They take your money and run. I have this on good referral. Feel free to prank call them as well.

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POSTED IN: Drunk Stuff,I hate everyone,sarah,Vom stuff


jessalyn December 16, 2009 at 4:04 pm

i have been ready to kill people for like three days. i mean i really hate everyone (HATE), and almost cried last night because i did not like the smell of the candle my bf had lit in the house. i feel better knowing we are on the same page.

Sarah RDH December 16, 2009 at 5:06 pm

I had an ovarian cyst once, and it WAS worse than labor. I promise. I feel your pain.

Kristin December 16, 2009 at 5:08 pm

WHERE have you been all my life. I've suffered from crippling cramps all my life. I wish I had known about these tips. I will say that since giving birth they haven't been quite as bad. Pop out that baby lady!

BakerGirl December 16, 2009 at 5:18 pm

I'm right there with you… I have a bag of Dark Chocolate Raisinets and lots of Aleve (works best for me).

Sigh.. I hate this time of the month but if it doesn't come I freak out. Such a love hate relationship.

Cathy December 16, 2009 at 5:18 pm

I used to have devil periods.
I used to die from cramps.
I used to have terrible acne.
I used to bleed through a super plus.
I used to take nux vomica.

Then I went on birth control.
Praise Jebus.

Ams December 16, 2009 at 5:19 pm

I have no excuse for feeling like a complete raging bitch these past few days – they took my uterus from me 9 months ago.
That being said, I remember that pain – I hope it gets better. *Hugs*

hotpants™ December 16, 2009 at 5:24 pm

I have endometriosis. My periods have been bad since day 1. After years and years of prescription drugs, I found that Ibuprofen works best for me. It could have saved me a lot of money, pain and time if I had known this years ago.

Elizabeth Marie December 16, 2009 at 5:26 pm

WAIT WTF? I have been unable to write you back and detail your slutty outfit for you because I am dying of death aka as the period cramping wave of hell. I was about to google cramp remedies because I am going through so much advil it's obscene and it has no fun side effects like other pain killers so boo.

Thanks bitch. I love you. Endometriosis buddies.

♥ little wife ♥ December 16, 2009 at 5:29 pm

I know you hate doctors … but for non-pill baby prevention you should try an IUD. Changed my freakin' life. Ah-may-zing (said in a song song voice). Seriously try it.

Cee December 16, 2009 at 5:29 pm

I feel pretty lucky that I don't get bad cramps all that often…my issue is the boobs. They are already big and pre-period they seem out of control huge and painful. I think air-pain is a good way to describe it. However some months it's fine…very weird. Any tips for that Dr?

Brandy December 16, 2009 at 5:42 pm

thanks for the evil company info.

sorry about your period pains. if you got pregnant – you'd have 9 free months. js.

Karilynnlove December 16, 2009 at 5:48 pm

I'm a nurse…I concur :)
Good luck with your crampiness!

KatieSPerk December 16, 2009 at 5:49 pm

You poor thing. That sucks. Good to know about some other homeopathic remedies! Sometimes the work the best! WITCHDOCTOR!

NicholeCamarillo.com December 16, 2009 at 5:53 pm

“Take them when you are about to die. It will make you not die.” <–LMFAO!

Natalie December 16, 2009 at 5:58 pm

I have endured horrendous periods and endo my entire adult life. The only pain free months have been spent pregant & we all know how those end.

Calcium does help. There's also a link between daily cacium & weight loss. I don't question.. I just enjoy.

And in order for advil or aleve to properly work, start taking at least 3 days BEFORE your period. That way, you aren't playing catch up with the pain.

When all else fails, drink a large glass (or bottle) of wine, watch a chick flick & eat some chocolate.

Sara December 16, 2009 at 6:11 pm

Having lady parts is one of the toughest, messiest jobs in town.

And if men had the fallopian tubes, we'd have no more babies or war, because they'd all be crying at home, telling us how we don't even know what the pain is like.

Also, if men had the vaginas, that would make me gay. So, I guess it's best all around that they don't.

Julie December 16, 2009 at 6:18 pm

My cramps get so bad, I run a fever, I die, I lie in bed and cry, it's MIZ. I had to get prescription strength advil to make it hurt less. Trouble is, I even have miserable ovulation, yes, you heard right. I get reallllly bad cramps when I ovulate, and I can even usually tell what side I'm ovulating from..creepy. I use the whole herbal remedy thing, and then a heating pad works too. Also, I found that the healthier my diet is around that time, the easier it is, and also regular exercise works wonders!

Caroline December 16, 2009 at 6:41 pm

The pill saved my life. I used to get cramps so bad that I would throw up from the pain! Ughhh, shuddering just thinking about it. However, since you are anti-pill I would recommend Aleve. That stuff is ridic strong and works fast, I swear by it for cramps, headaches, hangovers that I might die from, etc. ;)

I am Trish Marie December 16, 2009 at 7:17 pm

Let me just tell you a little story. One day (four hundred days)I went to my doctor (nineteen times) telling her I had some horrible side splitting pain THAT WOULD NOT GO AWAY. Finally I refused to leave until they did an ultrasound. Seven cysts on one ovary. Nine on the other. Seven + Nine = Holy Effin Shit. They scheduled me for surgery the next day. All was good for about a minute. But turns out those things just keep coming back. Also turns out, I like pain medication. And alcohol. Mixed together.

John December 16, 2009 at 7:26 pm

Now that I am aware of the fact that I am one of only 3 guys who read your blog, I suddenly feel as if the uterine walls are closing in around me.

I know what's best for me so I will chose not to comment on the content of today's post other than to say that I admire your willingness to say whatever the hell you feel like saying. Nicely done ;)

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB December 16, 2009 at 7:30 pm

that sucks. as an older broad nearing my drying up phase, i have little to no cramps; however, i am borderline psychotic and eat my own weight times a million in calories for like 2 weeks straight causing all diets / good eating habits to go straight to hell and total inability to lose 40 lbs of baby weight still hanging on to my fat ass

Mara December 16, 2009 at 7:48 pm

I have Calcium Chews at home! I'll have to check it out since I'll need them next week :(

Two Normal Moms December 16, 2009 at 7:52 pm

OMG, we were separated at birth.
I definitely don't think you are a crackhead hippie witch doctor!
Pimple pain? Check. Boob/air pain? Check. Bloat? Check. Cramps from hell? Check. The-Pill-makes-me-so-psycho-I-scare-even-me? Check. And I do calcium, chaste berry and loads of advil. (Chaste berry actually regulated me better than any ob/gyn ever could figure out how to do)

So thanks for sharing your wisdom, I'm here to vouch that it REALLY DOES work. (I also do WAY better if I cut out sugar. Good luck with that this time of year, though)


CJ December 16, 2009 at 9:15 pm

LOL! Sorry I am laughing at your misery, but then we sail in the same boat! I used to get horrible cramps before, but since I am on pills they have reduced down to almost nothing.
I know, lucky me ..grin.

Thanks for stopping by

injaynesworld December 16, 2009 at 9:38 pm

I scoff as I sail on by on the “SS Post-Menopause.”

Don't hate me because I'm rich… (I'm not)
Don't hate me because I'm skinny…(I am)
Hate me because I never have to have a fucking period again for the rest of all eternity. Hoo-Yah!

ZDub December 16, 2009 at 10:06 pm

I also hate doctors. I want to go buy all the stuff you recommended but I don't suffer from period pain.

I just bleed freely due to my goddamn Mirena.

(Don't get one. It also gives you chin hairs.)

Feel better.

Jax December 16, 2009 at 10:09 pm

I skipped my period for three mos (on purpose) b/c I had some cervix procedure done (awesome as it sounds. You're jealous. I can tell). And then I had it again this month. RAGING PSYCHO=ME. My pooooor boyfriend. I finally broke down and said I had no control of my hormones and I wasn't used to the cramping, swelling, boob issues, etc.. So he needed to give me a pass. haha.. And he did. (I think he was scared of me but it is what it is).

Cassie December 16, 2009 at 10:15 pm

I was totally on the Advil merry-go-round until I had my kids. It did wonders for my about to die level period cramps. Now I medicate with potato chips.

Mrs P December 16, 2009 at 10:26 pm

Yikes… good luck with that period stuff… one happy thing about pregnancy is getting to avoid all that. Although the whole labor thing… yeah.

Also, thanks for telling us about the shady company, I'm about to write a blog about a rip off I just came across right now!

Cheryl December 16, 2009 at 10:58 pm

So glad to hear about a few more herbals to try. Now if we could just figure what to do about the ridiculous, feel like they weigh 6 tons, air-pain boobs that come some months. Have had those for 3 days now. Hate that. I too, get the killer death cramps some months, and can do nothing but stay in my bed and sob for two hours hours waiting for Alleve to kick in. Sometimes, I drink raspberry leaf tea for it, when they are at their very worst, and it works WONDERS! I buy mine from a brand called Traditional Medicinals, cuz that is usually available at Whole Foods, but I think a good herbalist could hook you up too. Amazing stuff. I think it's supposed to “tone the female reproductive system” or some such thing it says the box. But it definitely works. Good Luck.

Levon December 16, 2009 at 10:58 pm

I was gonna say…my remedie is definately chocolate…shit takes the cramps right away…oh and a big fat Ibuprofen at the first sign of my period through and until the last drop!! Ewww…

Life Laugh Latte December 16, 2009 at 11:07 pm

Have a baby! They'll go away forever! Holly

gayle December 16, 2009 at 11:11 pm

Thank you for this info. I will pass it on to my daughter who has had “bad” cramps since she was a teen.

MiMi December 16, 2009 at 11:25 pm

Those little pink pills that are for girls only, SUCK. What the hell is in them? Sugar and spice or some crap?
I clicked to see what that company was that you hate…is it me or does the little girl/boy/whatever in the upper left look like Suri?? Coincidence??

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 December 16, 2009 at 11:32 pm

Ugh. all you had to say was endometriosis. My BFF has this so I can understand your pain. Poor MODGY

sarah December 17, 2009 at 12:25 am

1. I hate technology. I've been trying to leave a comment all effing day.

2. Thanks for acknowledging the fact that you have been an asshole lately. The internets appreciates this.

3. I had never had cramps until I started reading your blog. Are these things related?

4. As an ordained minister, I am pretty sure I can perform exorcism. Let me know if I can be of service.

Queen of Feisty December 17, 2009 at 12:26 am

After babies (we are done now) he isn't up for the surgery, so I am on Mirena (sp?) you have to have had a kid to get it. But I love it. 5 months of on and off again spotting, and a month of mild back pain. But 15 months later, I haven't had a period in 10 months. A maz ing shit I tell you.

I like the home remidies, doctors are nutso's. Except in the case of my lovely Mirena.

Queen of Feisty

Swapna Raghu Sanand December 17, 2009 at 12:57 am

It is so difficult to find a doctor whom you can trust and talk your medical problems with, these days.

KK December 17, 2009 at 1:03 am

I'm never without Midol. It does it for me and frankly I take it when i don't have PMS, just pain a head ache, bloated. gripey, anything!

Chelle December 17, 2009 at 1:48 am

I hate PMS. It's beyond horrible.

And I wonder why Leo is always so happy when I'm all pregnant and happy.

oh. And birth control pills are evil–I will never take those bitches again!

Kate December 17, 2009 at 6:50 am

PMS is awful. I end up eating loads before then i feel bloated and enraged for three days

Kate xx

Secretia December 17, 2009 at 9:12 am

No relief until menopause I'm afraid.

upset waitress December 17, 2009 at 9:15 am

I was happy to have had my uterus cut out.

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts December 17, 2009 at 9:45 am

Ok, I am loving your advice! You got some good stuff here.

miss bee December 17, 2009 at 9:57 am

chamomilla pills vs chamomile tea?

i'm a chamomile tea addict. pretty much daily.

Angie Muresan December 17, 2009 at 10:23 am

I'm so sorry for you. But whatever you do don't give in to the urge to stuff your face with all that crap! Unless it's chocolate, of course.

K December 17, 2009 at 10:32 am

Valid reasons to bitch but you've got it easy! I have PCOS, endo and free fluid in my cavity which needs to be surgically removed! All things I found out because I had no period and got really excited that I might be pregant!

Those baby period cramps are nothing – just finished a week of Povera and I'm waiting for the amazon river flow to begin… anyone have an extra bucket?

Blair December 17, 2009 at 10:33 am

My husband runs for the hills when my PMS starts. I am awful. Like possessed awful. I can't control it. And I am so bad, I indulge myself in cupcakes and french fries…it really does make me feel better!

Amie December 17, 2009 at 11:01 am

I just like the title.

Ed Adams December 17, 2009 at 11:01 am

I'll remember to pass these along on my next fishing trip.

By fishing trip, I mean where Aunt Flo shows up at our house and I go fishing for a week.

I wish.

Casey December 17, 2009 at 2:39 pm

Here's my solution:
Percocet, wine and chocolate cupcakes. I get so loopy i could give a shit if i was bleeding through my pants. but i guess this only works if you can stay home the whole week…or if you work at a carnival

Jaime December 17, 2009 at 2:56 pm

My PMS is brutal too….wicked mood swings- aka raging bitch- and I eat like a bottom less pit! lol. I am going to try your methods (viactiv and other pill)

Working Mommy December 17, 2009 at 3:31 pm

Since high school I would get the worst cramps…like the ohmygodithinkiamgoingtodiedontevenfuckingthinkofcomingnearmecurleduponthefloorinthefetalposition. Yeah – they SUCKED! Then once I got preggo, I didn't have to deal with Mother Nature for a whole TEN MONTHS (reason #1 why I'm having another spawn)…then, after the babe came, I noticed that my time of the month went from 8 days of drop-dead-pain to a mere 3 days (reason #2 for another spawn)…not only did the days become fewer, but the pain went from unbearable to damn near nothing (reason #3). So, in conclusion…I highly suggest that you have a spawn of your own – if for no other reason than reduced monthly matters!


Aunt Juicebox December 17, 2009 at 3:56 pm

I take Aleve, it helps when Advil doesn't, and primrose oil for cramps. I find that ever since I gave up caffeine, I no longer have hideous breast pain either. I think I may try the chasteberry.

Mrs. Bear December 17, 2009 at 5:51 pm

I havent been able to wear my wedding rings for 2 days because I am going to get my period next week. And my boobs are one cup size larger than normal. This has NEVER happened to me. I want to die.

michelle December 18, 2009 at 3:57 pm

Ever try NuvaRing? I stack that bitch up every 3 weeks to prevent periodland at all. LOVE IT. (I really want the Mirena, but my doctor frowned on it since I haven't birthed out a mini trap yet. Sads.)

Anyway, hope you are feeling better. And sorry I have been a blog-slacker lately. It's not easy being super cool.

Corrie Howe December 20, 2009 at 9:06 pm

I hate to tell you this, but the only thing that worked for me was having babies. But now that I'm on the back end of this cycle, I'm starting to have all the same trouble again and then some.

Alena February 15, 2010 at 3:16 am

I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.



Em (Crunchy Mama) August 24, 2011 at 4:16 am

I have terrible endo and interstitial cystitis. It gives me a heavy case of the sads that you have endo too. (BTW, I’ve started at the beginning of your blog and am making my way through it as I nurse my daughter to sleep every night. Serious giggle fits = startled/no-longer-sleeping baby. But you’re worth it.)

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