And the Cleanse was no longer clean.

This is a story that is ultimately about poop. I feel that as friends, it’s my job to tell you that up front.

This is a timely story as I feel incredibly fat right about now. PD is arriving within precious moments and as I cringe, waiting for his arrival, all I can think about is my bloated, fat, self. Without fail, each month, I convince myself that my fatness is not period bloat, but I am sure that I have in fact grown into a very fat human being. I am so convinced, that I force B to eat chicken and broccoli at each meal with me and set up a tent and sleeping bag at the gym, because I am NOT leaving that place until my pants fit appropriately.

So here we are again, facing the period fats and I’m reminded of an extreme moment in desperation to rid myself of the fats. Beyonce told me to, so L and I saddled up for…
A Cleanse.

Not just any cleanse. The Master Cleanse. For those of you unfamiliar, The Master Cleanse (it must be capitalized out of respect for the Master), is a looong period of time (14 days I think) where you replace ALL of your meals with a mixture of water, lemon juice, cayenne pepper and maple syrup. The maple syrup is to prevent your body from going into starvation mode. That tid bit should have been my first warning telling me this is probably just for crackheads and toiletpukers. Here’s the REAL kicker. The cleanse is supposed to be about removing all the toxins from your body, so every morning you have to drink a lot of salt water and every night you drink laxative tea (smooth moves is not so smooth). Sick on so many levels, which I will detail for you momentarily.


My wedding was approaching and L is just a regular skinny maniac so we decide to do this cleanse together. We’re like, “F, if Beyonce can do it we can totally do it”. (Looking back this did not make sense as Beyonce probably rehearsed “My Perogative” like 789 times for her dad in 1989…discipline we did not have).

I wonder how many of you that Beyonce was in a Daddy dictacted group called “Girls Tyme” I knew this. Not proud.

L and I drive to Trader Joe’s and buy like 45 lemons each and the cashier is like “Oh Master Cleanse, huh?” We were like, woah this must be the shit of all shits. Everyone knows about it! We were so excited to be sooo skinny. We told ourselves that we really wanted the “toxins” out of our body but by toxins we fully meant fat cheese ass and just didn’t really verbalize that part.

Let me pause by saying that B is rolling his eyes at this so much that his brain hurts from the rapid eye movement. But he has learned to just let us do our F’d up things until we learn for ourselves.

Day 1: Make our first “lemonade”. They call it lemonade on this cleanse but I really call it piss ass. It’s pretty awful and spicy. But overall totally fine. After the 3rd lemonade, it really sets in that we are not eating, like ever. Night comes and it’s laxative tea time. Tastes like black licorice which to me, is worse than piss ass.

Day 2: Wake up, and laxative tea did its job and I pee out of my butt (I warned you). Now this part was my least favorite of all of the fun parts of this exploration: The salt water mixture. I mix up salt and water and drink and UnGODLY amount. I now have a tight hand over my mouth forcing the swallows. The warning during the cleanse is in bold, red letters and they say:

IF YOU THINK YOU HAVE TO FART, YOU DON’T. GO TO THE BATHROOM.

Warning noted and more regular pee out of the butt. Like within minutes. My body has turned into a Brita water filter. I make my lemonade mixtures and cart my materials off to work. Where they also think I am a complete crackhead. I don’t know why. I should mention that squeezing 12 lemons a day really really hurts your hands. If you think you don’t have a million little cuts on your hand, you would be wrong. And rubbing lemon juice in them 4 times a day will prove it. By the time I drink my laxative tea I am F-ING hungry.

Girl: “yeah it hurts, bad, but the skinnies are worth it”
Day 3: Butt pee. Salt Water. I decide that I’m so good at this cleanse stuff I decide to do the extra credit and take a “shot” of cayenne pepper mixed with water. All I can say is OHMYGOD the pain and brutality of it all. I then try to forget that decision and go take a shower in the morning. Sit down in my towel at my computer to check my email. I Forget rule number 1. Prepare yourselves for this portion. Send your children out of the room. Stop eating any foods right now.
I think I have to fart.
I fart.
It’s not a fart.
(I’m in a towel)
When something like this happens to you, you sort of step out of your body and look at yourself, and wonder how you’ve reached a point in your life like this, where you are sitting and now standing in your own bodily fluids. You really wonder where your life went wrong.


So I really start laughing, hard. Now I should tell you, this isn’t what you think standing in your own poop would be like. Since it was day 3 of the cleanse, it was really just water. Water that came out of your butt. But still water.
I call L immediately.

“L, you will never believe what just happened”

“omg what?”

“I just pooped on the floor”

“WHAT”

“the fart, it wasn’t a fart! Don’t tell B, don’t tell anyone!”

“OK I won’t. What are you going to do?”

“Destroy the evidence”

**Note that within 22 hours, I told B, all of my friends and my whole office and now all of you.

So at this point, things are taking a turn for the worse. I have lost control of my bodily functions and am considering old people diapers. But I just think of Beyonce and I pull through (**I don’t even really like Beyonce).


Day 4: Drink the salt water. Can’t keep it down. Vomit it up.

“THAT’S IT”
I give up. I go immediately to get some fresh OJ (the Master instructions for ER recovery) and chug that shit. It was the best tasting liquid of my entire life. I am not kidding

I tell L and she decides to keep going. Although later she begins to hallucinate hamburgers during a wedding meeting we had to attend and she went about 2 days further and quit that bitch after she almost cut her sister for mentioning cupcakes.

Moral of this story, is that every good story has a poop element, every girl in America wants to be skinny, it’s critical to remember rules, and don’t trust Beyonce, she’s on crack.

PS I found out a month later that my salt to water ratio was actually 1:6 and I was doing 1:3. Vomit explained. Added Moral: always read instructions very carefully.

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POSTED IN: B,Drunk Stuff,Eating Innapropriately,Favorite Post,Innapropriate,Stories,Vom stuff

{ 35 comments }

*jean* August 28, 2009 at 9:42 am

hopped over from SITs…too funny…

made me shoot coffee out my nose…

sarah August 28, 2009 at 9:50 am

I will not type much on this because I am completely uncomfortable with poop talk. I mean it completely makes me giggle, but I don't like it. Your story made me spit Diet Dr. Pepper on my work screen. Awkward.

Before my girlfriend's wedding, I decided to try a cleanse. It was formal and she mandated that none of us could wear black dresses and it was summer and all I could find was a champagne gown and I had been drinking a lot that summer. I was too cheap/lazy to actually buy a book on cleanse, so I made one up…it lasted less than a week and involved organic juices and I believed that I was about to die and I was willing the shank anyone who talked in front of me about solid foods.

I wasn't any thinner for the wedding.

Michelle August 28, 2009 at 9:54 am

Visiting from HIT's blog.

Re-creating Clueless for Halloween! That is awesome! I hope you post some pictures.

Sherry @ Young House Love August 28, 2009 at 10:32 am

Hahahah, you poor thing! Good on ya for telling the world at large. Someone has to warn people about these things!

xo,
s

MommyBrain August 28, 2009 at 10:42 am

Oh, yuck! My husband did some herbal tea regimen that made him poop all the time … and I'd have to hear the recounts of his hourly dumps … now that's love!

Stopping by from SITS :)

Have a great day!

Scandalous Housewife August 28, 2009 at 10:54 am

Master Cougar's response: Oh shit no! What happens when you take your 5:00, medicinal wine fix?

Kate August 28, 2009 at 11:01 am

I drank Ballerina tea like fucking crazy before my wedding. And then I got a hemorrhoid. Of this I am not proud.

Kristin August 28, 2009 at 11:34 am

Way to lure my over here with the promise of poop. You didn't disappoint. EWWWWWWWWWWW

Casey August 28, 2009 at 11:40 am

my coworkers are staring at me wondering what the hell i'm laughing at…
i did a tea cleanse…not as intense as this, just gave me a regular poop. timing when you drink the tea is crucial, before bed is best; before going out w/ friends, not so good.

Martinis or Diaper Genies? August 28, 2009 at 11:59 am

i LOVE so much that almost everyone has a good poop story. it's important for womankind to share these.

Maggie August 28, 2009 at 12:17 pm

Holy mother of god, I am not cut out for the master cleanse.

Llama August 28, 2009 at 12:18 pm

Just found your blog…you are great! I couldn't stop laughing! So…Im guessing you wouldn't recommend this>?!?! Hope you are feeling better! Look forward to reading more !:)

Eva Gallant August 28, 2009 at 12:38 pm

This blog was a major chuckle maker!

just stopping by from SITS to say hi; hope you;ll do the same.

The Blonde Duck August 28, 2009 at 1:32 pm

Popped in from SITS! This was the funniest thing I've read all day. I was laughing so hard I was crying.

sarah August 28, 2009 at 2:08 pm

What is SITS and what the hell am I missing? Jesus, I hate being behind the curve!

K August 28, 2009 at 2:41 pm

This story literaly made me have to poo. As you know this office's plumbing is NOT good. 10 minutes later and 4 flushes I can confidently state you will find no reminders of me. F- this place!

a H.I.T. August 28, 2009 at 2:50 pm

You are all so damn funny today. I can't stop peeing my pants.

Stephanie Faris August 28, 2009 at 2:51 pm

My boyfriend once got a colonic. He lost 3 pounds with each treatment. They suck all the excess poop and junk out of you. Apparently our body accumulates it over the years. They also pulled a worm out of him…she said everyone has a worm or two inside us? Ewwwwwwwwwww.

Martinis or Diaper Genies? August 28, 2009 at 2:54 pm

HIT I've missed you!

Stephanie that is the most INSANE AND DISGUSTING THING I HAVE EVER HEARD.
I REFUSE TO BELIEVE I HAVE A WORM IN ME. REFUSE.AAAAAAAAH

Martinis or Diaper Genies? August 28, 2009 at 2:57 pm

Also, this is from J for you Stephanie:

“I have been wanting a colonic forever. I think I am going to go for it. They usually do like 8 sessions. I have at least 15lbs up there. If a worm comes out I will die. DIE.”

sarah August 28, 2009 at 3:17 pm

Martinis, I am completely with J…

I have heard of people doing this and losing lots of weight. I am considering doing it before my wedding. However, if a worm comes out the whole process will be moot because I will literally have a heart attack and die!

Elizabeth Marie August 28, 2009 at 8:44 pm

Um. I did this. EXACT SAME EXPERIENCE. The salt water is crazy. And the hamburger hallucinations? THEY ARE SO REAL. I started dreaming of pasta and taco bell. It was murderous.

Just Add Walter August 28, 2009 at 8:55 pm

hehe…. I bought the book but haven't gone any further than that… now I don't know if I will.. that is horrible!!

G+D August 30, 2009 at 8:58 am

OMG, Amanda–that was absolutely hilarious!! Oh you poor girl. And damn that Beyonce. I love that you have no shame and put this out there for the world to read, lmao!

Cupcakes with Nic August 30, 2009 at 7:50 pm

I laughed so hard that I had tears streaming down my cheeks and could hardly breathe. Even now, I am still giggling. Sorry to laugh at your expense, but oh my — what an experience!!!! Thank you for the story — I needed that!

Just found your blog and LOVE it — can't wait to read more!

:)

Mrs. Sitcom September 24, 2009 at 1:46 am

OH. MY. GOD.

Laughing SO hard right now. This is awesome.

I've been debating doing this…now I have more to think about.

Umm, also, a WORM? I would die, also. :)

jules September 25, 2009 at 8:30 am

I'm so glad this happened to you while you were at home! I would have told everyone with in a matter of minutes too! Before planning out how I was going to write about it! Ha ha.

Nely October 1, 2009 at 2:34 pm

Hi – new follower. Almost pooped my pants reading this. :D

♥Nely

Mrs Sweet Pea October 5, 2009 at 5:30 pm

Oh my goodness…couldn't stop laughing! But this is totally true! My hubby and I did this for a week…well I lasted 5 days and he did 10. We didn't do the saltwater flush simply because I didn't want to vomit it up and it seemed a little too intense. But as far as the rest of the cleanse…you're on the money with your description! Pee out your butt…ahaha!!! Oh and I'm not laughing at you, I can completely sympatize. Did you at least feel better afterward?

As far as the worms…I've heard about that before, but NO THANKS!! I'd have a heart attack.

Julie December 28, 2009 at 4:10 pm

found your blog when googling “housewarming party decor” and I'm SO glad I did.

I had to comment because this exact same thing happened to me. Mind you, I was wearing jeans so you can only imagine where the butt pee went, but thank the LAWD I was at home. I lasted three days. Now I just detox with Gwyneth's plan and the occasional blue print cleanse. So much easier.

(www.thedailyjulie.com)

That one girl January 3, 2010 at 2:31 pm

Okay, so I'm refusing to clean my place and jumped on your blog to find some other good blogs and went on your FAQ and found this one. I have to say, this reminded me of two incredibly embarrassing stories. Maybe I'll share on my blog soon thanks to you.

All I have to say it, hello, OF COURSE you poo'd on the floor after that cleanse. At least you have an excuse…

Mrs. Muffins April 13, 2010 at 8:19 pm

Sooo… I've done the Master Cleanse a good… um, SEVERAL times. And I don't talk about it to anyone. Because. Well, I think you understand.
:o
xx

marie December 20, 2010 at 11:56 am

OH man. I just peed my pants reading this. But at least it didn’t come out of my butt.

Sarah Kate March 15, 2011 at 3:42 pm

OMFG- Just got sent your blog from a friend and after reading a few new ones decided I needed to start from the beginning. Goodbye productivity at work! :) I thought I was going to stroke out trying not to laugh so hard that my boss would hear me and wonder why my paperwork was so funny.
I’ve done a cleanse sort of like that, and was warned ahead of time about the farts. Glad I heeded the warning!
Can’t wait to read more!

Andréa @ Adventures in Readerland July 11, 2012 at 8:24 pm

Okay I am so glad you linked this in today’s post because I was having a really shitty day but now it’s better because this post is SO FUNNY. I even read it back in ’09 and it’s still just as hilarious today.

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